Still....

And still, I miss my life & myself. What & who I know I am, because this isn't it.

I still feel like I'm missing something. And as I'm currently in what I'd like to call a "rough patch" even though some would call it success I've got this heightened sense of "missingness" that I feel like something is passing me by.

I'm not sure if it's the career I was 'meant' to have, the family I don't yet have, the love I've had & lost (or given away), the family I do have but is far away or possibly the security of the friends (the rest of my 'family') & home that I'm leaving behind. I'm not sure, but I'm not exactly feeling very grounded in my own presence right now.

I know I miss working out & being healthy, I miss my pups when I'm not with them & I miss the boys (& the rest of my friends). I've got a lot of worry leveled on my shoulders right now & am juggling a lot. I know this. Likewise, I know I'll get through it & keep making the best of it. Once settled I can begin to work out. I get a few days with the girls if I survive another month. I get some quality time with my parents (during which no one will yell - or cry - for at least a little while) soon. The dogs will be with me full time starting in a few days, we'll get that other house on the market soon, I'm officially off the other account starting today & the kitchen table will fit. Once I start working out & get settled I'll make friends, but don't have to lose the ones I already have. It'll all be ok, I just have to keep chugging along.

And the love thing? Well, I'm just playing it by ear for now & trying not to hurt myself. I think that may be the easiest (or toughest, when it comes down to it) part of it all. For now it's certainly the easiest not to worry about & enjoy thinking about.

Proving what, exactly?

I'm sitting in New York, not the city, the state. I'm somewhere roughly in the middle of it. Frankly, I think I'm in the middle of nowhere. But it's nice here. I'm technically at a casino (also known as a client) sitting in a pretty plush hotel room. I have a meeting tomorrow in this neck of the woods & then will fly back to Cleveland. Yeah, "home"....when you start flying in/out of an airport in a place (that, coincidentally, you only "live" a few minutes from) it should somewhat be considered your home. Especially when most of your clothes are in that city. Even moreso should it be considered such when almost all of your shoes are there...for me, that's saying a lot.

I'm officially embarking upon this journey. Still unsure on the closing date for the house, or the listing date for the Carmel house, or really on the moving date (& methodology) for the furniture. Hell, I'm still unsure if it's the right thing to do. But I have to plow ahead & as always, I'm sure things will work out in the end.

It was said to me the other day by a friend, "I'm really surprised you're going through with this & making this move." I'm still not entirely sure that's not an insult, but it does somewhat annoy me.

I debated over the weekend (with a different person) what I'm constantly trying to prove to myself/the world/whoever with my athletic antics & stubborn streak. What could there constantly be left to prove to anyone & will anything ever satisfy that need? When will it ever (when will I ever???) really be good enough? Will I ever pass my own tests & where did these tests & standards I've set for myself come from? And are they holding me back in other areas of my life? (i.e. if I were so stubborn & all-fired determined to do things myself - or by myself - would I have someone by my side to fight these battles & prove things to the world? Would I be easier to live with if I could live with myself?)

I think the two are related. I'm constantly trying to prove something (but don't know what) & even though I'm scared to death of doing this by myself that's exactly what I'm left doing (& now feel the need - nay the necessity - to do just that). It is a self-realizing prophecy? Am I driving myself to be alone because I'm so hell-bent on proving that I can? Or have I just been unlucky thus far in finding someone who can keep up with me and/or who wants to keep up? Will I ever be good enough for myself, let alone anyone else? And if I can't ever satisfy my own standards, will anyone else ever be able to stand up to them?

There's a helluva quandry.

