A note to my Guardians.....

My life, my decisions, my needs, my emotions. No one gets to judge. You people can only slightly warn me once & then your piece has been said & you're done. I get where you're coming from, I truly do. I know why you're so dead-set in your opinions & trust me, I'm not too far off of those from time-to-time. But dear God, allow me the chance to reach out & obtain what I need (or what I think I need) for a little while. It is, after all, my life. You can only protect me so much, though I know you would gladly spare me from any & all hurt & discomfort & struggle if you were able. That's your job as a friend & a parent. But this is my fight & my perogative. If I choose to walk out on the teeny, tiny limb & take a chance....you just get the joy of being prepared if I happen to fall. I learned the tough way that I shouldn't necessarily shut doors on people (or things, or opportunities) & I was rewarded for it...even if it didn't exactly turn out into what I hoped. When something matters so greatly to you that you're willing to reshape your life at one point & then gets redirected (for whatever reason) it's tough to shut down & simply walk away. I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face here...I deserve to be happy in the long run & I'm the only one that gets to choose that path. And I can't hurt any more than I already have, I promise you all that. So I owe it to myself to see where this goes. And yeah, there's at least some pure selfishness in here that is reaching out to take a little bit of comfort & support simply because it's there. This has been a damn hard few months, one has only to read through this blog to know that. If I can lean on someone else even a little for a little bit then I'm ok with it....if it makes me selfish & manipulative, well then so be it. I guess that definition depends on the outcome. If I get screwed over, then it was worth it. If I don't, then I suppose it's a good test.
We shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater...one mistake doesn't make a horrible person forever, especially if the reasons for the mistake are understandable. (Note: I didn't necessarily say forgivable, but certainly understandable.) If I am willing to understand the rationale for the decisions then I also owe it to myself to ponder if I would have done the same thing as well as my own tolerance for heartache. Only time will tell but I've made the poor soul suffer enough already just by myself. I'm sure the jury will be out for a long time for those who are so protective of me...it's a long road to prove intent when you're busy carrying your burdens as well. I have no intention on making it any easier than it needs to be, but I have no problem allowing the road to be walked. For all those overly worried about me & willing to throw down immediately...remember that I have allowed the door to open, the outcome is my own fault. I'm willing to take the risk - even if it only winds up being short-term pleasure. The pain would be no more long-term than it's already been, believe that.
Anyway...my life, my decisions, my emotions. My guardians, each & every one, are loved & appreciated for the intent & the protection. The initial pain was not my fault & nothing I asked for, but this is my own doing & that must be respected by you all as well.

This morning...

I have to jot down some thoughts, because it's been a rough morning. It's actually been a helluva rough week - the stressors keep piling on & the stress relief is in short order. Working out provides an amazing respite from the stress of life & multiple full-time jobs (at the same company) but when you're working 10-14hr days at said jobs, running in the dark in a strange city isn't exactly going to relieve anyone else's stress.

I mentioned awhile back my consideration for medication. I bit the bullet at an appointment & asked what might be a good idea, was sent on my way with a year's Rx for a teensy dose of Lexapro & told that "if it didn't work or I had any concerns, to just call or come back." Now, in my job we spend quite a bit of time discussing the validity of prescribing things along appropriate clinical treatment protocols & so on & so forth. Simply handing someone a 13 mo. supply of this medication isn't exactly the correct protocol, but I'm an athlete & pay pretty close attention to my body & I'm thinking my doc remembers that & knows that if I have any questions I'll call or pop in. But, if following the 'rules', I should have some blood tests done after about 3-4mo to make sure I'm not shredding my internal organs or sending anything outta whack & I should have (had) a follow-up appointment after about 4-6wks to see how the medication was affecting my life. Further, I shouldn't have just ramped up cold turkey into the full dosage, there should've been an adjustment period of how to take the pills & acclimating my body. But anyway, that's an entirely different story. They seem to have helped greatly, or at least that's my impression as my stress level has literally gone through the roof.

Vague-blogging.

