I'm afraid this is becoming a very negative thing to read & for anyone that does do so & feels the same, I'm sorry. This is just the one last place I can really not pretend at all & no one should really care. Again with the, I know it could be worse & all that jazz. I mean it when I say I realize that. But holy goshdarn hell this is really freaking hard. I know the light at the end of the tunnel jazz & I've found the house & we're chugging through that process but surely, SURELY there should be an easy day now & then. A day where I don't feel like I'm letting EVERYONE down if I ignore the phone one more time or tell someone I can't help him through this spreadsheet one more time, or just say to hell with it & do it myself because I know it'll be quicker & it's got to be done NOW.....Where the to do list doesn't sit idly next to me glaring like an ignored puppy about to pee on the carpet. Surely, at some point, I will feel good at my job again.
There will be a day where I don't push my fingers to my eyes & force myself to breathe normally (or breathe at all) & not cry - because I don't have an office door to shut anymore when in IN. Surely I will, once again, be able to even consider the word proactive & what it MIGHT mean to my clients. There has got to be a day when I don't think miserably of the stuff undone or wonder what's going to wake me up tonight & wonder who else I disappointed today.
I'm sick of being mad at the world & negative. I'm sick of bitching about everything left & right. I'm really sick of feeling inadequate because I know I'm damn good at what I do....when given the time to do it/anything.
But sonofabitch this is hard. I'm tired & angry & not getting anything done & damnit I've even been in the same office for 2 whole days. I just don't get it. I ate lunch at 6p tonight. I want desperately to go home & be comfortable & not feel like I'm empty & bitter. I want to be able to pack things like I said I was going to - one box a day all week. Shit. I'm just sick of working so damn hard. I hear everyone else whining about how hard they're working but they don't have any idea! (I know I don't have their jobs or lives either....so I really don't know myself...but I know that there are people that really, REALLY, cannot be working this hard & why can't they help?! )Why can't someone else just try to explain something, or have the knowledge to get something done? Why is it me? I swear I'm not this important. Really....I can't be. If someone/anyone/everyone knew me & what I'm capable of before they put this much faith & pressure on me then they really would've thought twice.
I just need a break. I haven't had a full day without the blackberry killing me since maybe April or earlier? I've come to about the end of my rope & am out of answers. I cannot work any harder nor disappoint any more efficiently. I cannot be made to feel worse about the consistent inadequacy that I am bringing to the table right now. I promise. I can't feel any better about the lack of effort & focus I'm offering, nor can I be any less bitter about the waste of time I'm having to put in on menial projects & meetings just to save face.
I'm tired. I've got nothing left to give. I keep saying that & I keep giving. I keep staying until 9p or later or finding ways to get things done but I really am not sure I'm going to survive this week. I'm really at the end of my rope & not sure how to deal with this crap any more & it just keeps building! How amazing is that?! It just keeps coming out of nowhere with things I either said I'd do, someone else said they'd do or meetings that someone else needs me at. I was so excited to have a couple of hours just "away" last week & now I'm aggravated that I took that time - I could have gotten at least SOMETHING done during that time & maybe not been so buried right now.
I've got at least 5 booklets to review, 2 RFPs to get out to the market, 1 report to do of marketing results, a meeting trip to schedule, two meetings to prepare for tomorrow, a spreadsheet to populate for rating, renewal information to gather for more rating/review, have ot make sure we get in some actuarial work tomorrow & still have to hunt down carrier information so someone else can file forms for 2 clients by the 15th & oversee 3 printing jobs - one of which isn't even estimated yet. That's just the shit popping off of my head because it's written down right next to me. I have 4 more piles behind me.
Just breathe. Do one more thing & go home. One more only...send the email that's started & try to sort out which booklet is the revised one to send to the client. Maybe I'll sleep tonight or at least get a better idea of what the hell's actually priority on the to do list.
God I don't know how to get this all done & stay sane. I'm going crazy.
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