One for the Resolution folks....Prone Pike Press (2nd edition)

Yeah, say it a few times and try to say it fast. Good luck with that. Here's another: try to do them without either breaking your wrist, doing a somersault, laughing OR cussing incontrollably. Here's what ya do.....grab a big Swiss Ball, glare at it for a minute so it knows you're good and serious. Throw in a couple of threats for good measure. Bonus round: have a heart-to-heart with your abdominal muscles before this - come to an agreement that what you're about to do will, in fact, be a good thing in the long run. It's going to hurt like hell, you're going to feel quite awkward, but it will be good. So tell them to shut the hell up, don't be girls, and get on board.

Now...there are two ways to get into the proper starting position for this exercise. NC might recommend standing behind the ball with your shins touching it, then leaning forward until your hands are on the ground and walking them out into a "plank" or "pushup position" with the middle of your shins on the top of the ball. I prefer the "beached whale" approach: stand behind the ball, dive onto the sunuvabitch and bounce forward and walk your hands out until in the aforementioned "plank". (That's Step 1) Be forewarned that you'll have to start much further back that you realize, your body is longer than you realize, and if you're not careful you'll put your forehead into the mirrored gym-wall.

From here, the fun begins. With hands shoulder-width or a smidge wider apart on ground, tighten your core and pull your butt straight up into the air until your toes are on the ball. STOP YOURSELF BEFORE YOU GO OVER IN A SOMERSAULT (challenge #1)!! Lower your butt back into a plan position. STOP YOURSELF BEFORE YOU BECOME A SWAY-BACKED COW (challenge #2)!! Breathe, rinse, repeat. Do 3 sets of 10. Remember to breathe throughout. Might I recommend exhaling while lifting one's butt.

General notes: this is a true ass-kicking exercise and will gain you respect from some of the Gym Barbies around if you can do it with some style. Yes, everyone will be staring at your ass. Get over it. If it's good enough to get up there, you deserve a little ogling. I haven't figured out the smoothest way to get up (read: dismount) without a reverse beached whale effect. This is part of what makes this so fun to me. You will feel like Jell-O. I haven't quite figured out the best place for my hands, but slightly "duck-footed" seems to offer me the best opportunity to save my ass JUST before I topple forward into that somersault. (I seem to have mastered Challenge #2 much easier than Challenge #1 as this is the hardest part of it for me....)

So have fun, boys and girls, and let's compare rock-hard abs when you master this. Or....let's compare stories of general hilarity once you, too, have busted your knees, ripped your abs and mastered the somersault like I.

In which we realize we don't like hamsters....

NC and I went to a spin class at the gym tonight. First one we've been to at this gym...a year of membership. I'm biased, I was friends with and appreciated the instructors at the old gym. They understood I wasn't necessarily there to do their thing (standing sprints? Pssht. "Jumps" Yeah, right. "Hovering" When do I hover in a tri?) and were fairly content to leave me alone to do my thing in the back of the room. Sure, I'll climb a bit and I may throw in a sprint or two. But I'm going to set up the bike as close to my own position as I can, and I'm going to chill in the "aero" (as close as one can get when A)not really on a bike, B) not really in any wind and C) without any little arm pads) for awhile. It's what I do when I'm really on my bike and that's why I'm here - because I can't get my butt outside on my real bike. I'm not here so people can see me and think I'm hot, I'm not there because I want my butt to look super-tight or my abs to rip. I'm not even there for a killer workout. I'm on your bike because I can't be on mine. This tends to annoy instructors when we're in their class not doing their thing. Sorry. See that tattoo? However shallow it sounds, it means I know what I'm doing on a bike. If you care to come ride with me outside, I'll respect your indoor chirping a bit more. Until then.....umm..yeah...let the soccer moms sprint and sweat.

So I think we annoyed her. She kind of annoyed me. The music wasn't the best, the workout wasn't the greatest. But it wasn't bad. She didn't specifically say anything to us, so that gives her some bonus points, too. How and why NC picked the bikes RIGHT in front of her I don't know. Alas....

1hr spin class, 25 minutes core work. Good, solid workout for tonight.

Concept: Debunking the long run

This article (Running Times) might just reinforce what I've been thinking all along. There might be more value to consistency over volume. I am naturally suspicious of running only 3 times/wk in training for a marathon. This is all the Runner's World Smart Coach tells me I need, and was reinforced by a local running guru whose sage advice I trust. Yet, as someone who had it pounded into my head that one day off a week was sufficient, one day off a week was necessary, and that one could benefit and thrive with one day off a week, I found myself slapped in the face with this. You mean I can be an athlete with only three days a week? (We'll ignore that little "XT" that exists on the SmartCoach plans, telling me that it's ok to cross-train. I'm not quite sure they realize what we mean by "cross-train" anyway....a 30-40mi bike ride?? A hard swim workout?? Or an elliptical session with some aerobics?)

During the IM training and the Mary training, I did one 20 mile run. ONE. And I vowed, as I spent the next 3-4 days worthlessly wasted with sore, crampy muscles and some solid joint pain, that I would never do another. I will do back-to-back 13s, or back-to-back 10s, whatever it takes, but 20 miles on my body does as much harm as good. Kevin Hanson nails my thought process when he says "The body thrives on consistency," in the above-linked article. I have residual fitness like a mo-fo, and have proven that I can pick up after a ridiculous amount of laziness and pop out a 6mile run (or even a 12.5 for the especially stupid moment). I don't feel great and it may do as much damage as the dreaded 20, but it speaks to residual fitness. With solid and consistent training, I tend to pick back up into the routine fairly quickly and get to where I can "feel good" relateively soon.

But holding a nice scheduled 3x/wk run and gradually building about 10%/wk yields a nice, predictable schedule around which it is easy to work in swimming (and pepper in some biking if necessary). A more consistent schedule of 5-6 runs/wk makes anything else much more difficult. As a multi-sport athlete I would have to shift and make it work for me. Both structures contain nearly the same volume, one just spreads it out more.

It's worth considering as I look at these schedules. It's also worth noting, however, that the Hansons prefer a 20 week lead, whereas I currently have about 12. I have no intentions on running a 20 unless I'm training for an Ultra (kiss it, never) or running in a marathon. But, with it being the time of year that makes cycling totally unappealing (1"of snow on the ground this morning, more coming Wednesday and Friday) and swimming an exercise in freezing and illness avoidance, what better time to work on consistently running?

I recommend to all the purchase of Brooks and Asics stock. If Mama's going to spend more time outside hoofin' it, Mama's gotta be warm. One pair of fleece tights won't cut it. To be continued...

General weirdness...

