I gave up so much of myself over the past couple years - hardly working out, not racing, no self-esteem. Between a lousy work environment, a relationship that wasn't fulfilling & left me angry & lower-than-expected financial ability to deal (funding multiple houses) just left me wasted at the end of each day. I told myself that it was ok to not put pressure on myself to be an athlete right now, it's ok to just survive each day doing what I can & not stressing about what I wasn't. It drained almost all of who I am, what I'm proud of & what I do to reclaim my sanity. I hadn't ever needed medication & found myself on Lexapro just to sleep through the night & shut my brain off long enough to recharge to make it through the next day.
About two months ago I realized that life is way too short to spend it getting beat up (metaphorically) all the time. To spend time being angry or being sad, to allow the excuses making it ok for me not being "who I want to be", to blame the financial issues on the bad situation, to say that it'll get better & I'll/we'll come out the other side, to continue taking the blame for everything that was right/wrong/indifferent/unhappy - without making any efforts to do so. I had already started the ball rolling to relocate & had to do a major gut-check on WHY I was doing it - for him or me. Turned out the process started for him. But then things changed. I took charge of my own situation, my own happiness, my own destination. I still relocated to the same town, but I did it for me. Great job opportunity fell in my lap, great house, good weather, awesome parks to run in & great pool to train in. It's not my fault that he was unhappy, it was my fault that I was allowing myself to be unhappy. It's not my fault that he lied to me & cheated on me - it became my fault for sticking around & letting it continue, for thinking I wasn't worth more than that sooner & that he did love me enough to work it through. It's not my fault that the relationship failed - it's my opportunity to say I did everything I could possibly do & now I get the chance to be as happy as I deserve to be.
I relocated to a new town where I only know 2 people. I've severed ties with those people now (in walking away from the relationship) & am so happy I could fart rainbows. I got in the pool for the first time in almost 2yrs four days after handing his shit back & swam nearly the fastest intervals I have since college. I've run through a hilly park & realized that it's not as easy as it was, but damn it feels good to be able to look at the deer, the owls, the leaves, the trees....so I walk a lot for now on these runs & they're nowhere near fast - I'm exploring a new town, new areas, finding new people, etc. I'm reconnecting with the person I want to be & rediscovering the standards & expectations of myself & my life. After so long of allowing the excuses to justify why I was just floating through & allowing (maybe needing) someone else to set the expectations, the standards, the pace, the outcomes - I realized that I'm extremely lucky to be alive, to have the abilities I do & the opportunity to be who I want to be. I owe it to myself to not take that for granted, to not look back & realize that I wasted too much time on less than my best. I deserve someone that wants to be with me & someone that wants to work with me (through the good & the crap) to enjoy life together.
My first run out here through Percy Warner Park I saw an owl about 3mi in....I wouldn't even have seen it had I not been darn near dying & running so slow (uphill). We just stared at each other for a few minutes until I finally turned away. Such strength & serenity. Thank God for the opportunity to breathe so hard & be hurting enough to witness that. Second run I was within about 4ft of a yearling fawn. Again, we both just stood & stared for a few minutes. I watched it go from frozen in fear to curious to knowing I wasn't a threat & moving across the path right next to me. Another moment....life is about how we deal with what we come across. It's ok to be afraid, tentative & uncertain, but our reaction & the outcome we control is the only thing that matters.
Take the time you need to let the pain subside & do what you need to get by, but don't allow yourself to be at the mercy of anyone else's decisions or feelings. The only thing we can control in our life are our reactions. There are not victims, only volunteers. You may not have asked for this or wanted this, but you're in control of how long you let it affect you. It takes time to heal & to move forward but you cannot live your life being a product of what has happened. You are worth more than that & you deserve nothing but the happiness that lies just ahead. Realize you're worth it, you deserve it. You deserve to live each moment stoked to see what's next, with someone/something who can't freaking wait to see it with you.
Everything is a new opportunity to rediscover who we are, what we're capable of & what we want to become. Be strong & know that, whatever your faith, there's a guiding hand at work. We don't get to choose the path, we get to choose whether we enjoy the journey & what we learn. I moved from IN to OH last October, from OH to TN this September. Nothing has to be permanent if we don't want it to be. If you don't like where you're at, find a way to either make it work to find your happiness or find someplace else. It takes courage to face life & wring from it what you want, but it's so much more fun.
As I wax poetic only 1/3 of the way through my coffee lemme tell ya...having gone out on 3 dates, two rockin swim practices within the past week & a marathon (eek...that one may be ugly, but it'll be funny nonetheless) this weekend....when we decide to live our lives instead of letting life live us....it's a helluva lot more fun. Keep plowing forward & rest assured that the best is yet to come. (Enough of the Hallmark commercial already!)
Picture of the Day
Vacation Fun
November 17, 2011
September 7, 2011
New Directions
As if one solid year of turmoil, indecision & transition wasn't enough.....yeah?
I'm hopping back on the merry-go-round of relocation & job changes. This time I've initiated the process, I've made the call to find my own happiness & I'm making the calls on the job & how much it demands from my life. Somewhere around 6 months or so ago I made the decision to stop simply enduring what I was gonig through & letting my life live me. I consciously made the decision that I want to get married & have a family, that I want to settle in a little bit & start the next chapter of my life. I was reasonably certain that I had the person in my life that I wanted to do that with.
Enter:/Continue: unhappiness with job & surroundings, frustration with job searching & housing arrangements, work expectations & staff changes (somewhat unexpected) leaving responsibilities in the lurch (again), a never-ending circus of drama & arguments - either as a result of any of the factors above, our own creation or simply a lack of communication and/or misunderstanding. It's been a long summer. It's been hot, I've been unhealthy, there have been tears. I think that much has been obvious - whatever we want to title this chapter, this Cleveland "adventure" (read: debacle), I'm ready for it to be over.
I won't soon forget the pain I've endured (either self-inflicted or by sheer stupidity) or created. But I've made decisions & I'm moving forward. I've finally *FINALLY* gotten good news (albeit within 12 hours of bad news...pendulum) and I'm headed in the right direction. I'm leaving Cleveland.
I've gotten the job offer (verbally, anyway), I've got someone helping me look for a house, I have a small army helping me figure out logistics (without ANY progress...yet), I've discussed the offer, the ramifications, the attitudes & the rationales. I'm ready. While I'm sure it's right for me to be leaving Cleveland, I'm a smidge less sure that I'm headed for my "place". Given the relationship shake-up, I'm less sure than I've been in awhile about where that place should be. But hell, I might as well keep plowing forward. Why not Nashville? It's closER to home, the job could be awesome & interesting, there's a ton to do in the city & it's where He is so we might actually be able to give it a shot like normal people. There's going to be some changes & some attitude adjustments between now & then though. I will not tolerate stupidity & someone fucking with my future (again).
There's entirely too much to be done in the next 3 weeks for me to fathom. Resignations, realtors, rents, rental trucks, boxes, beds, furniture.....I can't even imagine doing it alone...but that's the hand I've been dealt (again). I'm going to lift my head, plow through & show the world it can be done (again). I'm already tired. At least this time I feel like I'm in charge of at least part of it...even if I'm not really sure what part yet.
I'm hopping back on the merry-go-round of relocation & job changes. This time I've initiated the process, I've made the call to find my own happiness & I'm making the calls on the job & how much it demands from my life. Somewhere around 6 months or so ago I made the decision to stop simply enduring what I was gonig through & letting my life live me. I consciously made the decision that I want to get married & have a family, that I want to settle in a little bit & start the next chapter of my life. I was reasonably certain that I had the person in my life that I wanted to do that with.
