Proving what, exactly?

I'm sitting in New York, not the city, the state. I'm somewhere roughly in the middle of it. Frankly, I think I'm in the middle of nowhere. But it's nice here. I'm technically at a casino (also known as a client) sitting in a pretty plush hotel room. I have a meeting tomorrow in this neck of the woods & then will fly back to Cleveland. Yeah, "home"....when you start flying in/out of an airport in a place (that, coincidentally, you only "live" a few minutes from) it should somewhat be considered your home. Especially when most of your clothes are in that city. Even moreso should it be considered such when almost all of your shoes are there...for me, that's saying a lot.

I'm officially embarking upon this journey. Still unsure on the closing date for the house, or the listing date for the Carmel house, or really on the moving date (& methodology) for the furniture. Hell, I'm still unsure if it's the right thing to do. But I have to plow ahead & as always, I'm sure things will work out in the end.

It was said to me the other day by a friend, "I'm really surprised you're going through with this & making this move." I'm still not entirely sure that's not an insult, but it does somewhat annoy me.

I debated over the weekend (with a different person) what I'm constantly trying to prove to myself/the world/whoever with my athletic antics & stubborn streak. What could there constantly be left to prove to anyone & will anything ever satisfy that need? When will it ever (when will I ever???) really be good enough? Will I ever pass my own tests & where did these tests & standards I've set for myself come from? And are they holding me back in other areas of my life? (i.e. if I were so stubborn & all-fired determined to do things myself - or by myself - would I have someone by my side to fight these battles & prove things to the world? Would I be easier to live with if I could live with myself?)

I think the two are related. I'm constantly trying to prove something (but don't know what) & even though I'm scared to death of doing this by myself that's exactly what I'm left doing (& now feel the need - nay the necessity - to do just that). It is a self-realizing prophecy? Am I driving myself to be alone because I'm so hell-bent on proving that I can? Or have I just been unlucky thus far in finding someone who can keep up with me and/or who wants to keep up? Will I ever be good enough for myself, let alone anyone else? And if I can't ever satisfy my own standards, will anyone else ever be able to stand up to them?

There's a helluva quandry.