I woke up today not knowing if it was Sunday, Tuesday or Monday. This leads to a very disorienting few minutes where I'm left trying to figure out if I can sleep in, what time it is, what I'm supposed to wear, and what in the hell I did yesterday. Upon checking my watch I realized that it didn't really matter the day, I could sleep for another few minutes anyway, at which point if an alarm went off I needed to get up. It was weird. I'm not good at the whole disorientation thing in general. But oh well...I finally discerned that it had to be Monday, since I didn't think I worked yesterday and remember watching football before I went to bed. That's about as far as I got when the alarm went off. Problem solved. (Except I think the alarm had already gone off once and I shut it off, thereby increasing the weirdness of not knowing where in the hell I was. It does, however, tell me that I was sleeping like a rock.)

Ran 8.5mi yesterday in about 1:32... It was 23 degrees when we left T's house. I wanted 8 mi, the plan calls for 8mi. But when you run with a sadistic person with higher expectations and unbelievable residual fitness, 8.5 is what you get. Further, when you start to fall apart about halfway into the run, she begins to get quiet to allow you to suffer, adding only the occasional "almost there" and "we're fine" to keep your brain engaged. If you're lucky you can throw in some conversation to distract her from a rabbit's pace and if the Gods smile upon you and bless you with a bit of wind she might even pick on that a bit. But you must beware of the dreaded "barn mode" in which she subconsciously senses being closer to home (or checks the GPS and knows it, or just knows it by looking around) and picks up her pace incrementally to "suicidal". You will all at once notice that you are struggling and the lower half of your body is now angry and convinced beyond doubt that your upper half has launched a coup attempt without informing your legs and allowing them to prepare. Your lungs are fighting with your calves who are fighting with your stomach and your brain is held hostage with little capability of strategizing how to stick your leg out and trip this person who is dragging you along unwittingly. Nonetheless....when you finish the run, it's all good.

It was cold, I was dressed warmly and when turned out of the breeze was almost too warm. Turning back to the wind, however, makes one realize why layers and zippers are good.

Longest run in 3-4 months with only 2 walk breaks (one while I attempted to bring all body systems to the same page of realizing that no one was dying alone). Best yet: I'm fairly sound today, with only a bit of tightness in the hams and calves.

Hello running, I may have missed you. Can you convince my body to metabolize again?

Frozen cheeks...

It's gotten cold here, finally. Really cold. Colder than it has been in over 9mo. Ran 5.38 w/JKL last night after work. Nice, comfortable pace, easy strides. The canal is largely protected from the wind, so while the air was cold it didn't bite as much out of the wind. Was dark by the time we finished, a first for her but one of my favorite times to run. Not quite the same experience as up by home, where it really gets quiet and dark dark, but still counts. Post-tibs tightening at the end and a bit of general tightness afterward, but that's to be expected when the air is about 35* & I'm not acclimated nor used to running in general.

5.38mi (flat), 56:38
36*, windy

The best news: today I feel pretty great. Slept like a rock. Oh, and it's 24* this morning.

Back to Basics...

What I originally started the quest for and what it has become are so vastly different that I have surprised even myself. A quick recount of that (dumb) Iron-distance race and a way to keep track has become a quick-glimpse into the myriad of crap that goes through my head. Much of it is censored, because it can be found by a broad spectrum of people, but it is nonetheless very much me. One of my favorite evolutions of this thing was an in-depth tracking log for my stupid sports. As I'm trying desperately to get back into "me" and back to who I want to be I need to bring this aspect of it back as well. I log here and at RunningAhead, though this side of it tends to be more of the actual feeling and impact of the workouts vs. the technical aspects. I like noting that side of things as much as anything else. That said, and since I'm giving it an effort again...I shall continue my efforts of documenting my athletic stupidity.

The goal: to run a marathon on the last day of February. That's a short 13 weeks from last Sunday. That's a quick ramp-up by any standpoint - when considering that I've spent the past 3 months practically sedentary, it becomes almost mind-boggling to me. Worst-case training scenario (assuming everything falls into place for the race itself) I drop back and do the half. Alternate scenario: I spend a weekend hanging with friends and yelling my head off and helping to drive. Here's banking on residual fitness and quality of sleep.

I've proven that I can schlep around for a few months and pick up and go for a 5 mi run without too many problems. I can get back in the water and at least survive a tough workout. I can even do that a couple times. What I'm hoping will happen is that my body will quickly remember what this "athlete" thing is like and I'll snap back fairly quick. My intent right now is just to focus on swimming and running, since the snow and freezing temperatures don't make me want to go ride for a few hours. This will most likely be my focus through next summer as well, but I still intend to do some tris. I just want to take it easy and have fun, remembering why I do these things again.

So last night's workout: a low-key 3mi on the treadmill around 5.5-5.8mph (10:20-10:54). Then I actually lifted with Noah. what's that? Did the world just stop turning? Did AW really pick up a dumbell? Did 3 sets of 10 on knee extensions, leg curls, step-ups, calf raises, lat pull downs, low rows & bicep curls (2sets). I'm a puny little girl on most everything but lats, and I was a bit noodly-legged walking out. But it felt good and felt like a step in the right direction. I can do all of that on my own. The run felt pretty solid too, some slight wonkiness below my right knee in a really weird spot, but nothing too out of whack. Was playing with my turnover a bit and am hopeful that as the distance picks up and the ability comes back I can train back to a fairly high cadence.

Is it wrong to want someone to die?

Not the "I hate you and I never want to see you again!" type of die. Not the petty crap that just doesn't matter and is moronic. I'm speaking of death as solace. Death as refuge from the sad state that the world has put you in through no effort and no consequence of your own doing. Is that wrong to wish someone could die, if only to be released from whatever "in between" they currently inhabit?

I feel quite miserable saying this, and very much like a bad person. I'm not sure how to comprehend how my God would feel about me saying this, though I hope He would feel it not inhumane. It's a grace that I'm scared to hope for, a blessing in disguise that one should be freed from whatever suffering I perceive there to be.

My Gramma (that's Grandma/Grandmother for the rest of you) is in the throes of Alzheimer's. I don't remember when Gramma was just a little incoherent, just forgot the little things. I remember the Gramma that had the pound cakes ready each Christmas by the dozens. The gramma that didn't have to look at any recipe (except the dumplings, I believe) to know how to cook it. The gramma that never missed a beat when Papa took to poking fun at her. I only briefly remember the Gramma that was miserable one Christmas because Papa was gone (and had been for a number of years, wounds stay fresher when you revisit them often). I remember hearing Gramma say she no longer wanted to live, and apologizing in the next breath for being difficult on Christmas. I remember my Mom getting her to get cleaned up, and us eating fried chicken before we left for home. I remember sitting and watching the Food network for 6 hours that day. But I don't remember the meanness, or the incoherence, or the blank looks that they say she has now. I just remember she started sleeping a lot. Quite frankly, I don't want to remember the reality of "now". I much prefer the reality of then. They say she's mean. They say she sleeps all the time. They say she's done with life. They say that when she is awake she no longer knows. So yes, I wish her freedom for her.

