A note to my Guardians.....

My life, my decisions, my needs, my emotions. No one gets to judge. You people can only slightly warn me once & then your piece has been said & you're done. I get where you're coming from, I truly do. I know why you're so dead-set in your opinions & trust me, I'm not too far off of those from time-to-time. But dear God, allow me the chance to reach out & obtain what I need (or what I think I need) for a little while. It is, after all, my life. You can only protect me so much, though I know you would gladly spare me from any & all hurt & discomfort & struggle if you were able. That's your job as a friend & a parent. But this is my fight & my perogative. If I choose to walk out on the teeny, tiny limb & take a chance....you just get the joy of being prepared if I happen to fall. I learned the tough way that I shouldn't necessarily shut doors on people (or things, or opportunities) & I was rewarded for it...even if it didn't exactly turn out into what I hoped. When something matters so greatly to you that you're willing to reshape your life at one point & then gets redirected (for whatever reason) it's tough to shut down & simply walk away. I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face here...I deserve to be happy in the long run & I'm the only one that gets to choose that path. And I can't hurt any more than I already have, I promise you all that. So I owe it to myself to see where this goes. And yeah, there's at least some pure selfishness in here that is reaching out to take a little bit of comfort & support simply because it's there. This has been a damn hard few months, one has only to read through this blog to know that. If I can lean on someone else even a little for a little bit then I'm ok with it....if it makes me selfish & manipulative, well then so be it. I guess that definition depends on the outcome. If I get screwed over, then it was worth it. If I don't, then I suppose it's a good test.
We shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater...one mistake doesn't make a horrible person forever, especially if the reasons for the mistake are understandable. (Note: I didn't necessarily say forgivable, but certainly understandable.) If I am willing to understand the rationale for the decisions then I also owe it to myself to ponder if I would have done the same thing as well as my own tolerance for heartache. Only time will tell but I've made the poor soul suffer enough already just by myself. I'm sure the jury will be out for a long time for those who are so protective of me...it's a long road to prove intent when you're busy carrying your burdens as well. I have no intention on making it any easier than it needs to be, but I have no problem allowing the road to be walked. For all those overly worried about me & willing to throw down immediately...remember that I have allowed the door to open, the outcome is my own fault. I'm willing to take the risk - even if it only winds up being short-term pleasure. The pain would be no more long-term than it's already been, believe that.
Anyway...my life, my decisions, my emotions. My guardians, each & every one, are loved & appreciated for the intent & the protection. The initial pain was not my fault & nothing I asked for, but this is my own doing & that must be respected by you all as well.

This morning...

I have to jot down some thoughts, because it's been a rough morning. It's actually been a helluva rough week - the stressors keep piling on & the stress relief is in short order. Working out provides an amazing respite from the stress of life & multiple full-time jobs (at the same company) but when you're working 10-14hr days at said jobs, running in the dark in a strange city isn't exactly going to relieve anyone else's stress.

I mentioned awhile back my consideration for medication. I bit the bullet at an appointment & asked what might be a good idea, was sent on my way with a year's Rx for a teensy dose of Lexapro & told that "if it didn't work or I had any concerns, to just call or come back." Now, in my job we spend quite a bit of time discussing the validity of prescribing things along appropriate clinical treatment protocols & so on & so forth. Simply handing someone a 13 mo. supply of this medication isn't exactly the correct protocol, but I'm an athlete & pay pretty close attention to my body & I'm thinking my doc remembers that & knows that if I have any questions I'll call or pop in. But, if following the 'rules', I should have some blood tests done after about 3-4mo to make sure I'm not shredding my internal organs or sending anything outta whack & I should have (had) a follow-up appointment after about 4-6wks to see how the medication was affecting my life. Further, I shouldn't have just ramped up cold turkey into the full dosage, there should've been an adjustment period of how to take the pills & acclimating my body. But anyway, that's an entirely different story. They seem to have helped greatly, or at least that's my impression as my stress level has literally gone through the roof.

Vague-blogging.

I was intro'd to a new term earlier this year which I have somewhat perfected - vaguebooking. it's the posting on Facebook of thinly-veiled vagueness that really clues no one into anything other than that something is going on.....I've perfected this. I have a number of "stalkers" on FB...one of which being my mother...sometimes I like sharing the blunt reality of my thoughts. Other times I just hint. Then there's the occasion where I'm bitching about someone/thing that directly relates to someone else on FB....vagueness is sometimes essential. Anyway....I'm hereby creating a new genre...vagueblogging. Thinly veiled, unapologetic & with little explanation. This is, after all, my world & my thoughts....I've done it before & I'll do it again, it just has a name now....

Evaluating 2010 - or lack thereof.

This is going to be tough this year. There's so little to evaluate from an athletic/racing/training front. But there's so much that has happened outside of that arena that I still think this is necessary. If nothing else, I'd like for this to serve as a reminder to self about why I am who I am (good & bad) & how I can continue to get through the obstacles & setbacks, the tough spots & the easy. So...here's hoping this looks a lot different next year...





The day before the Sharkfest that wasn't

-What one word describes your 2010 season? Does it match what you said last December in anticipation of this year? Non-existant. This is as close as I can get to one word that sums it up. I had what looked to be a decent start to the season going. A good showing in Alabama & even though I struggled in the half-marathon in NOLA & the Pig (again, just in a different way), I still showed up at TH & did ok. It wasn't spectacular, but it was ok & I wasn't displeased with that. Thought I was setting up in a manner to put some time in on the running & figure out some things this year. Then started the Ohio debacle &

things fell apart from there. Writing this on December 17th, my last full, official workout was in May. That's disgusting to me. I've gone on a couple of bike rides, a couple (literally, couple) runs & swam a couple of times (including a 5k)...but nothing that represents living in a healthy manner or being active consistently. I'm so far from where I thought I'd be last December that it's damn near shame-inducing.



