No fun

UTI = no fun. Stubborn mule + athletic tendencies to "ignore the pain" = no fun.

Combined....mucho no fun. My first infection of this sort, stopped by a minuteclinic to get the antibiotics ball rolling. It became quite clear that my body wasn't really interested in fighting this itself in a very short period of time. The nurse chick said after the test that it's a fairly significant infection...that probably due to the athleticism & stubbornness I waited longer than most would've. One of my lymph nodes is about 3x the size it should be, discovered last night mid-shower, and is EXTREMELY tender to the touch. My body is trying valiantly to fight but it's just leaving me wiped out - all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep more. I skipped swimming last night, though am hopeful to do an easy run and some core work tonight...we'll see what the day holds. I'm now going to go call ANOTHER doctor just to make sure the lymph node thing is normal. It makes sense to me given how the body fights infection, but wowza.....

So we'll see.

I am a slacker. Rinse. Repeat.

I haven't necessarily been slacking on the workouts, but on the reporting of the workouts. There's just not been much momentous going on. Well, there really, really has been, but it's not necessarily been so with the workouts. I'm happy to say that, it means that things are progressing smoothly. I'm adding mileage slowly on my legs, the weights are helping bring the strength and balance up as well as the mileage and I'm not too terribly wiped out from all of it. I'm only struggling a bit with the balance of working out as much as I'd like to (if the weather would cooperate and the 'damnsnow' would go away this would be a bit easier) and still getting "normal" things accomplished in my life. That's a constant balance and I don't know that it'll go away (or be achieved) any time soon. Luckily, most of my friends are either just as athletic (so we get the QT over sweat-filled sessions of ______-insert sport here) or they're into the other things I am, namely beer and music or sports. So if I'm not participating in something, I'm hanging out with people drinking a couple beers, eating good food and/or watching something else. In all reality: it's a damn good life. (& the picture's just cute. Dogs from one of the OW swims last year @ Clearwater)

Other momentous developments - the C moved in, BIG changes there. Adjustments galore. Having another roommate, this one in a bit closer quarters, is a big adjustment regardless of where things go and who is going where. Repeat the above paragraph and it'll emphasize why I'm so lucky and happy that things are the way they are...this arrangement fits into the "all of the above" category. There's some irritation with the adjustment, but it's because I'm a quiet person (by and large) used to doing things my own way. Time, my friend...time.

There's some pain in these adjustments - not unexpected, but tough to deal with nonetheless - from wondering "what if". I'm not good at letting go and getting over things - anyone who's ever been on the wrong side of an argument with me knows this - but there's a careful balance of recognizing where I've been and what I've been through, acknowledging the person that was there with me then, who they are/were, acknowledging who I was then/now and where I am now. I hate having unanswered questions and I hate knowing what 'could've been'. Granted, I believe that 'what is' is better & the decisions feel right, but it still doesn't make it much easier. So, I admit there's still some pain, but it's less than the happiness. I'm owning my emotions, dealing with them so that I can let them go. The therapist would be proud of me...ha!

So life is darn good. I'm trying to stick with the routine of running 3x/wk - one of which being a long run currently built up to between 9-11. This is fairly on-target for the Pig, and only slightly shorter than desired for the NO 1/2 coming up next weekend. C & I running together, could be entertaining, could be a helluva good time. Hanging out in NO for the weekend with the boys & Mom (hopefully) & a couple of her friends, could be an entertaining mix, but the road trip and adventure should be fun. Swimming 2x/wk right now @ HP - the practices are hit/miss, but the ability is still there, it's nailing down some of the form changes (possibly due to body composition changes?) that's my challenge right now. I'd like to get back on my bike but the snow on the ground is really a turn-off there. Still going to stick with the weights once a week and a core session once or twice a week. I'd like to pick up the core work a little bit, possibly change up the leg routine slightly and add in a bit more arm/back work as well....we'll see. Re-read paragraph 1...that balance thing is the toughest of them all.

Happy days...

Tales of a Survivor - February 2010

I read a quote awhile ago as I was taking a "brain break". It brought a light bulb moment out as I realized that I had/have found what other people look for. I have found what people who go through assault & rape worry they'll never find again.

I had that moment where my humanity, dignity, self-confidence, intelligence, strength, femininity, respect and love was all stripped from me & I've spent (subconsciously or not) almost every moment since trying to forget, trying to get past, trying to reconstruct myself and my identity. By and large I've succeeded.

I feel like I accomplished this task easier and quicker than most, but there are weak moments where the whispers and the ghosts sneak out of the closet. The fear and the doubts creep in and I feel "less than".

Part of my “recovery” was my amazing network of strong people around me, my friends who throw up their arms around me in protection and support. The other part was talking about it almost immediately & spreading the word to hopefully protect & help someone else. I hope there have been others that know my story and think twice about a situation or are a bit more aware of their surroundings.

It's an amazingly shame-inducing event when something so out-of-character is done "willingly" and you have no control over any of it. It astounds me that I was there and did nothing about it out of fear, but I conversely know that I did the smartest thing I could have done by doing nothing.

Nonetheless, I've said since the beginning that you either begin to heal immediately and of your own will, or you allow it to consume and eat away at you. I realized that having control of my body (and mind) for awhile might have been involuntary, but having control of my life and my mind is another thing entirely. I made the choice to heal and move onward.

I still have scars and will deal with what happened for years to come. Realizing this is part of healing too. I continue to believe the rape was the “easy” part - it was only my body. What hurt more was taking on the charge of healing by myself. Rape affects both people in a relationship. In our case the emotion of the relationship clouded the professional training; the perceived crack in that armor did more damage than the rape itself. When the protector can no longer protect (be this realistic or not), the self-perception is of weakness and doubt, causing irreparable damage to a relationship. Despite the love & emotion, the walls & wounds created by that ill-perceived weakness are still gaping & deep.

My “aha!” moment today has, in my opinion, turned one of the final corners in the journey back to myself. The desire to be loved is one of the simplest human instincts. The doubt and fear that rape, assault & abandonment create isn’t easily overcome. For so long I believed we could heal together, but I now realize it’s a personal journey. I am stronger for having healed on my own and looking for my own path. I have rediscovered happiness by simply walking through my pain, accepting it & moving past it. It’s taken over 3 years to finally admit that I am worthy of being loved & I am equally capable of loving completely.

I have found the love that makes me forget but still makes it ok to remember.