I'm still so lost. I'm so sick of whining about it though that I think I've just annoyed everyone to the point that even I'm sick of hearing myself. I'm fairly reclusive, bordering out to where I think I talk to myself too much (& yes, answer...don't judge). I'm sick of bitching my way through the days & through the relationships. But I've got the wheels in motion. I spend most every night glued to this computer checking endlessly for jobs in/around Nashville that I think I could be decent at. I'm no longer as positively certain that I'm headed to where I should be, but by God I know I'm not staying where I'm at. The good news about life is that nothing has to be permanent unless you want it to be. It's never too late to say, "no, not for me." All I really know is that I'm not happy where I'm at. I think I maybe could have been had things turned out differently & he not come back - had I put effort into branching out here & meeting people & networking & discovering. But I didn't...and I'm miserable...and I want to be close to my family & my love.
And I'm so unbelievably in love with him still. Thinking about the future makes me so nervous I can't sit still. I want so bad to have the adorable family & the cute house, can so easily picture coming home from work, cooking or heading out for a bike ride or a run, maybe heading out for a boat ride or just watching tv. I can imagine picking kids up from school or practice, heading to games (what kind I'm not sure yet...but something, that's for sure) & having family dinners. Arguing over homework or chores...dogs causing chaos & always with something else to clean. When his arms are around me I can relax more than I have in months, I feel so safe & so loved. When he looks at me & I know what he's thinking....and I know it's not appropriate..it's even better. I'm the only one in the world & it's all about me. I've never felt so wonderful & so comfortable, I've never been loved so completely. So I'm so desperate to get on with it already...to get things packed, to get the dogs settled, to get the house clean & listed, to get a new job....to sleep at night next to the man I love & actaully plan a future. I can't even describe how much I want that....I'm torturing myself over it - it's all I can think about & I'm trying desperately to keep things rolling aronud here while I still have to but I'm struggling...I tend to pick fights to get attention & cause a reaction..to know he's engaged in the relationship. Yeah, not fair...I know. I can usually recognize it at the time but I can't stop it. I feel awful immediately & typically rush to apologize but I've done so much damage. I can't imagine if he leaves me, I can't imagine who I would be if I have to recreate my life again, to try to rebuild my heart. I can't imagine how I can get through this time where everything in hanging in limbo, but I have no choice. I have to beleive in the things I described above, to lean towards those & work towards those.
I have to believe that I will be healthy again & that we will be able to sell this house & I will find a job soon & that the cleaning of this place won't be quite as massive as my nightmares think it will be...In reality it shouldn't be bad. Hell, there's still stuff in boxes so it's not like there's too much to do. Cleaning the floors, painting a windowsill & a bathroom ceiling, vacuuming & scrubbing the kitchen, scrubbing the bathroom (again)...trimming a bush or two, schlepping out the personal stuff, arranging someone to check on it & maybe dart a mower over it once in awhile, make sure nothing goes awry. I just want someplace to go.
This move has felt like a mistake from shortly after the moment I said I'd do it. I'm not sure how many omens I could've paid attention to, or if I could've paid attention to any. I just know it's not "home" and I"m looking forward to the next chapter....I pray nightly that God keeps us strong & keeps things progressing so that we get through this. We're so very, very close.
Picture of the Day
Vacation Fun