I don't want Gramma to die, but I don't want Gramma to live like this. I have a little secret hope that wherever she is there's some happiness. I remember that Gramma used to yell out in her sleep (and occasionally beat the hell outta Papa, which was funny then) because people were trying to get her. I hope she's not stuck there. I hope she doesn't ever have to go to that place that causes those fears. Even if it's delusion, I like to think her in a field of flowers or a kitchen, doing what Gramma does. That's where I picture her grayness, her gone-ness. I don't like to think of her as lost.

I read that it kills you by infection, or by making your body forget how to function, which causes the infection. No one says it's hospitable, or gracious, or even forgiving. I wonder if it's wrong to wish someone freedom, to wish someone happiness, like I do her. I'll never wish anyone to suffer, even if it means holding on for myself. That body no longer holds my Gramma to me. She's been gone awhile now. I've not been to see her in a few years, either be omission, or scheduling, or unconscious design of either myself or my parents. To some that makes me a bad person. To hell with them. I don't want to hurt her by making her endure time with a person she doesn't know, I don't want to scare her. And I'm selfish enough to admit I don't want to go through that either.

I don't think it's wrong to wish for a person to be free when it's love that's driving that. It's wishing for an end to suffering. I don't want her to die, but I don't want her to live like this. I just want her to be happy, whether it be in her field of flowers and my gray-ness, or with my God and Papa going for Sunday drives in the Town Car (but only if it's after a good, southern dinner).

This is my Monday conundrum.

Wow....

"I also put a glob between my cheeks and no problems ever! " We are such an odd bunch in this world of multisport. That comment is regarding how to avoid chafing and the beauty that is Desitin and Aquaphor. I just read it and had to laugh. We discuss these things publicly, we have no shame in "lubing up" where others can see us, and we have frequent discussions about the myriad ways that our bodies react to what we're putting them through.

It's no wonder people think we're a special sort of weird. I don't know that I'd have it any other way......

Exciting

I'm excited. Things are new. Two of the walls in my living room are now "smurf poop" blue. It's a color I've affectionately renamed. It's also the color of a little Aleve pill, so there's some real-world reference. It makes me smile to look at, it's sure different than the "dirty white" (I've been informed that it's supposed to be called "eggshell"...dirty white sounds more realistic).

It's a tactile change to go with some more subtle changes I'm making. I just want to be happy and do the things that make me happy again. If that means standing up for myself, so be it. If it means walking away from something that's important, but harmful, then so be it.

Things are new. I am me. I am smiling. I've not done this in awhile.

Wahooooooooo

I got my lazy ass up and went to swim practice this morning. I ALSO went to yoga last night with NB and a couple of girls. It was great to stretch and get bendy. Also great to spend a little bit with the girls yammering at El Torito with some Patron Perfect margaritas.

I hurt like a sunuvabich at the moment, my back and arms are worthless. But it feels so good to know that I did something that I wanted to do this morning and something that I am good at. (Or, rather, I am good at if I do it more than once every three months..)

I'm probably heading in a few minutes to buy paint and possibly change part of this house. I'm on a roll. Things they are a changin'....it's time to get my head outta my ass.

Random bitching.

I've gotten away from posting so much. I've honestly gotten away from caring so much. I'm not hardly working out, I'm working entirely too much still. I'm as stressed out as I can get. And quite frankly, I've gotten hell for what I've written and found myself being skittish about putting up my real thoughts on here, because of how they're read. That's not my intent. I started it originally so people could keep track of that race. I kept it going as a way to track what I was doing and a place to vent. I'm not interested in censoring my thoughts, feelings or opinions. I don't like hearing immediate feedback on it either.

So there are other outlets I suppose. Or maybe there aren't and I just am not dealing with any of it. Either way, I'm pissed off at the world. I know it could be worse, sure. I've got the house, the bills, the dogs, the bikes, the jobs, etc. But I want more. I want to not feeling like a damn salmon half the time, or like I'm the only one that knows what the hell is going on with the computer, or like I'm the only one that can be relied on, or that I'm the only one doing anything. Hell, I'm one person. ONE. Maybe there are others that can be super mom, super friend, super co-worker, super spreadsheet guru, super drinker and super athlete and super girlfriend. It's not me. Yeah, I'm selfish, but I'm sick of being the cruise director, the travel agent, the geek squad, the responsibility and the financial planner. I'm sick of it. SICK. OF. IT.

Maybe I want to be coddled, I want to be loved, I want to be needed. I want my damn happily ever after and I want to walk into work, feel important, feel needed and feel like I love my job. Not like my boyfriend (boyfriend, really?) hates me, my boss is annoyed with me, the client hates me, the roommate is annoyed with me and the dogs would rather be with anyone else BUT me. I'm feeling a failure at the house and the job and the life and even the sports. And you know what? I don't want to hear about how I'm not any of those things. So I don't want to be coddled and I don't want to be needed and I don't want to be everything to everyone. I can't. I won't.

I think I'm the definition of depression and anger. I know I'm the definition of PMS. I've recently been the definition of poor decisions as well. I'm the friggin' trifecta of joy, aren't I? I promise that if you reply, if you give me hell, if you immediately ask how I'm doing, what I'm doing, when I'm going, where I'm going, who's going to be there, what we did, how I feel or what I want or how to freaking do something, I'm going to scream, cry and take it all out on you. Yeah, it could be worse. It could always be worse. But right now it could be a hell of a lot better.

Just. Go. Away. I'm sick of trying to be who I am. I'm not even sure anymore what that is, but I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a very good job of it right now. I just want a break and I want to be happy. And screaming, crying, having this rough patch of crap over with. I'm almost 30 and I'm sick of being stuck in the middle of the beginning of my life.

The Spreadsheets are coming...the Spreadsheets are coming...

16 columns, 54 rows, one page, 63 manual inputs per page, 8 separate data sources, 5 cross-checks back to those sources, 11 additional formulas inside the page that display, another 12 that do not display - SIXTEEN TIMES. A historical accounting and explanation of the future projections encompassing a total of $132M.

Over 1,000 numbers I manually typed, and I erred on 15 total. That's less than 1.5% error. Two transposed numbers and 12 left over from an earlier version with a different methodology.

On all but 3 out of the 16, the calculations are within $1. The outliers have an additional component with a margin of error still at or below 1% ($200 - $15k).

Not too bad for a wordsmith, eh? And yet, to quote, "no one cares. Just fix it and send it, now." In essence, no one cares how much I did RIGHT. It only matters that it's not perfect. In this environment, I am destined to fail.

Kiss my ass. That's <1.5%.

Update: One of the "margins of error" was actually an incorrect calculation. Surprise, surprise. Failing to net out a couple of large amounts throws off part of the calculation. So yeah, still within a margin of error, as long as it's attributed to the right part of the calculation. When it SHOULD say ~9.7% and it actually says ~17%...others can look at it and know it's wrong somewhere. I, on the other hand, was looking at the totals, not the things that auto-calculate. Damnit. I can't win for trying.

Chaos.

The chaos has continued. Struggling to keep it going.