Enter:/Continue: unhappiness with job & surroundings, frustration with job searching & housing arrangements, work expectations & staff changes (somewhat unexpected) leaving responsibilities in the lurch (again), a never-ending circus of drama & arguments - either as a result of any of the factors above, our own creation or simply a lack of communication and/or misunderstanding. It's been a long summer. It's been hot, I've been unhealthy, there have been tears. I think that much has been obvious - whatever we want to title this chapter, this Cleveland "adventure" (read: debacle), I'm ready for it to be over.
I won't soon forget the pain I've endured (either self-inflicted or by sheer stupidity) or created. But I've made decisions & I'm moving forward. I've finally *FINALLY* gotten good news (albeit within 12 hours of bad news...pendulum) and I'm headed in the right direction. I'm leaving Cleveland.
I've gotten the job offer (verbally, anyway), I've got someone helping me look for a house, I have a small army helping me figure out logistics (without ANY progress...yet), I've discussed the offer, the ramifications, the attitudes & the rationales. I'm ready. While I'm sure it's right for me to be leaving Cleveland, I'm a smidge less sure that I'm headed for my "place". Given the relationship shake-up, I'm less sure than I've been in awhile about where that place should be. But hell, I might as well keep plowing forward. Why not Nashville? It's closER to home, the job could be awesome & interesting, there's a ton to do in the city & it's where He is so we might actually be able to give it a shot like normal people. There's going to be some changes & some attitude adjustments between now & then though. I will not tolerate stupidity & someone fucking with my future (again).
There's entirely too much to be done in the next 3 weeks for me to fathom. Resignations, realtors, rents, rental trucks, boxes, beds, furniture.....I can't even imagine doing it alone...but that's the hand I've been dealt (again). I'm going to lift my head, plow through & show the world it can be done (again). I'm already tired. At least this time I feel like I'm in charge of at least part of it...even if I'm not really sure what part yet.
August 29, 2011
I so don't want to look like a fool. I've got to ask God for help. I just want to be happy. I want to be loved, feel secure & valued, be the one that someone wants to come home to. I want to be the one you talk to because you want to, not because you have to.
I have to find a way to let go of a lot of this anger & suspicion. The guilt that come with it is as agonizing as the complete lack of trust in the first place.
Damnit, I just want this stupid limbo over with. I want to either be headed in one damn direction or the other, to be together or not, to know what's going to happen or to just get on with it already.
I miss feeling like I'm in charge of any damn thing. And I'm sick to death of feeling bad about how I feel.
It's just a freaking joke & it's stupid. I can do anything I want. I wish I just had the motivation to do something.
I have to find a way to let go of a lot of this anger & suspicion. The guilt that come with it is as agonizing as the complete lack of trust in the first place.
Damnit, I just want this stupid limbo over with. I want to either be headed in one damn direction or the other, to be together or not, to know what's going to happen or to just get on with it already.
I miss feeling like I'm in charge of any damn thing. And I'm sick to death of feeling bad about how I feel.
It's just a freaking joke & it's stupid. I can do anything I want. I wish I just had the motivation to do something.
July 12, 2011
A rant...of toned-down proportion
I'm still so lost. I'm so sick of whining about it though that I think I've just annoyed everyone to the point that even I'm sick of hearing myself. I'm fairly reclusive, bordering out to where I think I talk to myself too much (& yes, answer...don't judge). I'm sick of bitching my way through the days & through the relationships. But I've got the wheels in motion. I spend most every night glued to this computer checking endlessly for jobs in/around Nashville that I think I could be decent at. I'm no longer as positively certain that I'm headed to where I should be, but by God I know I'm not staying where I'm at. The good news about life is that nothing has to be permanent unless you want it to be. It's never too late to say, "no, not for me." All I really know is that I'm not happy where I'm at. I think I maybe could have been had things turned out differently & he not come back - had I put effort into branching out here & meeting people & networking & discovering. But I didn't...and I'm miserable...and I want to be close to my family & my love.
And I'm so unbelievably in love with him still. Thinking about the future makes me so nervous I can't sit still. I want so bad to have the adorable family & the cute house, can so easily picture coming home from work, cooking or heading out for a bike ride or a run, maybe heading out for a boat ride or just watching tv. I can imagine picking kids up from school or practice, heading to games (what kind I'm not sure yet...but something, that's for sure) & having family dinners. Arguing over homework or chores...dogs causing chaos & always with something else to clean. When his arms are around me I can relax more than I have in months, I feel so safe & so loved. When he looks at me & I know what he's thinking....and I know it's not appropriate..it's even better. I'm the only one in the world & it's all about me. I've never felt so wonderful & so comfortable, I've never been loved so completely. So I'm so desperate to get on with it already...to get things packed, to get the dogs settled, to get the house clean & listed, to get a new job....to sleep at night next to the man I love & actaully plan a future. I can't even describe how much I want that....I'm torturing myself over it - it's all I can think about & I'm trying desperately to keep things rolling aronud here while I still have to but I'm struggling...I tend to pick fights to get attention & cause a reaction..to know he's engaged in the relationship. Yeah, not fair...I know. I can usually recognize it at the time but I can't stop it. I feel awful immediately & typically rush to apologize but I've done so much damage. I can't imagine if he leaves me, I can't imagine who I would be if I have to recreate my life again, to try to rebuild my heart. I can't imagine how I can get through this time where everything in hanging in limbo, but I have no choice. I have to beleive in the things I described above, to lean towards those & work towards those.
I have to believe that I will be healthy again & that we will be able to sell this house & I will find a job soon & that the cleaning of this place won't be quite as massive as my nightmares think it will be...In reality it shouldn't be bad. Hell, there's still stuff in boxes so it's not like there's too much to do. Cleaning the floors, painting a windowsill & a bathroom ceiling, vacuuming & scrubbing the kitchen, scrubbing the bathroom (again)...trimming a bush or two, schlepping out the personal stuff, arranging someone to check on it & maybe dart a mower over it once in awhile, make sure nothing goes awry. I just want someplace to go.
This move has felt like a mistake from shortly after the moment I said I'd do it. I'm not sure how many omens I could've paid attention to, or if I could've paid attention to any. I just know it's not "home" and I"m looking forward to the next chapter....I pray nightly that God keeps us strong & keeps things progressing so that we get through this. We're so very, very close.
And I'm so unbelievably in love with him still. Thinking about the future makes me so nervous I can't sit still. I want so bad to have the adorable family & the cute house, can so easily picture coming home from work, cooking or heading out for a bike ride or a run, maybe heading out for a boat ride or just watching tv. I can imagine picking kids up from school or practice, heading to games (what kind I'm not sure yet...but something, that's for sure) & having family dinners. Arguing over homework or chores...dogs causing chaos & always with something else to clean. When his arms are around me I can relax more than I have in months, I feel so safe & so loved. When he looks at me & I know what he's thinking....and I know it's not appropriate..it's even better. I'm the only one in the world & it's all about me. I've never felt so wonderful & so comfortable, I've never been loved so completely. So I'm so desperate to get on with it already...to get things packed, to get the dogs settled, to get the house clean & listed, to get a new job....to sleep at night next to the man I love & actaully plan a future. I can't even describe how much I want that....I'm torturing myself over it - it's all I can think about & I'm trying desperately to keep things rolling aronud here while I still have to but I'm struggling...I tend to pick fights to get attention & cause a reaction..to know he's engaged in the relationship. Yeah, not fair...I know. I can usually recognize it at the time but I can't stop it. I feel awful immediately & typically rush to apologize but I've done so much damage. I can't imagine if he leaves me, I can't imagine who I would be if I have to recreate my life again, to try to rebuild my heart. I can't imagine how I can get through this time where everything in hanging in limbo, but I have no choice. I have to beleive in the things I described above, to lean towards those & work towards those.
