Laughter

"You sound more like yourself than you have in months, in a long time."
"I feel more like myself than I have in a long time."
"You haven't sounded this relaxed, like you're having a good time & you're happy."
"I think I have been, happy, this weekend. It's rare, hard to recognize & certainly hard for me to imagine at the moment, but I've had a damn good time the past couple of days. Hanging with the girls to the volleyball game - teenagers wear me out but they were so much fun. Even if it was at that godforsaken school. Riding with the guys, seeing friends, just being outside & breathing, hell that's more than I've done all summer. And I don't feel bad about it. I have no idea where my blackberry is & I don't care. I even snuggled & slept in a tent & didn't sleep a bit because of all the noise. Remembering that I really like riding my bike & (assuming I do it routinely every now & then) I'm kinda good at it. Just feeling healthy & alive. Sheesh. Have I really been that far out of it all summer?"
"Yes. And I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"What good would it have done?"

Amazing what an agonizingly long bike ride & a collegiate volleyball game will do. Even more amazing how quickly my entire demeanor changed between being stoked & nervous to ride another 50 (potentially agonizingly slow) miles & making the decision to bag it for responsibility. I went from smiling & laughing through exhaustion to angry & teary about sacrificing & missing my life.

It's coming down to the wire, I've driven the first load of stuff over to CLE & actually put it in the house (another agitating as hell story about why I'm STILL sleeping in a hotel later). This thing is really going to happen & I'm still not 100% on board with it being the right decision. But I have very little choice in the matter now & as said awhile back will be plowing forward & making it work because that's what I do & it's who I am. It'll turn out fine because it's how I roll.

But for about 36 hours this weekend I had a blast. I canoodled & laughed & huffed & puffed. I shifted into the granny gears & cruised up hills & old men passed me. I slept outside between two snoring men, ate PB&J with pasta salad for breakfast & did a wee bit of yoga & stretching on the quiet lakeshore just after sunrise all by myself. I got my feet & shoulders rubbed & saw more stars than I've seen in months. I was me & damnit, I was happy.