Race start of the Rock 'N Roll Mardi Gras
New Orleans Half-Marathon





-Did you race any new distance this year or try any new type of racing or sport? The only new thing I did this year is prove that I can sacrifice my personal life for my career. I set new records for myself in my lack of training, racing & general sports involvement. I was on the boat to do a swim from Alcatraz that got cancelled AT the island, that would have been new, but I've swam further so maybe it wouldn't have counted. I was supposed to swim a 10k but I pulled myself out of that delusion prior to registering. That would have been new as well. Neither would have been prepared for properly or executed to the best of my ability, of this I am sure.

Mudathlon. You'd make that face
too if you had mud
 in unmentionable places...



I did run the Mudathlon in Anderson, IN with C. THAT was fun. There aren't really any pictures & it wasn't anything that would be considered fast or inspiring. It was dirty (took 2 wks to get the mud out of my ears), it was slow (climbing over hay bales, military hurdles & through a river ain't exactly dashing) & it was gross (mud - EVERYwhere. I think I peed mud. And it was dry before we got hosed off. We simply threw away about half of our clothes...). But it was a helluva good time. We laughed, we splashed, we ran & jumped. We had fun....it's nothing to do for a time record or a win, but it's a helluva good time to be had getting nasty & doing dumb things. 



Day before Big Shoulders...
more like Big Waves & Big Cold.
But yes, that's a palm tree, in Chicago.



-What was your greatest thrill or joy this year from training or racing? I swam Big Shoulders in September, regardless of the fact that I was woefully unprepared. It was horrendously cold, the water was incredibly rough & the swim was 20:00 slower than last year. But I felt, in even the smallest way, that I was still myself even after all the crap I've been through this year. I fought through that swim, that cold & finished the race. It wasn't easy & many wouldn't have done it. Hell, many didn't that day.....There's an athlete down in there & she'll be back at some point. But she's buried under a really, really large pile of self-doubt, disappointment & emotional crap right now.

Post-Drumstick Dash. Soggy in Starbux w/B & T

On Thanksgiving, I ran the Drumstick Dash with T & Little B. We did the short option (2.3mi I think) in just gnarly weather, but it was his first time running in anything other than his neighborhood with his Mom. He had a blast & wouldn't stop thanking her for letting him run & said he couldn't wait to do it again. We didn't run fast, we took a couple of walk breaks, we played leap frog with the traffic cones, joked with the spectators, raced a car & stomped in a puddle. We had FUN. It was one of my most memorable runs & I hope the sheer joy of that stays with me for a long time. It's why we do what we do & I hope he does it for a long time also.



Post-Mullet Man.



-What was your biggest disappointment this year from training or racing? The complete & total lack thereof. I've allowed this to happen, let there be no doubt about that. I've long stated that if you allow yourself to be run over & worked without end, it will become expected. The problem with high expectations is that, once they're set by others you have no choice but to perform to the expectation or disappoint. I've **finally** reached the point where I'm accepting a bit of disappointment from others to live up to my own expectations. Or....to be more realistic...to start taking steps to start living up to my own expectations again...hell, to even be in the same vicinity as my expectations....



-What was your favorite race in 2010? Tri - Alabama...one of two I actually showed up for. I performed decently & had a good time. I had family & friends there & ran my butt off. Swim - Big Shoulders - I'm in there...it's buried & it's going to be painful...but I'm in there, somewhere. Run - Drumstick Dash. Witnessing the discovery that it can be fun...inspiring.



Urg...

Not sure I have many other terms. It's been a helluva weekend & I've not really got many startling things to say about it. Had a breakdown, put some stuff away, took the dog to the emergency vet, watched a helluva football game, ate very little. Yelled at said dog way too much & put some lights up outside.

I also broke a window in the garage (& probably my thumb) in the process of said breakdown.

Things aren't progressing as I would have liked them to, clearly. But there's a saying that bears repeating, "If you're going through hell, keep going." Onward, driver....

Dilemmas & Drama

I've had a rough week - big surprise there. I feel like most of what I've been doing since I started this whole "Ohio" thing is simply whining about the drama, the delays, the lack of sleep, the challenges, or any other normal thing that would come with transitions & challenges. That's what this is, you know....it's a stepping-stone in my life, a challenge to overcome & get through so that, when I emerge on the other side I will recognize once again what I am capable of going through & surviving on my own. This, too, is a repeated theme from the past 9mo. At some point before 2011 begins I will have to compile the list of 2010 accomplishments, failures & challenges. I do this every year, but they don't usually go anywhere outside of my head. Much like each birthday, I think the ringing of the New Year is a new beginning. It's a chance to take what the past year wrought & do with it what you want - better or worse - & learn, grow & know what NOT to do with the new year you've been given. Taking a few minutes for reflection.....this year it might take a bit more than a few minutes....it's been a helluva year.

This past week is no exception. Ups & downs, drama & emotional breakdowns. Failures & quitting, walking away & "holing up" to protect myself, to just name a few of the things in the past week alone. Some I'm proud to stand up & face, some I'm just embarrassed by. No details necessary, but suffice it to say I have a broken thumb & I REALLY wish I remembered exactly how it was broken. I also have a broken windowpane in my garage & I really wish I DIDN'T remember how/why it was broken. Ah well.

If it were boring, or I knew how to better articulate about all of it without opening the Pandora's box of my emotions again....I would explain fully. I'll leave that to the therapist when I get back to that exercise. For now, I've got alligators & assholes to take care of before I can go enjoy Christmas.....