I have to believe that I will be healthy again & that we will be able to sell this house & I will find a job soon & that the cleaning of this place won't be quite as massive as my nightmares think it will be...In reality it shouldn't be bad. Hell, there's still stuff in boxes so it's not like there's too much to do. Cleaning the floors, painting a windowsill & a bathroom ceiling, vacuuming & scrubbing the kitchen, scrubbing the bathroom (again)...trimming a bush or two, schlepping out the personal stuff, arranging someone to check on it & maybe dart a mower over it once in awhile, make sure nothing goes awry. I just want someplace to go.
This move has felt like a mistake from shortly after the moment I said I'd do it. I'm not sure how many omens I could've paid attention to, or if I could've paid attention to any. I just know it's not "home" and I"m looking forward to the next chapter....I pray nightly that God keeps us strong & keeps things progressing so that we get through this. We're so very, very close.
June 17, 2011
iPhone Fotos...a recent edition
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| Cleveland Daylily |
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| Cast of "Hot in Cleveland" makes an appearance at Tower City (my office building/mall). Betty White in the house!!! |
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| It's a weeping cherry tree that's slightly out of control... |
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| The definition of lazy weekend days & hot summer nights. Apparently we sleep as a "family" |
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| Kayaking on Wolf Creek, Alabama. Relaxation defined. Oh, and alligator gars. |
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| Panama City Beach - Memorial Day Weekend with family. Was a very happy weekend. |
June 16, 2011
My Action Plan....
Be concerned only with what you can control. Be true to yourself & don’t waste time on the drivel. Love honestly & completely. Dwell in Faith & virtue, both in yourself & others. Respect what is given & don’t covet what is not. Do only what you can do to the best of your ability & strive for contentedness.
June 11, 2011
Sick
I'm so damn sick of fighting my way uphill, of wanting something so bad & feeling so very alone. I feel like I'm the only one working towards it. I feel like I'm over-sensitive about everydamnthing else, from wanting to check emails to text messages to facebook every damn 5 minutes, to being CONVINCED that it's the same old shit, every single time - that's I'm just making up the happiness that I think is there or the future that I think is there. I'm searching constantly for opportunities, for light, for reasons & my chance to make a break but hell, I feel like I'm the only one. I haven't been asked about how I feel or what I want or my job or what things arelike here in so damn long, it's like I don't exist. I understand now the misery that I was putting him through when I was being negative & miserable & even though I wasn't quite taking it out on him it wasn't exactly helping things when you've got nothing positive to say or don't really feel like doing anything but whining and crying. I know how helpless & frustrating being on the receiving end of that is now and it sucks! I can't do anything about it so I just want to scream get over it & quit taking it out on me. I know that's not what's being intentionally done...I really do...but that doesn't stop it from being frustrating or hurting or making me question EVERYTHING...JUST when I want to be packing up boxes & I'd REALLY like to stop thinking about weddings & babies & new jobs & moving. Hell, I just want to fix this & make it go away - I'd LOVE to rewind the clock 12 months, to tell someone to get a move on the recruiting, that my ass is needed at home & to LAUGH when everyone else starts talking about transferring. Grass is greener. Hell, people are nicer, air conditioning works better, workouts are productive, life is healthier, food tastes better, life is better.....
damn it all. I'm just so frustrated I can barely speak or function. From the top of the world to the bottom of the heap. Thinking of finding a doctor to up a dosage or talk things through about how to rebuild trust & how to get through this mound of shit without pulling my hair out. One day....one day I will look at this time period in my life & I will realize how strong I (we) are & that if we can do this - regardless of the outcome - we can do anything. Right now? I'm just sick of being alone & fighting (with myself, the world, the dogs....whatever).
damn it all. I'm just so frustrated I can barely speak or function. From the top of the world to the bottom of the heap. Thinking of finding a doctor to up a dosage or talk things through about how to rebuild trust & how to get through this mound of shit without pulling my hair out. One day....one day I will look at this time period in my life & I will realize how strong I (we) are & that if we can do this - regardless of the outcome - we can do anything. Right now? I'm just sick of being alone & fighting (with myself, the world, the dogs....whatever).
May 24, 2011
In a better direction.....
It's not all roses. There are stumbling blocks & challenges & things that just keep getting in the way. When I'm feeling great about life & the way things are going & how we're making it all work I've just run into another brick wall. My faith is shattered when I never, ever thought it would be. I'm trying hard to make it go away, to just continue thinking positive & just keep plowing towards the future. It's tough & it's going to take awhile. Sometimes I'm able to forget & other times I can't think of anything else. It's driving me crazy & I can't understand how someone could do that. However, there was a time when I did the exact same thing out of selfishness, youth & stupidity. Thank goodness for maturity....except when you have to deal with someone else's lack of it. I can't explain it & I don't understand how it could happen, but I'm trying. I'm trying very hard. I hope it's put the fear of God into this relationship & I hope there's no doubt that I will not stand for being treated poorly. I don't want to leave & it would cut my world into pieces (again) but I know that I deserve to be loved & cherished & that there's one thing in the world that I don't have to share.
So damnit. Damnit all. I will not lose what I have fought so damn hard for & what I've given up so much for.
There are BIG, big changes on the horizon that are being worked on & obsessed over. In the next couple of weeks we'll see either steps towards the future or away from it. I know what I want to happen & what I'm working on. It's up to others (& a little bit of luck) to make that happen & to endure the circumstances as they are to make it all stronger & happier in the end. If it doesn't work out, I was right the first time. If it does, then I will be much closer to everything I've ever dreamt of. I'm so very scared to be as hopeful as I am. Stay tuned.
So damnit. Damnit all. I will not lose what I have fought so damn hard for & what I've given up so much for.
There are BIG, big changes on the horizon that are being worked on & obsessed over. In the next couple of weeks we'll see either steps towards the future or away from it. I know what I want to happen & what I'm working on. It's up to others (& a little bit of luck) to make that happen & to endure the circumstances as they are to make it all stronger & happier in the end. If it doesn't work out, I was right the first time. If it does, then I will be much closer to everything I've ever dreamt of. I'm so very scared to be as hopeful as I am. Stay tuned.
May 4, 2011
Fone Fotos - 5.4.11
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| Really? I mean, come on. I HAD to buy the SUV. |
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| Shin Soo Choo (or something like that) with a HomeRun against the Royals in the rain. 4/28/11. Thanks Anthem. |
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| I miss being this person. These are most of my finishing medals (there's a couple that are placement awards...but not many) from racing & running since 2003. |
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| This is my hell. |
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| Who knew that these evil things still existed?!? Too bad you have to eat ten to feel like you've accomplished anything. |
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| Panoramic view of the cute front yard. It's a little skewed, but the app is entirely too much fun. |
| Grill. Yay. |
April 27, 2011
Nike Women's Marathon - 10/16/11
Funny how you don't realize you need something until it shows up, eh? I just got notification (literally, about 20min ago) that my group was selected in the random drawing to be part of the 2011 Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco on Oct. 16, 2011. This is super exciting for a couple of reasons....1) they received over 20,000 entries for the drawing (counting each group as 1 entry) & only have about 12,000 slots, 2) none of us have run it before, 3) I'm not sure any of us have actually been running lately. Guess we should start?!