Laughter

"You sound more like yourself than you have in months, in a long time."
"I feel more like myself than I have in a long time."
"You haven't sounded this relaxed, like you're having a good time & you're happy."
"I think I have been, happy, this weekend. It's rare, hard to recognize & certainly hard for me to imagine at the moment, but I've had a damn good time the past couple of days. Hanging with the girls to the volleyball game - teenagers wear me out but they were so much fun. Even if it was at that godforsaken school. Riding with the guys, seeing friends, just being outside & breathing, hell that's more than I've done all summer. And I don't feel bad about it. I have no idea where my blackberry is & I don't care. I even snuggled & slept in a tent & didn't sleep a bit because of all the noise. Remembering that I really like riding my bike & (assuming I do it routinely every now & then) I'm kinda good at it. Just feeling healthy & alive. Sheesh. Have I really been that far out of it all summer?"
"Yes. And I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"What good would it have done?"

Amazing what an agonizingly long bike ride & a collegiate volleyball game will do. Even more amazing how quickly my entire demeanor changed between being stoked & nervous to ride another 50 (potentially agonizingly slow) miles & making the decision to bag it for responsibility. I went from smiling & laughing through exhaustion to angry & teary about sacrificing & missing my life.

It's coming down to the wire, I've driven the first load of stuff over to CLE & actually put it in the house (another agitating as hell story about why I'm STILL sleeping in a hotel later). This thing is really going to happen & I'm still not 100% on board with it being the right decision. But I have very little choice in the matter now & as said awhile back will be plowing forward & making it work because that's what I do & it's who I am. It'll turn out fine because it's how I roll.

But for about 36 hours this weekend I had a blast. I canoodled & laughed & huffed & puffed. I shifted into the granny gears & cruised up hills & old men passed me. I slept outside between two snoring men, ate PB&J with pasta salad for breakfast & did a wee bit of yoga & stretching on the quiet lakeshore just after sunrise all by myself. I got my feet & shoulders rubbed & saw more stars than I've seen in months. I was me & damnit, I was happy.

Lordy...just a vent.

I'm afraid this is becoming a very negative thing to read & for anyone that does do so & feels the same, I'm sorry. This is just the one last place I can really not pretend at all & no one should really care. Again with the, I know it could be worse & all that jazz. I mean it when I say I realize that. But holy goshdarn hell this is really freaking hard. I know the light at the end of the tunnel jazz & I've found the house & we're chugging through that process but surely, SURELY there should be an easy day now & then. A day where I don't feel like I'm letting EVERYONE down if I ignore the phone one more time or tell someone I can't help him through this spreadsheet one more time, or just say to hell with it & do it myself because I know it'll be quicker & it's got to be done NOW.....Where the to do list doesn't sit idly next to me glaring like an ignored puppy about to pee on the carpet. Surely, at some point, I will feel good at my job again.

There will be a day where I don't push my fingers to my eyes & force myself to breathe normally (or breathe at all) & not cry - because I don't have an office door to shut anymore when in IN. Surely I will, once again, be able to even consider the word proactive & what it MIGHT mean to my clients. There has got to be a day when I don't think miserably of the stuff undone or wonder what's going to wake me up tonight & wonder who else I disappointed today.

I'm sick of being mad at the world & negative. I'm sick of bitching about everything left & right. I'm really sick of feeling inadequate because I know I'm damn good at what I do....when given the time to do it/anything.

But sonofabitch this is hard. I'm tired & angry & not getting anything done & damnit I've even been in the same office for 2 whole days. I just don't get it. I ate lunch at 6p tonight. I want desperately to go home & be comfortable & not feel like I'm empty & bitter. I want to be able to pack things like I said I was going to - one box a day all week. Shit. I'm just sick of working so damn hard. I hear everyone else whining about how hard they're working but they don't have any idea! (I know I don't have their jobs or lives either....so I really don't know myself...but I know that there are people that really, REALLY, cannot be working this hard & why can't they help?! )Why can't someone else just try to explain something, or have the knowledge to get something done? Why is it me? I swear I'm not this important. Really....I can't be. If someone/anyone/everyone knew me & what I'm capable of before they put this much faith & pressure on me then they really would've thought twice.