I was intro'd to a new term earlier this year which I have somewhat perfected - vaguebooking. it's the posting on Facebook of thinly-veiled vagueness that really clues no one into anything other than that something is going on.....I've perfected this. I have a number of "stalkers" on FB...one of which being my mother...sometimes I like sharing the blunt reality of my thoughts. Other times I just hint. Then there's the occasion where I'm bitching about someone/thing that directly relates to someone else on FB....vagueness is sometimes essential. Anyway....I'm hereby creating a new genre...vagueblogging. Thinly veiled, unapologetic & with little explanation. This is, after all, my world & my thoughts....I've done it before & I'll do it again, it just has a name now....

Evaluating 2010 - or lack thereof.

This is going to be tough this year. There's so little to evaluate from an athletic/racing/training front. But there's so much that has happened outside of that arena that I still think this is necessary. If nothing else, I'd like for this to serve as a reminder to self about why I am who I am (good & bad) & how I can continue to get through the obstacles & setbacks, the tough spots & the easy. So...here's hoping this looks a lot different next year...





The day before the Sharkfest that wasn't

-What one word describes your 2010 season? Does it match what you said last December in anticipation of this year? Non-existant. This is as close as I can get to one word that sums it up. I had what looked to be a decent start to the season going. A good showing in Alabama & even though I struggled in the half-marathon in NOLA & the Pig (again, just in a different way), I still showed up at TH & did ok. It wasn't spectacular, but it was ok & I wasn't displeased with that. Thought I was setting up in a manner to put some time in on the running & figure out some things this year. Then started the Ohio debacle &

things fell apart from there. Writing this on December 17th, my last full, official workout was in May. That's disgusting to me. I've gone on a couple of bike rides, a couple (literally, couple) runs & swam a couple of times (including a 5k)...but nothing that represents living in a healthy manner or being active consistently. I'm so far from where I thought I'd be last December that it's damn near shame-inducing.



Race start of the Rock 'N Roll Mardi Gras
New Orleans Half-Marathon





-Did you race any new distance this year or try any new type of racing or sport? The only new thing I did this year is prove that I can sacrifice my personal life for my career. I set new records for myself in my lack of training, racing & general sports involvement. I was on the boat to do a swim from Alcatraz that got cancelled AT the island, that would have been new, but I've swam further so maybe it wouldn't have counted. I was supposed to swim a 10k but I pulled myself out of that delusion prior to registering. That would have been new as well. Neither would have been prepared for properly or executed to the best of my ability, of this I am sure.

Mudathlon. You'd make that face
too if you had mud
 in unmentionable places...



I did run the Mudathlon in Anderson, IN with C. THAT was fun. There aren't really any pictures & it wasn't anything that would be considered fast or inspiring. It was dirty (took 2 wks to get the mud out of my ears), it was slow (climbing over hay bales, military hurdles & through a river ain't exactly dashing) & it was gross (mud - EVERYwhere. I think I peed mud. And it was dry before we got hosed off. We simply threw away about half of our clothes...). But it was a helluva good time. We laughed, we splashed, we ran & jumped. We had fun....it's nothing to do for a time record or a win, but it's a helluva good time to be had getting nasty & doing dumb things. 



Day before Big Shoulders...
more like Big Waves & Big Cold.
But yes, that's a palm tree, in Chicago.



-What was your greatest thrill or joy this year from training or racing? I swam Big Shoulders in September, regardless of the fact that I was woefully unprepared. It was horrendously cold, the water was incredibly rough & the swim was 20:00 slower than last year. But I felt, in even the smallest way, that I was still myself even after all the crap I've been through this year. I fought through that swim, that cold & finished the race. It wasn't easy & many wouldn't have done it. Hell, many didn't that day.....There's an athlete down in there & she'll be back at some point. But she's buried under a really, really large pile of self-doubt, disappointment & emotional crap right now.