Ran 5.25mi yesterday. First run since early August. (I did jog a couple of miles earlier this week with Derreck...so that counts too.) It was super windy, and like all of my runs it certainly wasn't fast. But I very much enjoyed it. Hoping I can keep that going a bit. 5.25mi, 1:00:00.

This week's goal: working on the balance of my life a bit more.....making time for ME.

Supposed to head to Vegas on Thurs/Fri for Silverman. Hoping I can get it arranged and taken care of.

God Bless THAT Guy....

http://www.clevelandleader.com/node/3467

China People

A person whose life I read constantly wrote this. I had to laugh out loud as I was reading it and I miss my family something fierce right now. I'm not a china person really, but I will inherit some. I will even have the silver at some point. But know what? I hope I'm not the person that leaves it locked behind the glass doors.

We use the china at Thanksgiving and probably once a trip home. The china comes out, and most of it usually survives. If it's lucky, it doesn't even get put in the dishwasher - for which Mom might kill us. I'm sure it's happened before though. We are not the china people that leave it locked up.

Life is meant to have pretty things, useful things, that can be lived. Wear the pearls, use the china, polish the silver (on occasion) and don't live your life just looking at the things you accumulate. Own your life, get it dirty, experience the fun stuff.

Besides, if you've never had to go to the Mikasa outlet or searched the internet searching for the pattern for replacement pieces that may have gotten dropped during a Thanksgiving dinner that involved wine, beer, family (though maybe not too much of the genetic kind) and a bit of rowdiness....do you really think you're having as much fun as possible?

I know where the dessert spoon is, but that doesn't mean it's big enough. Life is meant to be too big for the niceties, too happy for the white carpet to survive in the formal living room and too frivolous to be contained only in the things we can observe.

Live it. Own it. Use it. Otherwise, what FUN is it??

Struggling with a lot of crap. That about sums up most of it.

Had a blow-up last night and said some tough stuff to aforementioned elusive beast. It's tough to say the things that are uncomfortable, but should probably be said. Even if I was spitting mad (for reasons that aren't entirely in his control) it doesn't mean that there are certain crossroads and things that we need to deal with. I am a bit antsy about our relationship. I don't want to "just date" forever...but I sure as hell don't want to rush to get married, either. I just want to know that I matter. I want to be needed and loved, I may even need those things. I hate to be that person and I hate to say it - it goes against most of my stubborn and blatant independence (however well I may be actually faking that at least half the time) to say I need to be needed. I feel like I should want/need to make my own way, the rest of you be damned. If someone wants to join the journey, then that's great, as long as it's a compromise on terms.

Maybe not true. (still sorting out some of this as I go) I need to know I matter. I want to be priority sometimes. I want to be more important than other things sometimes. I have no problem with "guy time" (because I'm sure as crap going to take my own time on occasion, and expect no gritching) and I don't want to be smothered. It's a fine line. One I'm afraid I'm struggling with at the moment.

I get pushed away and I grasp and get angry. Even if I started the pushing first.
I said crap I don't know that I mean - like, I can walk away. I mean, I know I CAN live w/o you, but do I really WANT to? (I think the answer is no.)
I'm sick of hurting. Well yeah, but it shouldn't always be a cake-walk, and I'm self-inflicting some of this pain. I'm not to assume you aren't hurting.

Schedules are schedules....I don't expect to be numero uno (that would be boring, and unrealistic) but I would like some time. Demanding jobs and weird parents and car crashes and planned trips (that I forgot about) shouldn't cause me to go off the deep end.

I just don't know if I'm ready to give up. I don't want to start over again. He does make me happy. I laugh with him, I feel good with him, I feel smart and I get my intelligence challenged, too (at least sometimes). I'm comfortable and have a lot of time invested here. I guess we're at a crossroads and I'm sick of pushing and making both of us miserable. It's not who I want to be - and I realize I'm transferring some of the external stressors into this situation too - we both deserve to be happy.

I'm a wreck today, I know that much. I'm not sure that I want what could happen. But I'm not sure I'm in a position to say anything else - I'm not going to convince anyone, I'm not going to make anyone love me, I'm not going to beg. I'm kind of at a loss here, and showing weakness isn't really a strong suit. I just am a bit lost maybe, all the way around. I just want us to be happy. I'm happy when we spend time together.

Update: Some things are written on walls. Best to get off the horse when it dies. Love may be one thing. Happiness may be yet another. Putting the two together, right now, isn't working for either of us. It is what it is and we are who we are. No one can predict the future and who knows what circles of life bring. Because we haven't actually had the conversation doesn't make it any less a reality. Maybe it's because we haven't had the conversation that it makes it that much more a reality. Either way it's sad and it hurts. But that's good to know that things matter, people matter. It shouldn't all be fun and games. Again, maybe some day...but not today. It's because I love that I have to let go. If we were perfect we'd be boring. If life is meant to be lived, it is worth living happily. Maybe happily ever after has an "us" with him, maybe it doesn't. If I knew, I'd be making far more money than I am now. Here's to who we've been and what we may yet be.

Universe, please clarify....

Here's a conundrum of mine....why do people allow themselves to "settle"? Why do some people allow themselves to be treated poorly? Why do some people not stand up for themselves?

Do they have low expectations of themselves?
Do they not think themselves worthy of the best?
Do they not think they "deserve" something or someone better?

There's a generation or two - the 2 or 3 just older than me - that believe the greatest reward is to be had by just putting your head down and plowing through. They believed that hard work was it's own reward and you could get far enough just by doing that. Then, you should be happy with what you've accomplished. There wasn't necessarily anything wrong with shooting high, but you needed to be realistic and if you start from a good spot and just grind it out, then the result isn't bad. There wasn't a need to think outside the box and/or really lay it all on the line and shoot really high. You got where you were going by busting your ass.

From a work standpoint I get that. But at the same time, I'm capable of more and I know it. That makes me just dangerous enough to myself that I think I'm selling myself short if I don't "go big or go home". I have a good job, I can work hard and advance and just keep plowing through. But if I'm not doing what I think I'm meant to do then it's not good enough and at the end of the merry-go-round, I'm afraid I'll be sitting there asking myself what the hell I was waiting for or what I was afraid of.

From a relationship standpoint, why even bother with the drama? I understand that it shouldn't be ALL simple fun and games. But someone should never be afraid of someone, you should never have to think about what they'll do to you - FOR ANY REASON (unless it's in a good way). There's got to be some intrinsic flaw within ourselves that makes us think we deserve being treated like hell. I don't really have that flaw...I mean, sure, my relationship isn't perfect. I could be treated like a Princess and have the world handed to me, but I don't want that. I like it not being perfect. I like having to work for it a little bit - on both sides. My Prince Charming has dirty fingernails, and maybe a few guns, and yeah maybe he's lacking on the charm sometimes. At least my current Prince Charming does/is...but I will NEVER be afraid for my safety with him (or because of him).

