Suicide Sucks

A lot of crap.

I don't understand suicide. It's just not a good answer. It leaves people angry and confused and guilt-ridden. It's not like there's anything more we (the left behind) could have done, but that doesn't stop us from asking. It's not like he couldn't ask for help, and any one of us would have jumped at the opportunity help - even if it was only to listen. It's not like there's any way we can get answers, even if he was still here to ask. No, we're left with our questions, our sadness, and a much poorer world without Kevin Gfell.

Most people leave impressions upon me, be them good or bad. Many people disappoint me at some point, but I am not a hard preson to impress. Doing the right thing, driving yourself to achieve and succeed, being a good person, doing things on their own, expecting more and better from those around you - those are impressive things to me. He was all of those. Just selfish enough to get done what he wanted to do, but unselfish enough (apparently too much so) to not burden anyone else with his issues or problems. I very much wish I had been, and had thought many times that I should be closer to Gfell. He was doing the things that I want to do - being the successful lawyer, being athletic and still enjoying friends and life. Being actively involved in the alumni for the house, expecting and driving others to acheive better and do more, while succeeding and driving within himself for the same, we're left to wonder now what was missing and what we missed.

It does no good for us to wonder what we could have done, what we missed and how we could have helped. We don't get the opportunity to change anything to make the difference. We are left with a hole that was Kevin and Kevin's laugh and Kevin's sarcasm and Kevin's personality. Kevin took that away from us. But, like it does us no good to wonder, it also does us no good to blame and be angry. I've been told that's where I'll wind up, but I don't think I want that. It's nice to be able to blame Kevin but at the end of the day the rest of us are losers in this game, too.

We've all had the fleeting thought during a really bad day or bad time in our lives; the thought that the world would be better off without us or that it would make so many lives easier if we were just gone. It doesn't. It won't. It never, ever will. It's the easy way out. It takes more guts to ask for help and to talk about your issues.

I can't lie, I thought about it, I spent some time considering. I had a good portion of my life and identity ripped away from me involuntarily with Rohypnol and the Dollar Inn. I was abandoned by the people I was counting on the most both before the assault and after. It's pointless to blame now, because I got through it, but I did learn the depths of my own strength and that asking for help is ok. If given the opportunity now, I wouldn't change the course of events or the outcome. I'm a better person for it but I learned a lot about the low parts of life. I don't understand how something can be so overwhelming, but I wasn't there, my situation wasn't his and I'm not him. I still wish we could have done more for him and I wish we had been given the opportunity.

I'm especially angry that the lecherous scum of society that gets to live with no apparent worries or problems - while the good people of the world are shouldered with such burdens that they see suicide as an answer. Our society must be that twisted that it really is harder to do the right thing, to be a community, to be leaders and to be successful and dependable, than it is to be a total waste. That, I believe, is what's really making me angry. Dan arrests some woman who gets so drunk she pisses herself and is incoherent - fully intending to drive her car as soon as she wakes up from being passed out in the bar parking lot - and she has to go to the hospital to make sure she's ok enough even friggin go to jail where she sleeps warm and alive....and this one guy who is a lawyer, an athlete, a good son and a good friend feels like a failure and feels too much pressure and ends his own life in his own house, cold and alone. Where, I ask, is the fairness in that?

Maybe I will wind up angry at Gfell, maybe I'll just be sad. I'd like to get to the point where I'm glad to have known him and to have had the memories I do because of him and simply look past this part. I'm not there today. Today I'm confused and hurt and a bit angry - at him and the world. And they got my drink wrong at Starbucks, again. I could make jokes about that, but I'll just choose to put a little bit of my frustration there.....for now.

If you're having trouble, ask for help, no one will think less of you for it. Problems are problems, we all have them, we've all been in some pain at some part in our lives. We are no better for having gotten through it and we owe it to the rest of the world to help when someone else is there. That's what being good brothers and sisters is about. Loving enough to care, loving enough to ask for help, loving enough to help when asked.