I got the email & just squealed like a girl. I'm so excited. This means so much more than a long weekend with a few girlfriends (& potentially one amazing boyfriend) to me. It's a chance to reclaim who I am. I know that sounds so much more philosophical & "bigger" than it should - it's just a run, right? But as I sit here, having WANTED to go run for the past three days & having either slept too late to do so or stayed at work too late to do so, it's clear to me that I need an honest-to-goodness catalyst, something to work towards to get my ass in gear. I'm clearly finding reasons/ways to avoid it myself. I want so badly to be in shape, to be able to pick up & go run a few miles with absolutely no problem, to swim a few miles at the drop of a hat or to think that 30mi is a short bike ride. The reality of my life right now is that none of those things even seems achievable. It's my own fault, I know this. I've allowed my balance to get entirely out of whack, my mentality to go totally to hell & to just let myself fall away from the things I've held dear. I look at the finishers medals & awards every time I leave my bedroom & they mean so very little to me right now. Looking at them makes me cringe because I'm so far from that person right now. And it's my own fault....even though I can throw a lot of blame around, I'm the one sitting on the couch, working too late, staring at the blackberry.....I'm the one that's CHOSEN to let it happen.
Guess if I want to haul my butt up & down the hills of San Fran on Oct. 16th & do more than whine that has to change, right? It's a good day. The day I got a reason to flip the bird to my job, my depression, my anxiety, my poor habits & poor excuses. Today I get to say I have a damn good reason to reclaim my mental acuity. I didn't realize how badly I needed an external motivator this time. But as I sit at this desk feeling so excited I could cry it's clear to me that it was very, very necessary this time. That makes me uncomfortable as someone who's always been self-motivated but whatever. There are a lot of things right now that aren't my "norm"....evolution of a person & all that crap I suppose.
But I've got a vacation to plan, a training plan to work out, logistics (& this thing will involve some logistics - runners from 3 different states) & fun to take a look at. And who knows what airport I'll be flying out of to get to this thing at that point..if all goes well it won't be CLE...(isn't THAT crazy to think about?!) Oh, today is a good day indeed.
I got the email & just squealed like a girl. I'm so excited. This means so much more than a long weekend with a few girlfriends (& potentially one amazing boyfriend) to me. It's a chance to reclaim who I am. I know that sounds so much more philosophical & "bigger" than it should - it's just a run, right? But as I sit here, having WANTED to go run for the past three days & having either slept too late to do so or stayed at work too late to do so, it's clear to me that I need an honest-to-goodness catalyst, something to work towards to get my ass in gear. I'm clearly finding reasons/ways to avoid it myself. I want so badly to be in shape, to be able to pick up & go run a few miles with absolutely no problem, to swim a few miles at the drop of a hat or to think that 30mi is a short bike ride. The reality of my life right now is that none of those things even seems achievable. It's my own fault, I know this. I've allowed my balance to get entirely out of whack, my mentality to go totally to hell & to just let myself fall away from the things I've held dear. I look at the finishers medals & awards every time I leave my bedroom & they mean so very little to me right now. Looking at them makes me cringe because I'm so far from that person right now. And it's my own fault....even though I can throw a lot of blame around, I'm the one sitting on the couch, working too late, staring at the blackberry.....I'm the one that's CHOSEN to let it happen.Guess if I want to haul my butt up & down the hills of San Fran on Oct. 16th & do more than whine that has to change, right? It's a good day. The day I got a reason to flip the bird to my job, my depression, my anxiety, my poor habits & poor excuses. Today I get to say I have a damn good reason to reclaim my mental acuity. I didn't realize how badly I needed an external motivator this time. But as I sit at this desk feeling so excited I could cry it's clear to me that it was very, very necessary this time. That makes me uncomfortable as someone who's always been self-motivated but whatever. There are a lot of things right now that aren't my "norm"....evolution of a person & all that crap I suppose.
But I've got a vacation to plan, a training plan to work out, logistics (& this thing will involve some logistics - runners from 3 different states) & fun to take a look at. And who knows what airport I'll be flying out of to get to this thing at that point..if all goes well it won't be CLE...(isn't THAT crazy to think about?!) Oh, today is a good day indeed.
April 26, 2011
So ends that experiment....
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| Spring Purple Hyacinth - 4.26.11 |
So after about a month of rollercoasters, mostly clear-headed thinking I'm now on Day 2 taking the meds again. Seemed like a good idea at the time....but even though I muddled through the ugly parts at the beginning, when they didn't exactly clear up & I was still causing problems with myself & crying more than necessary I just realized that now isn't the right time to try to "go it alone"....with everything up in the air, things not exactly sunshine & roses either in the relationship OR at work....it was just a bit more of a battle that was unnecessary. So here's hoping I can keep my head on straight & keep to the routine for awhile. If it just smoothes out the edges a bit & takes away some of the insecurity I'll feel much better.
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| CLE Happy (slightly sodden) Daffodil hiding from the rain - 4.26.11 |
Maybe it was just too many things at once? Maybe it just needs to stop raining in Cleveland? Maybe I need a vacation to spend some actual time with people who love me & don't just work with me. Maybe I need to figure out how to leave work prior to 7p so I can actually fathom being active when I get home? There's a lot of things that COULD happen & that NEED to happen....hopefully I can just keep wading through until I get to the other end for right now. (Note: not my ideal approach. I'm a firm believer in enjoying the journey for what it is. I'm not really accomplishing that right now, I've recognized it & am ready to flip the bird to anyone with an issue. Decisions have been made, it's just a little bit of time before I can put things in motion....)
I so look forward to not feeling sad & lonely any more. I look forward to putting more effort into feeling good at the end of the day, for me & for everyone else that has to deal with me. I'm excited about trying to put the rest of the world away for those 3 days we get to be together at a time. I look forward to really starting to put effort into clawing my life back into perspective. Mostly, I just look forward to the day when I can come home & go for a run together or prove to him that I'll be a good wife & mother, to remind him why I'm bad at cutting grass but good at growing flowers, to prove that I'm good (even if not the most efficient) at laundry & dishes & cooking, to playing with the dogs in the backyard. Basically, I look forward to the future when decisions are a team effort & neither of us is left alone at the end of the night. I'm praying it all falls into place & that happens in smooth manner & we're as happy as we think we'll be.
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| There are Azaleas in that yard! Who knew?! These things are going crazy with blooms |
Still not training, was going to try to go home & run tonight. Have had a headache creep in (about the third in a week's time)..possibly due to lack of water or too much sugar (coffee & a root beer w/lunch)? Need to eat dinner pronto & go from there. Maybe if everything hits right I can go to bed early, get up early & trot around the neighborhood? (The peanut gallery should stop laughing....)
April 15, 2011
Fone Fotos
Just for something light-hearted, I'm stealing this from my cousin. Posting some photos recently taken from my phone...
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| You know it's getting warmer when the weather gets just warm enough to fire up a grill & drink a beer....even if it was practically snowing the next day... |
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| A little home repair as needed....teamwork. Thanks for coming to visit NB! Plumbers...who needs plumbers?! |
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| This is a fraidy-pup. One hint of lightning & thunder & I apparently needed a lap dog. I wasn't given a choice. Staring outside with trepidation...knowing we haven't gone out for last call.... |
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| Some of my pictures on the office wall. About once a day I get a few "visitors" just to sit down, look at the wall & stare for a moment. It has a claming affect. |
April 12, 2011
One step at a time?
