I'm so damn sick of fighting my way uphill, of wanting something so bad & feeling so very alone. I feel like I'm the only one working towards it. I feel like I'm over-sensitive about everydamnthing else, from wanting to check emails to text messages to facebook every damn 5 minutes, to being CONVINCED that it's the same old shit, every single time - that's I'm just making up the happiness that I think is there or the future that I think is there. I'm searching constantly for opportunities, for light, for reasons & my chance to make a break but hell, I feel like I'm the only one. I haven't been asked about how I feel or what I want or my job or what things arelike here in so damn long, it's like I don't exist. I understand now the misery that I was putting him through when I was being negative & miserable & even though I wasn't quite taking it out on him it wasn't exactly helping things when you've got nothing positive to say or don't really feel like doing anything but whining and crying. I know how helpless & frustrating being on the receiving end of that is now and it sucks! I can't do anything about it so I just want to scream get over it & quit taking it out on me. I know that's not what's being intentionally done...I really do...but that doesn't stop it from being frustrating or hurting or making me question EVERYTHING...JUST when I want to be packing up boxes & I'd REALLY like to stop thinking about weddings & babies & new jobs & moving. Hell, I just want to fix this & make it go away - I'd LOVE to rewind the clock 12 months, to tell someone to get a move on the recruiting, that my ass is needed at home & to LAUGH when everyone else starts talking about transferring. Grass is greener. Hell, people are nicer, air conditioning works better, workouts are productive, life is healthier, food tastes better, life is better.....
damn it all. I'm just so frustrated I can barely speak or function. From the top of the world to the bottom of the heap. Thinking of finding a doctor to up a dosage or talk things through about how to rebuild trust & how to get through this mound of shit without pulling my hair out. One day....one day I will look at this time period in my life & I will realize how strong I (we) are & that if we can do this - regardless of the outcome - we can do anything. Right now? I'm just sick of being alone & fighting (with myself, the world, the dogs....whatever).
