Tales of a Survivor - February 2010

I read a quote awhile ago as I was taking a "brain break". It brought a light bulb moment out as I realized that I had/have found what other people look for. I have found what people who go through assault & rape worry they'll never find again.

I had that moment where my humanity, dignity, self-confidence, intelligence, strength, femininity, respect and love was all stripped from me & I've spent (subconsciously or not) almost every moment since trying to forget, trying to get past, trying to reconstruct myself and my identity. By and large I've succeeded.

I feel like I accomplished this task easier and quicker than most, but there are weak moments where the whispers and the ghosts sneak out of the closet. The fear and the doubts creep in and I feel "less than".

Part of my “recovery” was my amazing network of strong people around me, my friends who throw up their arms around me in protection and support. The other part was talking about it almost immediately & spreading the word to hopefully protect & help someone else. I hope there have been others that know my story and think twice about a situation or are a bit more aware of their surroundings.

It's an amazingly shame-inducing event when something so out-of-character is done "willingly" and you have no control over any of it. It astounds me that I was there and did nothing about it out of fear, but I conversely know that I did the smartest thing I could have done by doing nothing.

Nonetheless, I've said since the beginning that you either begin to heal immediately and of your own will, or you allow it to consume and eat away at you. I realized that having control of my body (and mind) for awhile might have been involuntary, but having control of my life and my mind is another thing entirely. I made the choice to heal and move onward.

I still have scars and will deal with what happened for years to come. Realizing this is part of healing too. I continue to believe the rape was the “easy” part - it was only my body. What hurt more was taking on the charge of healing by myself. Rape affects both people in a relationship. In our case the emotion of the relationship clouded the professional training; the perceived crack in that armor did more damage than the rape itself. When the protector can no longer protect (be this realistic or not), the self-perception is of weakness and doubt, causing irreparable damage to a relationship. Despite the love & emotion, the walls & wounds created by that ill-perceived weakness are still gaping & deep.

My “aha!” moment today has, in my opinion, turned one of the final corners in the journey back to myself. The desire to be loved is one of the simplest human instincts. The doubt and fear that rape, assault & abandonment create isn’t easily overcome. For so long I believed we could heal together, but I now realize it’s a personal journey. I am stronger for having healed on my own and looking for my own path. I have rediscovered happiness by simply walking through my pain, accepting it & moving past it. It’s taken over 3 years to finally admit that I am worthy of being loved & I am equally capable of loving completely.

I have found the love that makes me forget but still makes it ok to remember.