The titles have a theme. The posts have a theme. The life has a theme. Given that they're coming about once a month, it's fairly easy to see that nothing is really changing. Still sititng here at the desk, in cleveland, feeling like I'm waiting for life to begin. I have had a bit of a revelation in that I've been able to articulate at least that much. So what if the epiphany came at some point in the middle of the night while watching C sleep (other words: boring holes into his head with my eyes angry as hell that he could sleep so well & I lay there...awake....again) on the amazingly brief 4-day visit I had late in March. I dread being alone, I'm no longer very good at it.
I used to be...I lived alone from just after graduation in 2003 until I told CAP to move in because it was stupid that he pay as much rent as he did. I think that was sometime in mid- or late-2007. There was a brief roommate stint in 2006 but it wasn't really that much & G didn't spend much time at the condo anyway. There were some good times in there, coming & going, confident, comfortable. First dog in late 2003 (Lilo), Monty in fall of 2004 (Old Man), Vivi joined the crew in March of 2007...it's not like I've been really alone. But I've always been comfortable in my own skin. Enough boyfriends to keep life interesting but not oppressing.
Then HE moved in. Valentine's Day 2010. A brief 6-mo interlude before the world fell apart, during which my world literally kinda fell apart & reshaped itself, much of which is visible through the blog postings of last year. I went from being a fairly solid athlete - steady, if not unbelievable workouts, reasonable health, out & about socially - to a virtual unknown in my own life. Not present, certainly not working out (too often sitting at this very desk in this very office), not enjoying much except the brief snippets when I wasn't letting my job & my career rule my life. I kind of think, though, that I needed that 6mo to start opening my eyes as to what might be "missing".
Insert horror here! Me - the fiercely independent person, almost afraid to think about marriage & to have children, too intent on living my life socially & athletically, selfish with my time & my energy & certainly my responsibility. It didn't hurt having a longtime boyfriend almost pathologically afraid of committment & affection (that would have meant growing up, Peter Pan), but I even managed to convince myself that I was good without those things, that I LIKED having a relationship where I got to live my own life. And I DID! I really did enjoy it at that time, for the most part! But me? Me? This career-driven person, hell bent on success my way or the highway? Suddenly I feel like I'm missing something when someone decides to rip my heart out because they're unhappy & can't stand the thought of being with me any longer & so decide to move out?? Whoa.
I soldiered on, I was tough. I honored my obligations & transferred to this town. I figured I'd start fresh, make new friends, do it on my own. The trouble with that is....I don't know anyone & I have PLENTY of friends back where I did live & I had PLENTY of a life back there, too. I find myself HORRIBLY missing waking up early to go for long runs on weekend mornings or finding reasons to complain about someone else's dishes in the sink. I miss awfully the way I had to bust my ass to get out of work (didn't matter what time, I was always RUSHING to get out) to get to some workout or practice. I'm carrying a fair amount of bitterness at everything that I gave up because "we" made a decision to do something & suddenly there wasn't a "we" anymore. So I've honored my commitment & done what I said I would do. I jumped in with both feet & have tried to make the best of it. Here I am....problem is, I hate it.
I was SOOOO close to the happiness I didn't know I was missing before I found it. Having someone to cook dinner with? Wow! Having someone to glare at in the middle of the night when they snored & I couldn't sleep? Hell yeah. Having someone esle to help fold laundry, do yard work, feed the dogs, do dishes, watch tv with, hold me when I got home & just in general rely on & talk to? Who knew it could be that great?! Let's not even get into the dreaming about things to do in the future together. That's an entirely separate chapter on the things that were so amazing that I didn't know about.
In all honesty, I know I've not given it enough effort. I know I'm not being the outgoing, personable, social self I used to be. I'm not busting my hump to get out into new workout groups (or to workout, for that matter) - to find new people to run or bike with, to attend every tri event I can find, to find social groups to hang out with or people to identify with. Hell, the few times I HAVE gone out have wound up in drunken messes with too many things broken. I'm not proud at all of who I've become since moving here. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I'm wallowing, I'm fat & lazy & I'm allowing myself to become more & more of all of those things because I'm not forcing myself to do what I did so long ago & Just. Keep. Going. I don't have any desire to "fake it 'til I make it" this time. Before, when I employed this strategy, by golly it worked! I pushed myself into the tri club & made a ton of friends & got entrenched in the area. I guess I just don't have the energy to go through it again. Because I miss what I know is at the end of this chapter...I miss what's not here.
He may have left, but he didn't go anywhere. I said, "you make sure this is the right decision because I'm going to make it very, very hard to come back" & I did! I avoided the phone calls, send short text messages, built my walls up nice & high so that no one, NO ONE, knew that I was falling apart inside. I tried to plow forward but he would'nt leave me alone. I worked long hours, avoided spending much time at the house, slept a lot & in general just went through the motions.
Then I inadvertently got drunk. I don't think I planned it, but I did a REALLY good job of getting drunk. And I had a complete & total breakdown, with C on the phone. I put him through hell, crying, cussing, blaming...just pretty much being broken-hearted & angry. But he never hung up. And he called the next day! (Wow, I'm stillnot sure I could've called the next day.) I had already let him wear me down enough to convince me to come visit. Now, confession, there was an ulterior motive on my part....knowing that I was soon going to be driving "home" (to Alabama, which will always be home) & that it was going to be a looooong trip that needed a break in the middle. That would've been right around Nashville. Whodathunkit?! So a good idea was to allow myself to be flown down there for a weekend, to visit & say hi, maybe get laid (sry for the overt honesty), have a laid-back time visiting & set up the opportunity to have a stopover on the way south/north. So this drunken escapade happened a couple of weeks before I was supposed to go visit. GREAT timing, plane ticket already bought...no way to back out after you make a total ass of yourself. WAYTOGOWARE.
But he stood right there through AND CALLED ME BACK TO MAKE SURE I WAS ALIVE! (I've since learned he spent a good part of the conversation with the phone on the coffee table while I ranted & raved, listening for big, alarming sounds & ignoring the rest....I'm ok with it.) I had to give dude credit for sticking through that & still caring...at all. SO I went & visited & it was like putting on the most comfortable, reliable, warmest, sweetest pair of sweats you've EVER had. I was a train wreck before I got there...I mean, come on. No one thought it was a good idea. Funny thing is, when I got back on that plane to come up here (after having a wonderful weekend, of course) I apparently left my heart there. Maybe I never really got it back, I just surrounded myself with so many thorns that I didn't know that? Maybe I packed it in with the cards I had bought & the letter I had written that never got opened. Doesn't really matter.
Enter: routine. We settle back into the phone calls, the visits as often as possible, the long-distance thing chugging along, as painful as it is. There's a bone-deep knowledge that it's supposed to happen, we just have to wait it out & see what happens.