Post-Drumstick Dash. Soggy in Starbux w/B & T

On Thanksgiving, I ran the Drumstick Dash with T & Little B. We did the short option (2.3mi I think) in just gnarly weather, but it was his first time running in anything other than his neighborhood with his Mom. He had a blast & wouldn't stop thanking her for letting him run & said he couldn't wait to do it again. We didn't run fast, we took a couple of walk breaks, we played leap frog with the traffic cones, joked with the spectators, raced a car & stomped in a puddle. We had FUN. It was one of my most memorable runs & I hope the sheer joy of that stays with me for a long time. It's why we do what we do & I hope he does it for a long time also.



Post-Mullet Man.



-What was your biggest disappointment this year from training or racing? The complete & total lack thereof. I've allowed this to happen, let there be no doubt about that. I've long stated that if you allow yourself to be run over & worked without end, it will become expected. The problem with high expectations is that, once they're set by others you have no choice but to perform to the expectation or disappoint. I've **finally** reached the point where I'm accepting a bit of disappointment from others to live up to my own expectations. Or....to be more realistic...to start taking steps to start living up to my own expectations again...hell, to even be in the same vicinity as my expectations....



-What was your favorite race in 2010? Tri - Alabama...one of two I actually showed up for. I performed decently & had a good time. I had family & friends there & ran my butt off. Swim - Big Shoulders - I'm in there...it's buried & it's going to be painful...but I'm in there, somewhere. Run - Drumstick Dash. Witnessing the discovery that it can be fun...inspiring.



Urg...

Not sure I have many other terms. It's been a helluva weekend & I've not really got many startling things to say about it. Had a breakdown, put some stuff away, took the dog to the emergency vet, watched a helluva football game, ate very little. Yelled at said dog way too much & put some lights up outside.

I also broke a window in the garage (& probably my thumb) in the process of said breakdown.

Things aren't progressing as I would have liked them to, clearly. But there's a saying that bears repeating, "If you're going through hell, keep going." Onward, driver....

Dilemmas & Drama

I've had a rough week - big surprise there. I feel like most of what I've been doing since I started this whole "Ohio" thing is simply whining about the drama, the delays, the lack of sleep, the challenges, or any other normal thing that would come with transitions & challenges. That's what this is, you know....it's a stepping-stone in my life, a challenge to overcome & get through so that, when I emerge on the other side I will recognize once again what I am capable of going through & surviving on my own. This, too, is a repeated theme from the past 9mo. At some point before 2011 begins I will have to compile the list of 2010 accomplishments, failures & challenges. I do this every year, but they don't usually go anywhere outside of my head. Much like each birthday, I think the ringing of the New Year is a new beginning. It's a chance to take what the past year wrought & do with it what you want - better or worse - & learn, grow & know what NOT to do with the new year you've been given. Taking a few minutes for reflection.....this year it might take a bit more than a few minutes....it's been a helluva year.

This past week is no exception. Ups & downs, drama & emotional breakdowns. Failures & quitting, walking away & "holing up" to protect myself, to just name a few of the things in the past week alone. Some I'm proud to stand up & face, some I'm just embarrassed by. No details necessary, but suffice it to say I have a broken thumb & I REALLY wish I remembered exactly how it was broken. I also have a broken windowpane in my garage & I really wish I DIDN'T remember how/why it was broken. Ah well.

If it were boring, or I knew how to better articulate about all of it without opening the Pandora's box of my emotions again....I would explain fully. I'll leave that to the therapist when I get back to that exercise. For now, I've got alligators & assholes to take care of before I can go enjoy Christmas.....

Hmmm...

I'm concerned with my fatigue level. I'm sure it's a product of 4Q, renewals & marketing coming out the wazoo, having just moved & not quite settled yet. There's just a lot of still-moving parts & pieces. Now add in the listing of the Carmel house (& the minor battles that has wrought) with the rest of it & it's no wonder that I struggle to Fridays. Oh yeah, that no exercise thing is probably weighing in largely as well.

I keep saying, "it'll be normal soon." Ha. The definition of normal, like the feeling of "home", is a bit elusive at the moment.

There have been a few earth-quaking moments of realization that this may be a mistake. There are an equally few moments of clarity that I am better for this experience & that someday it'll be great stories. They're balancing each other, barely. But note: it hasn't really snowed yet, either.