Someone should never embarrass you. Someone should never make you feel uncomfortable. No one should ever make you feel unworthy. No one should ever have to wonder if they're good enough. No one should ever have to settle for anything.

My somewhat random thoughts for today...and no, I still haven't started working out again.

"Allergy"

So whatever it is that has me feeling like crap pretty much all the time, I'm ready for it to go away. I'm sniffling, sneezing, sounding like hell and just generally pretty wiped out. Since it's so sporadic, I'm not sure if I'm really sick or I'm allergic to something. But it's been going on for about 3 months, so while I hesitate to say that I'm sick (no "cold" would last this long without making me feel worse) I'm also not sure that there's some random allergen that's hanging around. I sneeze randomly and with great force, and usually in multiples. My eyes normally don't bother me and I normally am not too tired (though my desire for most things athletic has taken a serious nosedive). I'm just snotty and drainy.

I've dusted and vacuummed, and didn't get worse or better. I've been around the dogs dirty and clean and I don't get worse or better (in fact I don't really sneeze around them). I seem to maybe get a bit better throughout the weekend, then by Tuesday I'm back to sounding sick. Is it the canned air in the office? Is it "work"?

I don't know...but I'm sick of feeling, sounding and looking sick.

The elusive beast...

I told you all he exists....I know hardly no one believes me and think I make him up, but it is not so! He stopped by to send me a text message ("text"...ass) and wish me happy birthday. Reality: he was avoiding work. Like hanging around in your vest, uniform, various guns and arresting-paraphernalia is really that comfy and fun. I'm sure that at some point I'll see him in "normal" clothes at some point....soon.

We still have no pictures together and I might've gotten a snarl and scowl for this one, but I needed to prove that he is actually a living, breathing thing.

Twenty Nine years ago TODAY

Actually...fairly close to right now, or just a little bit ago...I arrived. I took my first breath, and wailed my little butt off. My Mom was zonked out for awhile (I think...it was C-section) and my Dad was fishing. Pretty apt if you know him, Dad isn't really an "on time" kinda guy. But then, thinking about it, I'm not usually an early person, but I was that day.

Apparently the world couldn't wait for me. So yeah, 29 years. I'm ok with this one...it's this time next year I'm worried about. You're still allowed to be ridiculous in your 20's (I'm ok saying "late 20's, too). I don't even have to round up to 30 for 6 1/2 months yet.....

Hell, I'm practically still in diapers. More serious reflections later. If only the world had known what it was in for....think my Mom would'a had the longest pregnancy ever?

Promise I'm not crazy...just mad @ the scum of society

From the mouths of babes....praying for the preserverance of the Innocent.

As God's judgement pales in the face of the pain you shall feel, like Hellhounds loosed in the dark night feed on your soul, know that you are pursed by a dark-tinged light that will make you rue the day...

By our hands, His or theirs, you will know your judgement erred, you will know why & you will know yourself never forgiven. Of this I am sure.

I've damned before when I was robbed of my own abilities & coherence. I leave that judgement to Him. In the here & now, away from my past, filth anew... He shall not even have to dirty His hands. May He not be given the opportunity, for respite & mercy would be far too gracious when this heathen has offered no grace. May he suffer without end.

Struggling w/ how much (or how little) is worth putting up with. I've been through some rough stuff on my own - I deserve to be wanted & appreciated if I'm going to take the chance on being with someone.

How much is enough effort...how much is enough time together... What is enough love & thought...what are common goals...

Struggling with being lonely in a relationship. Struggling with working too much. Struggling with not taking enough time for me. Struggling with not being active enough.

Maybe time for change. Scared I'm not strong enough to meet my own needs anymore.

I was wrong...

See previous post.

I was wrong about it sucking (sort of). When I can breathe and look at the computer without my nose dripping I will proffer up a more proper report on the activity of surviving Lake Michigan (and a trip with new girls).

For now - this is the view before/after the race as the wind picked up and blew the fog out over the city..it was an amazing view. Normally amazing from boats and/or the city, but when you're bobbing (or gasping for breath) out in the water it becomes an entirely new definition of awesome. We (humans) did that...all of that - be it good or bad. That's darn impressive when you're paddling along - just you and a swimsuit. So maybe I could've focused on the "task at hand" a bit more in a few points during the morning....whatever.

Looming Big Shoulders...

So...we've officially established that I am fairly worthless as an athlete. I think I'm somewhat naturally inclined as an athlete (despite my physical appearance that would beg to the contrary) and the bunch of years of endurance training (6 in tri since college, cycling last 2 yrs in college - only somewhat endurance - and the swimming for the 10 years through school) probably helps that I can usually survive events despite being horribly under-trained. That said, I'm sick of falling short of my goals and expectations.

But with even that said, I'd like to go out on a limb and note that this weekend will suck. I don't know that there's really any way to be prepared for a 5K swim..scratch that, I know it's possible. But as sure as I am that it's possible, I'm equally sure that I am nowhere near ready for this thing.

As swimming has been "my thing" since I was gnat-high, I'm sure I will survive. (After all, I did survive last year @ Morse with about 3 swims for the year prior...) I'm equally sure that I will have a good time. What I'm not entirely sure of, however, is whether or not I will be pleased with the effort.

Maybe I will just have to work that much harder to drink away my worries and woes both before and after....now if I can just get this travel arrangement thing figured out....it IS tomorrow that I'm to be leaving, after all.....

Thoughts for today....succeed big, or fail bigger.

"It is not the critic that counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles.
Or where the doer of deeds could have done better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement.
And at worst, If he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

— President Theodore Roosevelt, "The Man in the Arena", Paris, 1910

The Rundown

I went horseback riding yesterday. Fun.
I'm at work at 7p and have only "schlepped" for about 15 minutes today. Not fun.
I swam Friday and Saturday morning. Fun.
Spent Friday at the golf course. Fun.
Spent Friday evening at Mudsocks watching idiot girls (and chillin' with some fun clients). Fun-ish.
Spent the rest of Sunday (while not on a horse) on the couch. Boring.
Planted wee-bushes/trees and mums on Saturday. Dirty, but fun.
Went to the Colts Kickoff Luncheon today. Lunched with Lance Bell (I think). Fun.
Am trying to figure out how to NOT work 12 hour days this week and still deliver the deliverables. NOT fun.
Trying to make things right with the Moms. Not fun.
Trying to not bitch endlessly about work.
Last softball game tomorrow night. Bar after. Fun.
IMLou this weekend. Fun.
Have seen DM once in about 2 weeks. Not fun.
Am debating if relationships are worth it. Way not fun.
Am trying to figure out how stress, food, sleep and toilet paper are related in my life. Interesting, but not fun.
Have been listening to endless office gossip about above-mentioned idiot. Not fun.
Putting off grocery shopping - no money. Not fun.
Have been thinking about golf lessons and the upcoming fall & birthday. Fun.
10 year reunion in one month. Fun!
Must stop eating for above. Not fun.
Still haven't picked up the vaccum at Cleary's. NOT FUN.