I just need a break. I haven't had a full day without the blackberry killing me since maybe April or earlier? I've come to about the end of my rope & am out of answers. I cannot work any harder nor disappoint any more efficiently. I cannot be made to feel worse about the consistent inadequacy that I am bringing to the table right now. I promise. I can't feel any better about the lack of effort & focus I'm offering, nor can I be any less bitter about the waste of time I'm having to put in on menial projects & meetings just to save face.

I'm tired. I've got nothing left to give. I keep saying that & I keep giving. I keep staying until 9p or later or finding ways to get things done but I really am not sure I'm going to survive this week. I'm really at the end of my rope & not sure how to deal with this crap any more & it just keeps building! How amazing is that?! It just keeps coming out of nowhere with things I either said I'd do, someone else said they'd do or meetings that someone else needs me at. I was so excited to have a couple of hours just "away" last week & now I'm aggravated that I took that time - I could have gotten at least SOMETHING done during that time & maybe not been so buried right now.

I've got at least 5 booklets to review, 2 RFPs to get out to the market, 1 report to do of marketing results, a meeting trip to schedule, two meetings to prepare for tomorrow, a spreadsheet to populate for rating, renewal information to gather for more rating/review, have ot make sure we get in some actuarial work tomorrow & still have to hunt down carrier information so someone else can file forms for 2 clients by the 15th & oversee 3 printing jobs - one of which isn't even estimated yet. That's just the shit popping off of my head because it's written down right next to me. I have 4 more piles behind me.

Just breathe. Do one more thing & go home. One more only...send the email that's started & try to sort out which booklet is the revised one to send to the client. Maybe I'll sleep tonight or at least get a better idea of what the hell's actually priority on the to do list.

God I don't know how to get this all done & stay sane. I'm going crazy.

Off the grid...

I took a little bit of time last night & this morning for me (& partially for the rest of the world, too, but that's another story). I did something I totally wanted to do, but that was somewhat irresponsible. I even kinda planned this thing, though I didn't plan the thoroughness of it, nor did I really consider (nay, care) the consquences. I went totally off the grid for a number of hours.

I left in the middle of the night, didn't tell anyone where I was going (except the person living where I was going) & I hid. I listened to a little music, laughed a lot, sat/sprawled/soaked/sweated in a hot tub, watched some kittens, had a couple glasses of wine & by God I relaxed. I left the phones & the work & the dry cleaning & the mortgages & the house(s) & the job(s) in the car & I just let it all fall away for a few hours. (11...to be close) I had alarms set for 8:30, I turned them off. I woke up with a cat laying on my stomach purring & we played & cuddled for a little bit, then we went back to sleep. I was sleeping in the quietest house I've been in for a long time. No tvs, no radios, just a babbling little waterfall/pond & a kitten purring & some fans running. I snuggled in the morning sunshine on soft sheets & told the world to go to hell for awhile, I was taking care of myself & purring with the kitty.

I've paid for it dearly with the rest of my day - crashing back to reality with 5 voicemails (on the cell phones alone) 3 text messages & about 50 emails...when I got in the car, just from this morning. I'm exhausted (being up all night does that to you) & it'll probably take all weekend to get the food/sleep schedule back on track. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I love the comfort that I experienced last night & this morning. I love being able to not worry for even just a little while. I loved not being responsible & the hardest decision being what wine we would drink. I love the huge laughter from being goofballs with the cat, the impressive sounds from a top-notch sound system, the relaxing comfort of steam with the moon & some of the stars that I haven't seen in awhile (hello, Orion...winter must be coming) & the confidence/reassurance that comes with a longstanding relationship. Yes, I will gladly do any of that again regardless of the consequences.

It's October 1st & I feel like I've missed most of this year. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of time that could've been fun. I've probably taken a few years off of my life with all the stress & worry. I'm surely at a loss as to what the next period of time will bring (see picture below) but if I can find nights/mornings like this one again as often as I need them then it will all work out.

I'm kinda still purring.