I'm good at my job, I'm a good friend, I'm a good person, I'm a good athlete, I'm a good girlfriend (though that role is currently unoccupied!), I'm a good dog-mom, I'm a good sister, I'm a role-model, I'm a good housekeeper & I'm good at anything I put my mind to. These things I know. It's normal to have a wavering concept of "self" & a fragile self-image in today's society. But it's quite wearing to repeat the mantra to myself constantly.

Less than a week & the mettle of really establishing a routine of my own & making this work by myself will really come into play. When I come home at night & there's no one else there to excuse me sitting on the couch or not walking the dogs, will I finally put my head on straight?

Rev3 Cedar Point is on 9/11/11. I think I'm going after a goal. I think it's time to put the doubt, the inferiority, the insecurity, the laziness (some of it, anyway), the chubbiness (& shut up if you try to convince me otherwise) & the excuses in the rearview & reclaim whatever parts & pieces of myself I can gather up. It's time to be me again. And isn't it about damn time to stop whining, anyway?

"Home"

The relativity of the word home is currently perplexing me. All of my stuff is in one place (well ok, the VAST majority of my stuff...though oddly not a couple of my treasured kitchen items..but all the wine, so it counts.) & the dogs are here. Mom is here. Even my lawn mower & my Uggs are here. It's my bed, my dishes, my sofa, my television. Why is it so unerringly puzzing, then, that my "self" isn't feeling like I'm "home"?

Sure, it's where I'm laying my head & sleeping & I've finally started sleeping well. But it's not quite to the point where I walk in, drop my stuff, collapse to the floor & sigh yet while the dogs waller (scientific term) me. Maybe that just takes time....we'll see. I'm hoping so. We're settling in to the routine, if not the setting. I'm realizing each day the need for that damn fenced-in yard. But I kind of like walking with the dogs in the morning (though the evening walk is usually much more friendly & cooperative)...it's not terribly cold yet though.

Anyway....we're driving back to IN to start the clean-up on the other house tomorrow afternoon. I'm curious to see how I feel when I walk in there. If it's a comforting, wanna-sigh type feeling, I could be in trouble. Letting go of the past & starting over might prove to be more difficult than anticipated.

Guess we'll be patient & find out, right? (Not like there's an alternative....) Hoping I can dig out the bike(s), get the trainer set up and/or a Gemini membership lined up & get moving again soon. Started looking at races for next year & we all know how dangerous that is....

On the concept of 'getting even'....

They are RIGHT ON when they say "revenge" or "justice" isn't our job. Sometimes we don't get the luxury. Rest assured that whatever comes next will take care of itself. My God will get the rapist that had to drug me to take advantage of me & felt that I was easy/cheap/incapacitated enough to do so. I can't possibly inflict enough pain (even in my greatest dreams) for what the scum did. However, The Big Guy upstairs (& the Universe as a whole) has MUCH bigger powers than I do & I can take AGES of solace in that. I've laid it at their feet (proverbial, stone or otherwise) & have made my peace with it. I can pity his soul & laugh at how foolish he's been with the gift his life could've been.

Go forward & put your faith & energies along those lines....think about what people like that do to themselves. Have you ever seen a tornado that made things look pretty? Ever seen a fire not cause damage? Ever seen cancer make cells more alive? Yeah, same concept.....but from those tornados comes the opportunity to build to better codes & plant prettier flowers, out of the ashes comes a more nutrient-rich soil without the underbrush clutter so things grow quicker & out of cancer comes either everlasting life or a MUCH stronger survivor.


Take your pick & walk your path with unwavering conviction...it looks much better on you than pain & angst.

Still....

And still, I miss my life & myself. What & who I know I am, because this isn't it.

I still feel like I'm missing something. And as I'm currently in what I'd like to call a "rough patch" even though some would call it success I've got this heightened sense of "missingness" that I feel like something is passing me by.