I have a small, scared little munchkin living in the deepest recesses of my brain that rears it's little head every now & then: fear. I get so damned insecure that I don't know which way is up. I'm convinced that it's a lie, that I'm going to get hurt & as soon as it gets tough again he'll leave & I'LL BE DAMNED if I'm going to hurt like this AGAIN. Ok, so it's a fairly constant companion & when we get together we get REALLY ugly & can create some REALLY impressive scenarios. I'm still convinced that bitch-face is out to steal him, that the shampoo really DID belong to someone else & that it's all a heartbeat away from crashing down around my feet...again. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up the pieces again if it hurts worse than it did last time. I've been through this getting hurt twice thing before. It doesn't get easier. And I've let my guard down AGAIN? I've looked at wedding rings & wedding dresses & allowed myself to dream up attendants & guest lists & menus & locations AGAIN?? (What am I, an idiot? Not really, just a girl with the same dreams that almost every little girl has at some point - even the ones that pulled worms apart when fishing with dad) But I've done gone & went a step further (yay, grammar)....I've thought about children & t-ball games & soccer practice & Christmas with grandparents & vacations to Disney (not until they're old enough to "get it") & running as a family & still taking date nights & having fun play groups & family weekends & cousins....yeah, the whole damn shebang. So you see? See where it got sticky?
I had a dream after a fight (same little recent visit...it was pretty ugly mentally the entire time...when the insecurity demon got particularly gnarly) that I was living in an adorable house with a just-so yard & I was pregnant (I KNOW!!!)....the kicker was, I was so damn happy that I was farting glitter! (Icky, but effective, yes?!) From cooking dinner, to watching tv to buying baby stuff.....it was so comforting & encouraging & so happy. As you can imagine, I woke up in an ABSOLUTE PANIC. Wha? Whowasdat? Seriously? me? Bah? Holycrap....Then it dawned on me how wonderful that felt...that whole dream. Yeah, then I passed back out. Shortly thereafter I started to dread the trip home - coming back to the godforsakeneffingcold that is Cleveland & the horribly long hours at work (simply to avoid going home...notetoself: not fair to dogs) & the emptiness & loneliness & the hatred of my life here & my lack of effort to change it, make it better & engage. I lay awake the next night (my last night, waiting for the 4a alarm) &, as earlier mentioned, simply bored holes into his head with anger & frustration.
I laid there & realized that I'm waiting on my life to begin. I'm enduring this chapter - allowing it to live me - instead of the other way around. I realized I don't owe anything to anyone & I'm not sure I ever did outside of my own brain.
Corporate America doesn't provide for & care for & nurture its citizens like it used to. It really is "eat or be eaten" in the job world today. So my company gave me a little dough to move....I had more than proven my capability & worked my tail off BEFORE that came across the table! I said I'd stay a year or pay the money back. My 401 may be doing great right now but that doesn't mean it's guaranteed or that it can't be doing that elsewhere. I'm 3.5 years into my life at this company. I heard people today in a meeting discussing their 20th & 25th years with this company - through its many iterations - & all I could come up with is "Jeez, you've never known anything else," and "so if you're not putting in major time here you aren't going anywhere." It made me sad for about a minute. If I stay another year & a half I'm fully vested in the 401(k). Is it worth staying on hold for that long & allowing myself to remain unhappy? (Shoot, by that time I won't fit into ANY clothes except tents.) Right now I can DEFINITELY say hell no, with gusto.
I've long been the one that says if you're unhappy & you're staying that way it's your own fault. I've given my parents permission to leave their marriage (thank god they're smarter than I am & haven't listened), I've told friends to leave theirs, I've told people that if they worked at a company another month then they're crazy....no one in this world is going to take the steps to make our changes & do what it takes to be happy but us. So WHY am I still doing this? Why am I still here, pouting (in essence that's really what I'm doing), crying when the computers won't cooperate & any (ANY) sentimental song comes on the radio, thinking about how quickly I can bolt, not forcing myself to be active & get engaged with the athletic community & just ho-humming through the motions of life? Why am I allowing myself to stay stagnant? I don't really know the answer but I think it's because I know the answer isn't here, in this city.
I'm still frustrated as hell that we're in this position. Had we just communicated a little better or taken the time to talk & not gotten so caught up in our own, separate situations & discussed OUR situation we might not be here. We could've taken one hour to discuss that CLE might not be where we could be happy, it would have to be closer to "home" for both of us. We should've talked about wanting to head that way anyway - when the time was right - for kids & comfort & really to make a long-lasting home.
But we didn't. And here we are.
I know that things happen for a reason & I know our reason is so that we're where we are now. I never really got my heart back & I'm ok with that. I had to realize that I've done a good thing in the first years of my career, I've worked very hard to establish myself, my reputation, my skills & my "marketability" in order to make the moves I've made (& will make). I've achieved a good, solid level where I'm at a nice place to be able to maintain my career through clawing my way back to a work/life balance & taking the time to have a family & be able to really be present through that. I've driven pretty hard for the first 7 years of "real life" in the working world & I'm damn proud of it. But it's not complete, I'm not complete. And it took absolutely ripping my heart out & squashing who I think I am to realize that. And I'm so happy that I have. The situation is damn frustrating, but it's just a situation. Sheesh, if we can get through what we've already been through to where we are - able to talk to each other about feelings & thoughts, concerns & questions, able to have discussions about long-term futures & where/who/how we want to be as adults together....the rest should be at least navigable. Sure there's confusion & the blank stare of "Is this right?" from time-to-time... there absolutely should be! How do you know what you've got if you don't occasionaly ask yourself? Anyway....it's just a matter of getting through it.
Sure, I'm still insecure & scared as hell. I still don't know if stopping the medication is what I should've done right now. Hell, I'm fairly sure he has question marks dance through his head on a daily basis....but I may be making that up (damn gremlin). I've finally gotten comfortable with the situation. I've formed my little plan that says I'm just going to stick it out so that I don't have to pay back the money & then scram. I'll find a job - maybe it doesn't have to be the same caliber, maybe it's totally different...who knows? I'll pack everything up...AGAIN....& maybe we can finally work on that next chapter & that happiness thing. That being together thing & seeing where life goes. There are some big decisions that we'll have to make but hell, almost everything is easier when it's a team effort, yes? (Any of you that disagree, let me live my fairytale you pessimists, leave me & my glitter-farts alone.) It's a holding pattern, that doesn't mean I can't try to enjoy the here & now, but maybe it doesn't mean I have to. It means I'm going to try to take each moment for what it is & live in it. I don't have to love it or be happy or pretend like CLE is everything I've dreamed of. The weather's kinda crap, the city is kind of old & not really pretty in a lot of ways, I can hear my neighbors shower & am pretty sure they hear every time I cuss at a dog. My doors don't like to close, the toilet just started leaking & there's only one shower! But it's where I am & occasionally where he is & that's enough. The pay is decent, the coworkers are good & it'll work...for now.
If I had all the answers it would be a boring journey. I may not know the path and though I have a good idea of the final destination (but I'm ok in not getting there for a looooooong time), I'm certainly looking forward to the next stop.
I used to be...I lived alone from just after graduation in 2003 until I told CAP to move in because it was stupid that he pay as much rent as he did. I think that was sometime in mid- or late-2007. There was a brief roommate stint in 2006 but it wasn't really that much & G didn't spend much time at the condo anyway. There were some good times in there, coming & going, confident, comfortable. First dog in late 2003 (Lilo), Monty in fall of 2004 (Old Man), Vivi joined the crew in March of 2007...it's not like I've been really alone. But I've always been comfortable in my own skin. Enough boyfriends to keep life interesting but not oppressing.
