Redefining vague-blogging....and not giving a shit.

Sometimes, life gets really interesting - either on our own accord or via things that other people do or decisions that they make. Having one of those such days today myself, I'm a little stuck in exactly how I'm going to proceed about the various paths in front of me and/or what my reactions are going to be in the situations that I've been presented. As usual, there are warring factions in my brain & heart. I'm trying (& possibly failing) to keep my head on straight, to control the emotional reaction, to have empathetic moments & not go batshit crazy. The only things in our lives that we can control are our reactions to whatever is thrown at us.

Questionable reputations, nothing new in my book. If there's a name out there to be called, or an ugly thought to have been had about or look to give to someone - I've been on the receiving end. Sometimes deservedly, sometimes not so. My reactions to these things over time has varied as widely as the audience, instigators & issues at hand have. My initial reaction in my current state is to say "screw you" & keep plowing forward with what I want & how I want it.

Using whatever small kernel of empathy I can drum up at the moment, however, I'm left with a different, altogether more confusing set of paths & a heartfelt understanding. I've seen too many of my friends walk the paths of pain & recovery that come with extrication from unfulfilling marriages. The rediscovery of self, the re-emergence into the meat markets, the pursuit of validation & the inevitable questions of "what's next" are never easy to witness nor without pain to traverse. I don't pretend to know what another's path looks like, nor do I think that each walks the same steps. But I've seen the path in multiple forms & I know the on/off ramps that help rebuild the woman at the end of the journey. As a bystander, you have to just sort of "duck & cover" when it's necessary, be a shoulder when it's requested & just sit quietly when it's not. There are other situations where for some reason or another it's best to just walk backwards very slowly, not make any sudden movements or eye contact & fade into the shadows. Empathy or not, I'm not going to be subjected to & affected by the issues in another's life - I've got more than enough of my own to deal with. I take ownership of my decisions, my discussions, my feelings & my actions.....usually I try to think ahead about the possible outcomes of any situation...sometimes I fail. But I'm not licking cupcakes nor claiming territory, life's too short for me to be sucked into anyone else's drama - remember I have plenty of my own.

On another, only remotely related topic, there have been more than a couple times where I've been let down by someone I've chosen to count on. No big surprise, everyone has, right? Like deciding how you're going to deal with crazy (above)....we each also have the opportunity to decide "what now" when we're let down by another. Some choose to be become jaded & isolated, to return to within & become self-reliant. I think this may be the stock initial reaction but I wonder how many times it's ever really accomplished. Often you hear threats of isolation, to "never trust again" or some such nonsense. We are however, at our instinctual levels, pack animals that seek comfort & company via interaction. With widely varying degrees of introversion & extroversion taken into account, we all yearn to be loved, approved of & valued. We long to be understood & identified with, to be loyal and relied upon...especially as it relates to something that takes a huge amount of time to prepare for & (mental) energy to accomplish. So when the game changes in the 11th hour it's difficult to adapt. When I make plans or give assurances it's as good as set in stone to me.  I'm a process-oriented person, routines allow me to feel centered & comforted. So to not have the same is annoying, to say the least. It inflicts a bit of panic & frenzy in my life, the least of what is needed at this moment. But this too shall pass & will be just another good story at the end of the day. I'm left to do my best to understand the "why" & not take it personally or let it jade me. I already isolate too far given my druthers because I'm internally motivated & introverted. Long hours spent with my head underwater & only my little voices for company? Sure...sounds great! Hmmm.....at least I can recognize that it doesn't make the most sense to the rest of the world....

To each their own decisions & actions. If you need me, I'm going to be over here doing my own thing. Sort it out amongst yourselves & lemmeno when I'm no longer in the line of fire. I've got shit to do, brain cells to protect & goals to achieve. Life's also too short to spend time worrying about what someone else thinks of me, I have to work too hard to stay on my own good side.

Motivation, drive, validation & appreciation should always start within.