I'm not sure if it's the career I was 'meant' to have, the family I don't yet have, the love I've had & lost (or given away), the family I do have but is far away or possibly the security of the friends (the rest of my 'family') & home that I'm leaving behind. I'm not sure, but I'm not exactly feeling very grounded in my own presence right now.

I know I miss working out & being healthy, I miss my pups when I'm not with them & I miss the boys (& the rest of my friends). I've got a lot of worry leveled on my shoulders right now & am juggling a lot. I know this. Likewise, I know I'll get through it & keep making the best of it. Once settled I can begin to work out. I get a few days with the girls if I survive another month. I get some quality time with my parents (during which no one will yell - or cry - for at least a little while) soon. The dogs will be with me full time starting in a few days, we'll get that other house on the market soon, I'm officially off the other account starting today & the kitchen table will fit. Once I start working out & get settled I'll make friends, but don't have to lose the ones I already have. It'll all be ok, I just have to keep chugging along.

And the love thing? Well, I'm just playing it by ear for now & trying not to hurt myself. I think that may be the easiest (or toughest, when it comes down to it) part of it all. For now it's certainly the easiest not to worry about & enjoy thinking about.

Proving what, exactly?

I'm sitting in New York, not the city, the state. I'm somewhere roughly in the middle of it. Frankly, I think I'm in the middle of nowhere. But it's nice here. I'm technically at a casino (also known as a client) sitting in a pretty plush hotel room. I have a meeting tomorrow in this neck of the woods & then will fly back to Cleveland. Yeah, "home"....when you start flying in/out of an airport in a place (that, coincidentally, you only "live" a few minutes from) it should somewhat be considered your home. Especially when most of your clothes are in that city. Even moreso should it be considered such when almost all of your shoes are there...for me, that's saying a lot.

I'm officially embarking upon this journey. Still unsure on the closing date for the house, or the listing date for the Carmel house, or really on the moving date (& methodology) for the furniture. Hell, I'm still unsure if it's the right thing to do. But I have to plow ahead & as always, I'm sure things will work out in the end.

It was said to me the other day by a friend, "I'm really surprised you're going through with this & making this move." I'm still not entirely sure that's not an insult, but it does somewhat annoy me.

I debated over the weekend (with a different person) what I'm constantly trying to prove to myself/the world/whoever with my athletic antics & stubborn streak. What could there constantly be left to prove to anyone & will anything ever satisfy that need? When will it ever (when will I ever???) really be good enough? Will I ever pass my own tests & where did these tests & standards I've set for myself come from? And are they holding me back in other areas of my life? (i.e. if I were so stubborn & all-fired determined to do things myself - or by myself - would I have someone by my side to fight these battles & prove things to the world? Would I be easier to live with if I could live with myself?)

I think the two are related. I'm constantly trying to prove something (but don't know what) & even though I'm scared to death of doing this by myself that's exactly what I'm left doing (& now feel the need - nay the necessity - to do just that). It is a self-realizing prophecy? Am I driving myself to be alone because I'm so hell-bent on proving that I can? Or have I just been unlucky thus far in finding someone who can keep up with me and/or who wants to keep up? Will I ever be good enough for myself, let alone anyone else? And if I can't ever satisfy my own standards, will anyone else ever be able to stand up to them?

There's a helluva quandry.

Laughter

"You sound more like yourself than you have in months, in a long time."
"I feel more like myself than I have in a long time."
"You haven't sounded this relaxed, like you're having a good time & you're happy."
"I think I have been, happy, this weekend. It's rare, hard to recognize & certainly hard for me to imagine at the moment, but I've had a damn good time the past couple of days. Hanging with the girls to the volleyball game - teenagers wear me out but they were so much fun. Even if it was at that godforsaken school. Riding with the guys, seeing friends, just being outside & breathing, hell that's more than I've done all summer. And I don't feel bad about it. I have no idea where my blackberry is & I don't care. I even snuggled & slept in a tent & didn't sleep a bit because of all the noise. Remembering that I really like riding my bike & (assuming I do it routinely every now & then) I'm kinda good at it. Just feeling healthy & alive. Sheesh. Have I really been that far out of it all summer?"
"Yes. And I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"What good would it have done?"