I want to go home. But I have to finish the Resolution log one more time. Need to update the timeline and get the comparison to print out right. Then, I can MAYBE start on what NEEDED to be done today. It's 7:05p, do you know where your evening is going?

So here's my plan...

...you do a HIM, you suck at it and feel miserably about your performance. You do NOTHING (except two halfway decent swims) for two full weeks and then you go to the Club Championships (an Oly-ish) and you pop out your last race of the year.

And you enjoy the hell out of it.

• You may find out on the way down there that there's mountains in them thar hills...
• You may drop your nutrition w/in the first 5 minutes on the bike...
• Your bus may almost be late and your entire team goes running into transition with 40min to "go"...
• You may feel like the air is dripping, and 90+degrees....
• You may take one look at the "river" (read: gigantic debris field you'll be slogging through) and nearly puke...
• You may ask aloud after a cannon goes off "Was that for us?" and then decide what the hell and dive in...
• You may have to throw a punch (or two) while swimming, to one of your neighbors....
• You may even have to get a slight push up the hill (or two) from one of your teammates...
• You may even run out of gears for what feels like miles and still only have a 17mph avg...
• You may nearly pass out on top of the levy and roll into said river never to be found again...
• You may get panicky once (only once!) while going downhill and without reason grab onto your brakes...
• Your roommate may have stopped 1/2 through the run (because he thought he was done) and then start again 2min later...
• Your friend may have broken nearly every bike part he had...and still finish (with you, nonetheless)...
• Another teammate may have gone skidding along the road on his tail and shoulder, tangled with another idiot who can't hold a line (read: triathlete)....
• You may, once again, wear almost as much Gu2O as you drink....
• You may watch a quiet, 19year-old basketball-playing punk FLY by you going up a massive hill like you're sitting still (oh, and it's his first race...and his dad just went skidding by on his butt)....
• You may even rock out the #14 swim time out of 116 and STILL feel slow....
• You may spend 1:24:42 throwing up in your mouth and sweating mud while cussing your bike gears (again)....
• But you may also get a *free* "mud mask" at a race....
• And you may wind up bathing in a fountain between two government buildings with your old roommate while half-clothed in the middle of a town while chit-chatting....
• You may even, if you're lucky enough, have someone say to you as you walk up to a swim start, "Be careful and walk slow, there's some glass around here...."
• And you may even take a log to the forehead during the .78mi swim...

But you'll enjoy it anyway. After a season of perceived disappointments and giving up, with one bright spot in a race that I historically flop, I had a good day. I'm not thrilled with the time, I didn't feel all that spectacular, and I debated having a chat with the paramedics afterward. And the race was pretty much pure chaos for most of the time we were there....But you know what? I had some fun people at that race with me. I realized, yet again, while it may be an individual sport, but it's a helluva lot more fun with a team. There are people to giggle with as you run by, people to cheer for you when you don't know your own name. There are people to push you up hills, pat you on the butt as they ride by, and drag you along for the last 1/2 mi. There are plenty of people to get beer for, to hand beer to, to yell for if (IF) they win a raffle prize, and people to cut a too-tight hairtie out of your hair. These are your friends.

There are good people everywhere in our sport. They aren't hard to find. If you can shove a bunch of them on a bus (that may or may not have a properly operating door, zipping down the interstate opening itself every once in awhile), put a huge cooler of beer in the bottom of the bus, give them pizza and throw them all into a hotel, I can just about guarantee you'll have a good time.

(Oh, and if you can throw in the opportunity for the ONE black/African/French-speaking guy in all of triathlon to hop out in the middle of Kentucky to stop traffic and guide the bus through a huge tunnel, get lost a couple of times, scare the crap out of some Subway folks in Ohio - I think it was Ohio - and, AND outparty the family reuinion in the hotel lobby....you'll get a few more laughs, too. Just make sure someone can tell the bus driver which way to turn to get back to the cars.)

These are MY people, and I'm so lucky to have them all.

Steelhead RR

I need to go ahead and go through this. I've been putting it off becuase it wasn't a "shining moment" of mine. But I need to relive it and go through it to learn from it to try to prevent the bad parts from happening again....

So..Steelhead, my first M-Dot branded event. It's somewhat of a pilgrimmage from Indy for a ton of people to this race every year. It's a big-ticket day that's close enough to really get to, known for a fast course without too many challenges and some great scenery. Having completed to half-Irons last year, and Muncie again this year (DNF notwitstanding, I was there damnit), I figured that while planning this year I wanted something BIG on the docket. This was to be MY year...where I hit the plans and really trained consistently and solidly throughout the summer to really show up to play at these things. (HA...little did I know...) That strategy may have gotten derailed a bit as I sailed upside-down through the air with my bike in pieces above me...I've struggled this summer, with training consistently and injury, motivation and just really finding the ability to enjoy the sport. But...when you've already signed up and paid the money - you've gotta show up.

We (NB, NC and I - KS following in the Red Baron what turned out to be HOURS later) drove up mid-day on Friday. A quick stop to adjust the bikes at a surprisingly busy sweet corn stand at a church two very aero bikes going a quick-step/chacha on the last 2 rungs of the rack was making me nervous. Got to the expo with little problem (finding a certain Cervelo strapped to the back of a car in Kokomo to follow helped) and proceeded to meander for awhile. Not a bad expo - and I've seen me some expos - with everything pretty well laid-out and available. Course briefing, race talks, packet pick-up & food all in one spot? Heck yeah. There was the obligatory M-Dot merch. - the amount of merchandise kind of makes me nauseous, it's a marketing machine and I think it almost takes the emphasis off the race itself - BUT I GOT THE T-SHIRT MOM?!!! But that's my own person axe-grinding mission. Nice dinner at Tosi's (note: NOT Tosi's Cafe....go 5 miles downstream) w/the Runner's Forum crew and to bed we went.

Ramada in Watervliet, MI is a scary, scary place. Rooms are nice & the water park sounds like fun. The lobby, however, with it's Safari theme & all the dead heads on the wall (not to mention the accompanying pictures of the kill) is a bit much. While not as offended as some, it's still creepy to me. The other annoyance is the group of people hanging out drinking beer & smoking cigarettes right below our window at about 2:30a. I don't like being an ass - but I had to call and ask someone from the front desk to tell them to shut the hell up. This, however, was the good alternative to my initial idea of opening the window & dumping the ice bucket and beer from our room on their heads. I felt it a solid compromise. Anyway, I slept like hell. Good tidings for the wakeup call at 4a.

Got to the race without too much incident, transition set-up fairly seamless (though it appeared even more of a catastrophuck than Chicago's transition chaos). Note to organizers: might consider widening the aisles just a smidge, when someone can't stand on either side and still have a bike squeeze down the middle, it's a bit close. Though that did make for a couple of funny moments in transition - rolling my bike along over wetsuits, clothes, shoes, gus, etc. No one told me there was a balance challenge involved. Started the hike down the beach for the swim start. Wound up cutting the time just a bit close and running from where we were standing to the water's edge with about a minute to spare, but it was all good. Gun goes off and let the fun day begin...