Then HE moved in. Valentine's Day 2010. A brief 6-mo interlude before the world fell apart, during which my world literally kinda fell apart & reshaped itself, much of which is visible through the blog postings of last year. I went from being a fairly solid athlete - steady, if not unbelievable workouts, reasonable health, out & about socially - to a virtual unknown in my own life. Not present, certainly not working out (too often sitting at this very desk in this very office), not enjoying much except the brief snippets when I wasn't letting my job & my career rule my life. I kind of think, though, that I needed that 6mo to start opening my eyes as to what might be "missing".
Insert horror here! Me - the fiercely independent person, almost afraid to think about marriage & to have children, too intent on living my life socially & athletically, selfish with my time & my energy & certainly my responsibility. It didn't hurt having a longtime boyfriend almost pathologically afraid of committment & affection (that would have meant growing up, Peter Pan), but I even managed to convince myself that I was good without those things, that I LIKED having a relationship where I got to live my own life. And I DID! I really did enjoy it at that time, for the most part! But me? Me? This career-driven person, hell bent on success my way or the highway? Suddenly I feel like I'm missing something when someone decides to rip my heart out because they're unhappy & can't stand the thought of being with me any longer & so decide to move out?? Whoa.
I soldiered on, I was tough. I honored my obligations & transferred to this town. I figured I'd start fresh, make new friends, do it on my own. The trouble with that is....I don't know anyone & I have PLENTY of friends back where I did live & I had PLENTY of a life back there, too. I find myself HORRIBLY missing waking up early to go for long runs on weekend mornings or finding reasons to complain about someone else's dishes in the sink. I miss awfully the way I had to bust my ass to get out of work (didn't matter what time, I was always RUSHING to get out) to get to some workout or practice. I'm carrying a fair amount of bitterness at everything that I gave up because "we" made a decision to do something & suddenly there wasn't a "we" anymore. So I've honored my commitment & done what I said I would do. I jumped in with both feet & have tried to make the best of it. Here I am....problem is, I hate it.
I was SOOOO close to the happiness I didn't know I was missing before I found it. Having someone to cook dinner with? Wow! Having someone to glare at in the middle of the night when they snored & I couldn't sleep? Hell yeah. Having someone esle to help fold laundry, do yard work, feed the dogs, do dishes, watch tv with, hold me when I got home & just in general rely on & talk to? Who knew it could be that great?! Let's not even get into the dreaming about things to do in the future together. That's an entirely separate chapter on the things that were so amazing that I didn't know about.
In all honesty, I know I've not given it enough effort. I know I'm not being the outgoing, personable, social self I used to be. I'm not busting my hump to get out into new workout groups (or to workout, for that matter) - to find new people to run or bike with, to attend every tri event I can find, to find social groups to hang out with or people to identify with. Hell, the few times I HAVE gone out have wound up in drunken messes with too many things broken. I'm not proud at all of who I've become since moving here. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I'm wallowing, I'm fat & lazy & I'm allowing myself to become more & more of all of those things because I'm not forcing myself to do what I did so long ago & Just. Keep. Going. I don't have any desire to "fake it 'til I make it" this time. Before, when I employed this strategy, by golly it worked! I pushed myself into the tri club & made a ton of friends & got entrenched in the area. I guess I just don't have the energy to go through it again. Because I miss what I know is at the end of this chapter...I miss what's not here.
He may have left, but he didn't go anywhere. I said, "you make sure this is the right decision because I'm going to make it very, very hard to come back" & I did! I avoided the phone calls, send short text messages, built my walls up nice & high so that no one, NO ONE, knew that I was falling apart inside. I tried to plow forward but he would'nt leave me alone. I worked long hours, avoided spending much time at the house, slept a lot & in general just went through the motions.
Then I inadvertently got drunk. I don't think I planned it, but I did a REALLY good job of getting drunk. And I had a complete & total breakdown, with C on the phone. I put him through hell, crying, cussing, blaming...just pretty much being broken-hearted & angry. But he never hung up. And he called the next day! (Wow, I'm stillnot sure I could've called the next day.) I had already let him wear me down enough to convince me to come visit. Now, confession, there was an ulterior motive on my part....knowing that I was soon going to be driving "home" (to Alabama, which will always be home) & that it was going to be a looooong trip that needed a break in the middle. That would've been right around Nashville. Whodathunkit?! So a good idea was to allow myself to be flown down there for a weekend, to visit & say hi, maybe get laid (sry for the overt honesty), have a laid-back time visiting & set up the opportunity to have a stopover on the way south/north. So this drunken escapade happened a couple of weeks before I was supposed to go visit. GREAT timing, plane ticket already bought...no way to back out after you make a total ass of yourself. WAYTOGOWARE.
But he stood right there through AND CALLED ME BACK TO MAKE SURE I WAS ALIVE! (I've since learned he spent a good part of the conversation with the phone on the coffee table while I ranted & raved, listening for big, alarming sounds & ignoring the rest....I'm ok with it.) I had to give dude credit for sticking through that & still caring...at all. SO I went & visited & it was like putting on the most comfortable, reliable, warmest, sweetest pair of sweats you've EVER had. I was a train wreck before I got there...I mean, come on. No one thought it was a good idea. Funny thing is, when I got back on that plane to come up here (after having a wonderful weekend, of course) I apparently left my heart there. Maybe I never really got it back, I just surrounded myself with so many thorns that I didn't know that? Maybe I packed it in with the cards I had bought & the letter I had written that never got opened. Doesn't really matter.
Enter: routine. We settle back into the phone calls, the visits as often as possible, the long-distance thing chugging along, as painful as it is. There's a bone-deep knowledge that it's supposed to happen, we just have to wait it out & see what happens.
I have a small, scared little munchkin living in the deepest recesses of my brain that rears it's little head every now & then: fear. I get so damned insecure that I don't know which way is up. I'm convinced that it's a lie, that I'm going to get hurt & as soon as it gets tough again he'll leave & I'LL BE DAMNED if I'm going to hurt like this AGAIN. Ok, so it's a fairly constant companion & when we get together we get REALLY ugly & can create some REALLY impressive scenarios. I'm still convinced that bitch-face is out to steal him, that the shampoo really DID belong to someone else & that it's all a heartbeat away from crashing down around my feet...again. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up the pieces again if it hurts worse than it did last time. I've been through this getting hurt twice thing before. It doesn't get easier. And I've let my guard down AGAIN? I've looked at wedding rings & wedding dresses & allowed myself to dream up attendants & guest lists & menus & locations AGAIN?? (What am I, an idiot? Not really, just a girl with the same dreams that almost every little girl has at some point - even the ones that pulled worms apart when fishing with dad) But I've done gone & went a step further (yay, grammar)....I've thought about children & t-ball games & soccer practice & Christmas with grandparents & vacations to Disney (not until they're old enough to "get it") & running as a family & still taking date nights & having fun play groups & family weekends & cousins....yeah, the whole damn shebang. So you see? See where it got sticky?
I had a dream after a fight (same little recent visit...it was pretty ugly mentally the entire time...when the insecurity demon got particularly gnarly) that I was living in an adorable house with a just-so yard & I was pregnant (I KNOW!!!)....the kicker was, I was so damn happy that I was farting glitter! (Icky, but effective, yes?!) From cooking dinner, to watching tv to buying baby stuff.....it was so comforting & encouraging & so happy. As you can imagine, I woke up in an ABSOLUTE PANIC. Wha? Whowasdat? Seriously? me? Bah? Holycrap....Then it dawned on me how wonderful that felt...that whole dream. Yeah, then I passed back out. Shortly thereafter I started to dread the trip home - coming back to the godforsakeneffingcold that is Cleveland & the horribly long hours at work (simply to avoid going home...notetoself: not fair to dogs) & the emptiness & loneliness & the hatred of my life here & my lack of effort to change it, make it better & engage. I lay awake the next night (my last night, waiting for the 4a alarm) &, as earlier mentioned, simply bored holes into his head with anger & frustration.