Amazing what an agonizingly long bike ride & a collegiate volleyball game will do. Even more amazing how quickly my entire demeanor changed between being stoked & nervous to ride another 50 (potentially agonizingly slow) miles & making the decision to bag it for responsibility. I went from smiling & laughing through exhaustion to angry & teary about sacrificing & missing my life.

It's coming down to the wire, I've driven the first load of stuff over to CLE & actually put it in the house (another agitating as hell story about why I'm STILL sleeping in a hotel later). This thing is really going to happen & I'm still not 100% on board with it being the right decision. But I have very little choice in the matter now & as said awhile back will be plowing forward & making it work because that's what I do & it's who I am. It'll turn out fine because it's how I roll.

But for about 36 hours this weekend I had a blast. I canoodled & laughed & huffed & puffed. I shifted into the granny gears & cruised up hills & old men passed me. I slept outside between two snoring men, ate PB&J with pasta salad for breakfast & did a wee bit of yoga & stretching on the quiet lakeshore just after sunrise all by myself. I got my feet & shoulders rubbed & saw more stars than I've seen in months. I was me & damnit, I was happy.

Lordy...just a vent.

I'm afraid this is becoming a very negative thing to read & for anyone that does do so & feels the same, I'm sorry. This is just the one last place I can really not pretend at all & no one should really care. Again with the, I know it could be worse & all that jazz. I mean it when I say I realize that. But holy goshdarn hell this is really freaking hard. I know the light at the end of the tunnel jazz & I've found the house & we're chugging through that process but surely, SURELY there should be an easy day now & then. A day where I don't feel like I'm letting EVERYONE down if I ignore the phone one more time or tell someone I can't help him through this spreadsheet one more time, or just say to hell with it & do it myself because I know it'll be quicker & it's got to be done NOW.....Where the to do list doesn't sit idly next to me glaring like an ignored puppy about to pee on the carpet. Surely, at some point, I will feel good at my job again.

There will be a day where I don't push my fingers to my eyes & force myself to breathe normally (or breathe at all) & not cry - because I don't have an office door to shut anymore when in IN. Surely I will, once again, be able to even consider the word proactive & what it MIGHT mean to my clients. There has got to be a day when I don't think miserably of the stuff undone or wonder what's going to wake me up tonight & wonder who else I disappointed today.

I'm sick of being mad at the world & negative. I'm sick of bitching about everything left & right. I'm really sick of feeling inadequate because I know I'm damn good at what I do....when given the time to do it/anything.

But sonofabitch this is hard. I'm tired & angry & not getting anything done & damnit I've even been in the same office for 2 whole days. I just don't get it. I ate lunch at 6p tonight. I want desperately to go home & be comfortable & not feel like I'm empty & bitter. I want to be able to pack things like I said I was going to - one box a day all week. Shit. I'm just sick of working so damn hard. I hear everyone else whining about how hard they're working but they don't have any idea! (I know I don't have their jobs or lives either....so I really don't know myself...but I know that there are people that really, REALLY, cannot be working this hard & why can't they help?! )Why can't someone else just try to explain something, or have the knowledge to get something done? Why is it me? I swear I'm not this important. Really....I can't be. If someone/anyone/everyone knew me & what I'm capable of before they put this much faith & pressure on me then they really would've thought twice.

I just need a break. I haven't had a full day without the blackberry killing me since maybe April or earlier? I've come to about the end of my rope & am out of answers. I cannot work any harder nor disappoint any more efficiently. I cannot be made to feel worse about the consistent inadequacy that I am bringing to the table right now. I promise. I can't feel any better about the lack of effort & focus I'm offering, nor can I be any less bitter about the waste of time I'm having to put in on menial projects & meetings just to save face.