Swim: I got a bit beat up. The waves coming in at an angle were easy to keep an eye on and body surf a bit. I was hanging on the outside of the pack, pacing really well with another girl. Note to self: when keeping an eye on waves, one might also consider the push/pull affect of this - otherwise bumping & almost kissing a chick as you swim along side-by-side can be a bit awkward (though would make for a PHENOMENAL race story). Swimming towards the sun in some reasonably large waves (with red goggles) made the buoys a bit hard to spot. I just kept remembering that the turn buoy was yellow & the rest were orange. Only hard part was that they all looked yellow to me until I was right on top of them. I turned early once, cut directly across the pack of swimmers (sorry girls) and just made an ass of myself. Getting that time back was a bit difficult, but I spent the rest of the swim on the inside aiming directly for the buoys. I probably swam 1.5mi total. Sheesh. At least no chafing from the wetsuit and the water was clear. Oh, and the beach run up to T1 wasn't too bad...just long as hell. Swim: :30:52 (incl. run to T1, was out of the water around/under :29)

T1 - not bad, fairly quick. Wetsuit slid off, threw over rack. Shoes went on, wasn't entirely clear where to go with the bike but followed the herd and whaddaya know - they were right. Hopped on bike and away I went. T1: 3:32 (ouch...not sure where all the time came from other than running from end to end.)

Bike - I hate Michigan. It's a beautiful state, almost everyone I've met is nice, and I have nothing against it as a whole really - except they have shit roads. Seriously...someone needs to take the MDOT to a course on "How to pave". I got the hell beat out of me for about 45 miles. I'm fairly sensitive to getting beat up on the bike (between Saddle Quest 2009 and riding 21mm tires....I'm a tad touchy and sensitive here) and just absolutely lost most of my will to live in the middle of this course. The sun was out, it wasn't too hot and the wind wasn't really bothering me (at that point) so I could have really enjoyed it - except my teeth were rattling, my crotch was burning, and I was soaked (LITERALLY DRIPPING) with Gu2O & water. My rear bottle cages immediately rattled loose (again...PIECE OF SHIT), my aero bars moved...I just couldn't get and stay comfortable. Mixing the bottles become a freaking nightmare and I had forgotten at the beginning of the day to put the rubber bands on the aerobottle too. That might've helped a bit, or it might've just made the thing rattle with the bike more and slosh even more onto me. I don't know, but I know that I didn't get enough calories or hydration on the last 1/2 of the bike course becuase I couldn't hold still enough to put the fluid in the bottle and not on me. This was a HUGE issue (not the calories, the rattling) for me. It got in my head and just derailed the whole race.

When I pulled out of T1 I could tell there was a bit of a breeze picking up, but it didn't seem too bad. I could tell throughout the bike that it was getting a bit heavier, but about the first 3/4 of the bike is with or across the wind (out of the SSW). It's also fairly flat-ish. By that I mean it's not freaking flat at all - but nothing is too out of control. There's a couple small guys where I was able to hop out of my saddle, which was ok becuase it felt good to change up the position a bit and stretch. Mostly it's just a gentle but constant change in elevation. Then you make the turn back onto the highway (I believe MI-13?). Welcome to my hell.

These are hills. They're not steep, most of them aren't super-long (by Silverman comparison), they're actually pretty great road, and on an ordinary day they might be great for training...if it wasn't A)a race, B) the prior 40mi of shit-chatter pavement, C) the 20-25mph direct headwind. Silverman, is that you???? The headwind from hell proceeded to remove all optimism that the shit-pavement had left behind. Slightly encouraged that I still seem to be fairly comparable in the long, grinding hill category with most - I was still passing quite a few people, albeit much slower than in the first few miles headed the other direction on this road. I just kept hearing good, old E-Berger in my ear saying the old college-riding mantras, "Riding on windy days is what makes you a good rider. Don't panic about the speed, don't push too hard, concentrate on good form and consistent effort. Pedal smooth circles and keep your body quiet. Windy days is when training pays off." I repeated that quite a bit, before I just started cussing (eff this, eff, Michigan, eff Steelhead, eff triathlon, effin wind, effin incompetent pavement, effin shins, screw it all). Anyway...that wind just ripped me of my drive and ambition when it came to Steelhead. I would guess that the first 10 - 15 mi of the bike were great as far as speed and effort and power went. The last 15 had quite a few moments where I looked down and saw 6-8mph on my bike computer. IN A FREAKING RACE. Urg.

I made a saddle-height adjustment earlier that week (on the one pre-race ride I did on the new saddle - the only one I did in the entire week and a half pre-race...oops) back very close to where the post was marked from my 'Duza and the fit last year. Voila - seems like a lot of my missing power came back. I think that saved (what little I was saved) me on the hills. However, the unintended part of this is that I've spent all season training in a sub-par position - with quads, glutes and hams all doing the bike work. Lifting myself back into a good aero-position shifts all the bike work to my quads, saving the glutes and hams for the run. This spells good things for running - but not great things for a hilly ride at race-pace (which resembled snail pace at the end, but whatever). Note to self: DUMBASS - don't make pre-race changes that haven't been trained on, even if they are for the best. It might've been smarter for me to drop my saddle back down a bit until I could put more quality time in that position. Maybe would've had the same result though, since the run went to shit anyway....Nutrition on the bike was so-so. Gel/hr philosophy still works, bottle/hr works well, too. ~225 calories or so makes my body fairly happy. Bike: 3:02:44

T2 - came rolling in through the park entrance just ready to be done. Figured a short distance back to T....I clearly missed a bit of that headed in when it was still dark. I felt like I was in the "chutes" forever! Ran right past my transition zone by a bit....no big deal. Got bike put back, shoes off and whatnot. Wasn't really hurrying (time clearly shows that). Took the time to drink a bit, get a couple of salt tabs out, tuck gels and put on hats and apparently took a nap and had a nice tea party as well...T2: 5:15

Run - About halfway through the bike leg I could've told you the run wasn't going to go well. Getting the crap beat out of me in previous races has made for a bit of a choppy stomach. Gulped down a bit of water and 2 salt tabs headed out of T2, gel not too much later. (Remember that caloric deficiency on the bike? Yeah....) Just felt pretty cruddy in general. Tried to get the HR down a bit and just relax. I've done this long enough to know the first 1-1.5mi sucks. I generally try to just stay calm and not think about it. There's a fairly impressive hill at about .9mi on this course. Up until that point - while my shins were tightening up - I was in a decent rhythm nonetheless. Hit the hill and got to watch some of the pros coming in - that was nice. Anyway...the hill sapped me and I figured it might be a good idea to walk up the hill. It's a long run and this is mile 1, you know? So I'm doing some breathing, watching the pros, trying to relax. Get to the top and start chugging along again. Then starts the typical parade of people ripping by me,demoralizing. My head wasn't in the game - I was aggravated from the bike and just didn't feel good. I let it get to me and just pretty much gave up. Was floundering a bit, right shin just kept getting tighter and tighter. (left one, which is where the issue was at Muncie, was just freaking fine, damnit)