I laid there & realized that I'm waiting on my life to begin. I'm enduring this chapter - allowing it to live me - instead of the other way around. I realized I don't owe anything to anyone & I'm not sure I ever did outside of my own brain.
Corporate America doesn't provide for & care for & nurture its citizens like it used to. It really is "eat or be eaten" in the job world today. So my company gave me a little dough to move....I had more than proven my capability & worked my tail off BEFORE that came across the table! I said I'd stay a year or pay the money back. My 401 may be doing great right now but that doesn't mean it's guaranteed or that it can't be doing that elsewhere. I'm 3.5 years into my life at this company. I heard people today in a meeting discussing their 20th & 25th years with this company - through its many iterations - & all I could come up with is "Jeez, you've never known anything else," and "so if you're not putting in major time here you aren't going anywhere." It made me sad for about a minute. If I stay another year & a half I'm fully vested in the 401(k). Is it worth staying on hold for that long & allowing myself to remain unhappy? (Shoot, by that time I won't fit into ANY clothes except tents.) Right now I can DEFINITELY say hell no, with gusto.
I've long been the one that says if you're unhappy & you're staying that way it's your own fault. I've given my parents permission to leave their marriage (thank god they're smarter than I am & haven't listened), I've told friends to leave theirs, I've told people that if they worked at a company another month then they're crazy....no one in this world is going to take the steps to make our changes & do what it takes to be happy but us. So WHY am I still doing this? Why am I still here, pouting (in essence that's really what I'm doing), crying when the computers won't cooperate & any (ANY) sentimental song comes on the radio, thinking about how quickly I can bolt, not forcing myself to be active & get engaged with the athletic community & just ho-humming through the motions of life? Why am I allowing myself to stay stagnant? I don't really know the answer but I think it's because I know the answer isn't here, in this city.
I'm still frustrated as hell that we're in this position. Had we just communicated a little better or taken the time to talk & not gotten so caught up in our own, separate situations & discussed OUR situation we might not be here. We could've taken one hour to discuss that CLE might not be where we could be happy, it would have to be closer to "home" for both of us. We should've talked about wanting to head that way anyway - when the time was right - for kids & comfort & really to make a long-lasting home.
But we didn't. And here we are.
I know that things happen for a reason & I know our reason is so that we're where we are now. I never really got my heart back & I'm ok with that. I had to realize that I've done a good thing in the first years of my career, I've worked very hard to establish myself, my reputation, my skills & my "marketability" in order to make the moves I've made (& will make). I've achieved a good, solid level where I'm at a nice place to be able to maintain my career through clawing my way back to a work/life balance & taking the time to have a family & be able to really be present through that. I've driven pretty hard for the first 7 years of "real life" in the working world & I'm damn proud of it. But it's not complete, I'm not complete. And it took absolutely ripping my heart out & squashing who I think I am to realize that. And I'm so happy that I have. The situation is damn frustrating, but it's just a situation. Sheesh, if we can get through what we've already been through to where we are - able to talk to each other about feelings & thoughts, concerns & questions, able to have discussions about long-term futures & where/who/how we want to be as adults together....the rest should be at least navigable. Sure there's confusion & the blank stare of "Is this right?" from time-to-time... there absolutely should be! How do you know what you've got if you don't occasionaly ask yourself? Anyway....it's just a matter of getting through it.
Sure, I'm still insecure & scared as hell. I still don't know if stopping the medication is what I should've done right now. Hell, I'm fairly sure he has question marks dance through his head on a daily basis....but I may be making that up (damn gremlin). I've finally gotten comfortable with the situation. I've formed my little plan that says I'm just going to stick it out so that I don't have to pay back the money & then scram. I'll find a job - maybe it doesn't have to be the same caliber, maybe it's totally different...who knows? I'll pack everything up...AGAIN....& maybe we can finally work on that next chapter & that happiness thing. That being together thing & seeing where life goes. There are some big decisions that we'll have to make but hell, almost everything is easier when it's a team effort, yes? (Any of you that disagree, let me live my fairytale you pessimists, leave me & my glitter-farts alone.) It's a holding pattern, that doesn't mean I can't try to enjoy the here & now, but maybe it doesn't mean I have to. It means I'm going to try to take each moment for what it is & live in it. I don't have to love it or be happy or pretend like CLE is everything I've dreamed of. The weather's kinda crap, the city is kind of old & not really pretty in a lot of ways, I can hear my neighbors shower & am pretty sure they hear every time I cuss at a dog. My doors don't like to close, the toilet just started leaking & there's only one shower! But it's where I am & occasionally where he is & that's enough. The pay is decent, the coworkers are good & it'll work...for now.
If I had all the answers it would be a boring journey. I may not know the path and though I have a good idea of the final destination (but I'm ok in not getting there for a looooooong time), I'm certainly looking forward to the next stop.
March 4, 2011
Urg.
So what is there to say when you don't really have much to say? Exactly.
I could drone on for paragraphs & hours about the good & the bad, which there is more of & why, what's going on, why I'm still taking medication & debating more, why I've developed a new hate/hate relationship with a snow shovel & why I know more about weather patterns than ever, why I'm not sure I'll ever be an athlete again in anything but my dreams but am oddly not concerned about that and why, in God's Plan & Name, I have no idea why the hell I've wound up in Cleveland or where this journey is supposed to take me....but it's going to make me look extremely depressed & melodramatic & overly hormonal (all or part of whch may be true).
So I'll suffice it to say that I'm marginal in my mentality & optimism. There's a spark, but it's struggling. There's many things that are right & many things that aren't...but I'm soldiering on with my head down trying to do my job & survive. There will be more, eventually.
I could drone on for paragraphs & hours about the good & the bad, which there is more of & why, what's going on, why I'm still taking medication & debating more, why I've developed a new hate/hate relationship with a snow shovel & why I know more about weather patterns than ever, why I'm not sure I'll ever be an athlete again in anything but my dreams but am oddly not concerned about that and why, in God's Plan & Name, I have no idea why the hell I've wound up in Cleveland or where this journey is supposed to take me....but it's going to make me look extremely depressed & melodramatic & overly hormonal (all or part of whch may be true).
So I'll suffice it to say that I'm marginal in my mentality & optimism. There's a spark, but it's struggling. There's many things that are right & many things that aren't...but I'm soldiering on with my head down trying to do my job & survive. There will be more, eventually.
January 5, 2011
Christmas/NewYear
Unlike many others, I didn't take the time to do the big Christmas and/or New Year's posts. I didn't drone on about where 2010 has gone (and how/where it's gone wrong) and what's going to change & what I expect to get out of 2011. I think it's fairly obvious on all accounts. Not to be the Negative Nancy, but 2010 had some real highs & real lows. It was anything but a normal year. I like not making New Year's Resolutions....like KP says - it's "tourist season" at the gym & the herd will thin within a couple/few weeks. I'm about to be one of them, seemingly a tourist at the gym. It's been long enough with enough damn excuses. I've already started in one arena, now it's time to reclaim the rest of my life. I want clothes to fit again, I want to feel healthy, I want to get out of bed in the morning without feeling worthless, I want to make the changes to be who I want to be. And it's about damn time.