Just shy of mile 2, my New Friend Mary came along (#51). Mary was in wave 3, wasn't having the best day either, but Mary's a freaking miracle. I think this was Mary's 4th Steelhead. She's headed up to Madison for IMMOO here in awhile (I think). Mary pretty much grabbed me by the hair, made me her charity cause and drug me through the rest of the race by my hair. Mary is - in essence - the reason I finished the race. She caught me (again, since I had just shuffled by her a couple minutes earlier) right after my first crying & self-pity party. We spend the next 2 hours together, chatting about kids, life, racing, philosophies, bastard shins & good friends. Mary's got some good friends. Mary picked up a couple of other people along the way, too. I never got the other lady's name, she didn't get too engaged in the conversation, but she hung in there really close to us the rest of the way from about mile 8 on. Mary doesn't let people drop. I got to the point around 7 or 8 where I could've picked it up a bit, but in the end I don't think it would've made much of a difference to my time. (It still would've been disappointing to me) Instead, I ran from somewhere around mile 2 all the way to the finish line with Mary. She said I made the time go faster. But she saved my day. We all need a Mary every now and then. And people like Mary are why I do these things and don't give up. Mary even made BM, who was suffering greatly, feel a bit better about the day and keep pushing along. Mary was, without a doubt, my favorite part of Steelhead. The run was uneventful - we walked the aid stations (plus a bit when she would let me get away with it) and we walked up the big-ass, gnarly, bastard hill (twice). We picked it up for about the last 3/4mi, and we even caught the chick in the skirt that had passed (went "flying past") Mary somewhere in the first mile. Dumb, young girl....she was still chugging but didn't look like she was having as much fun as we were. AP ran for about 1/2mi with us around 11-12 or so - rocking the Ibuprofen rattle from the backpack, chatted a bit about the TnT folks there and the season (he was there for the bike wreck). Mary and I finished together just as it started to sprinkle rain. Run: 2:31:07.

Overall - 6:13:28 - NOT a challenging bike course phsyically, not an overly challenging run course outside of the 2 hills. Both are fairly pretty and good experiences. Mentally the bike course's a bitch. Keep your head in the game over that chatter-crap and you'll be in a good spot. Me? Michigan can have their shit-for-pavement and what it does to me. Michigan can have the weird weather (at least in Muncie I KNEW it was going to rain and be hella windy at some point). I won't be racing in Michigan again until someone can prove to me that there is indeed a smooth road.

Steelhead wasn't as great a challenge as I expected it to be. I was disappointed in all the M-Dot hype as it turned out to really not be that tough. Maybe it's because I've run the whole gamut of experiences now - the tiny, fun, outrageous sprints that start/end at a bar (Florabama), the HUGE Oly races (Accenture CHI) where it's a HUGE event, the tiny HIM and full (Great Illini) with hardly anyone there, the local sprint that becomes a HUGE deal with first-timers (EC Sprint), the exciting full w/the super-challenging course (Silverman) with great local support and the medium-sized/large race with an enormous amount of publicity (LTF in MSP) and a huge pro field and the local race with a TINY pro field that doesn't have much support but has HUGE weather challenges (Muncie). Steelhead was kind of a been-there, done-that experience. I felt it was more hype than anything else and while I can appreciate that some people need/want that, I don't think I do. Maybe I was just mentally in a bad spot for the race. But between the bad weather, the bad time and the bad feelings, the hype and commercialism just annoyed me.

I won't be back to Steelhead, but I might be convinced to go sherpa. I just didn't get my almost $300 worth out of the race - either in challenge or good-time experience. It was a rough day, but that's sorta been the theme this season. I feel like I've struggled since the bike wreck - both in motivation and health. I'm disappointed in my results from Steelhead - it's the slowest half I've done, with better weather, better bike position and less injury than others. I feel like a total heel being disappointed in a finish - but I had such great expectations early in the year that it's just not what I had hoped. So...I regroup, head to the MERCRS champs this weekend (an OLY!! Finally an OLY...well, almost an Oly...with a short - and potentially cancelled! - swim...but still....an Oly-ish!!!) and finish the season. I'm hopeful that I can have a good time at this race - I haven't touched my bike since Steelhead, I haven't run since Steelhead, I've only swam a couple times since Steelhead.

So that was Steelhead....but on the bright note - the bike looked badass and the pizza/pasta post-race (although soggy as hell) was good. And I had good friends along, which always makes even the worst race a little better. Jeebus, why can't I write a race report in under 17 pages?!?!?

Sheesh...

I'm a slacker. But I'm getting through life. Work is stress through-the-roof and there's not much leftover energy for the rest of life right now. I've not really done anything but swim a couple of times since Steelhead. The MERCRS champs this weekend could be funny.

I really fucking hate difficult people. Who just want to be difficult to be difficult. Beady, weasel-eyed asshats.

Just for Today....

Just For Today I will live one day only, forgetting yesterday and tomorrow, and not trying to solve the whole problem of life at once.

Just For Today I will be unafraid of life and death; unafraid to enjoy the beautiful and be happy. People are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just For Today I will adjust myself to what is, and try not to make everything over to suit me. If I cannot have what I like, I will try to like what I have.

Just For Today I will be agreeable, cheerful, charitable, do my best, praise people for what they do, not criticize them for what they cannot do; and if I find fault, I will forgive it and forget it. I will try not to improve or regulate anybody except for myself.

Just For Today I will have a plan. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have one. It will save me from worry, hurry and indecision.

Just For Today I will get off my nerves and not get on theirs. I will appreciate them for what they do and what they are.

Just For Today I will not show it if my feelings are hurt.

Just For Today I will find a little time for quiet, to relax and to realize what life is and can be, and get a better perspective of myself.

Just For Today I will look at life with fresh eyes and discover the wonder of it; I will knw that as I give to the world so the world will give to me.

A real fighter passed on after inspiring many to stand up and fight against cancer. I just learned about this amazing woman and the things she inspired so many to do. I shamelessly pulled the above out of the comments left on her husband's post notifying the world of her lostwon battle. Susan, live among the stars and watch your work be done for you.

www.fatcyclist.com - Livestrong Challenge - www.livestrongchallenge.org - Team Fatty

Grumble....

I'm somewhat aggravated with the world right now, so I'm holding off on the Steelhead report for now. "If you don't have anything nice to say...." blah blah blah.

Stay tuned. It's not going to be pretty, but maybe it'll be a bit more positive with a bit more time.

I'm looking forward to getting moving again and not putting any pressure on myself or having any expectations. I want to get back to where I'm "me" again and can race (live) with a smile on my face.

I'm not there right now.