I'm tired. I've got nothing left to give. I keep saying that & I keep giving. I keep staying until 9p or later or finding ways to get things done but I really am not sure I'm going to survive this week. I'm really at the end of my rope & not sure how to deal with this crap any more & it just keeps building! How amazing is that?! It just keeps coming out of nowhere with things I either said I'd do, someone else said they'd do or meetings that someone else needs me at. I was so excited to have a couple of hours just "away" last week & now I'm aggravated that I took that time - I could have gotten at least SOMETHING done during that time & maybe not been so buried right now.

I've got at least 5 booklets to review, 2 RFPs to get out to the market, 1 report to do of marketing results, a meeting trip to schedule, two meetings to prepare for tomorrow, a spreadsheet to populate for rating, renewal information to gather for more rating/review, have ot make sure we get in some actuarial work tomorrow & still have to hunt down carrier information so someone else can file forms for 2 clients by the 15th & oversee 3 printing jobs - one of which isn't even estimated yet. That's just the shit popping off of my head because it's written down right next to me. I have 4 more piles behind me.

Just breathe. Do one more thing & go home. One more only...send the email that's started & try to sort out which booklet is the revised one to send to the client. Maybe I'll sleep tonight or at least get a better idea of what the hell's actually priority on the to do list.

God I don't know how to get this all done & stay sane. I'm going crazy.

Off the grid...

I took a little bit of time last night & this morning for me (& partially for the rest of the world, too, but that's another story). I did something I totally wanted to do, but that was somewhat irresponsible. I even kinda planned this thing, though I didn't plan the thoroughness of it, nor did I really consider (nay, care) the consquences. I went totally off the grid for a number of hours.

I left in the middle of the night, didn't tell anyone where I was going (except the person living where I was going) & I hid. I listened to a little music, laughed a lot, sat/sprawled/soaked/sweated in a hot tub, watched some kittens, had a couple glasses of wine & by God I relaxed. I left the phones & the work & the dry cleaning & the mortgages & the house(s) & the job(s) in the car & I just let it all fall away for a few hours. (11...to be close) I had alarms set for 8:30, I turned them off. I woke up with a cat laying on my stomach purring & we played & cuddled for a little bit, then we went back to sleep. I was sleeping in the quietest house I've been in for a long time. No tvs, no radios, just a babbling little waterfall/pond & a kitten purring & some fans running. I snuggled in the morning sunshine on soft sheets & told the world to go to hell for awhile, I was taking care of myself & purring with the kitty.

I've paid for it dearly with the rest of my day - crashing back to reality with 5 voicemails (on the cell phones alone) 3 text messages & about 50 emails...when I got in the car, just from this morning. I'm exhausted (being up all night does that to you) & it'll probably take all weekend to get the food/sleep schedule back on track. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I love the comfort that I experienced last night & this morning. I love being able to not worry for even just a little while. I loved not being responsible & the hardest decision being what wine we would drink. I love the huge laughter from being goofballs with the cat, the impressive sounds from a top-notch sound system, the relaxing comfort of steam with the moon & some of the stars that I haven't seen in awhile (hello, Orion...winter must be coming) & the confidence/reassurance that comes with a longstanding relationship. Yes, I will gladly do any of that again regardless of the consequences.

It's October 1st & I feel like I've missed most of this year. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of time that could've been fun. I've probably taken a few years off of my life with all the stress & worry. I'm surely at a loss as to what the next period of time will bring (see picture below) but if I can find nights/mornings like this one again as often as I need them then it will all work out.

I'm kinda still purring.

House...

It's a cute little bugger, huh? Maybe not quite as small as it looks, but not much bigger, either. It'll work just fine for me & the pups though. Cute landscaping, a big room upstairs, hardwood floors & adequate storage space (including a massive closet that I found yesterday). The garage in miniscule but it'll work for Makx. The yard needs to be fenced in eventually, assuming that at some point I have enough money to do so. Until then we'll figure something out that hopefully won't drive the neighbors too crazy.

The closing date is listed in late October & there's a ton of stuff to do between now & then. Not the slightest of which is the financing & that's already causing drama. I wish there were enough hours in the day to do the things I'm responsible for. I also wish there was enough understanding to go around.

The best news: the kind & cute guy that currently owns the above cute little house is willing to evacuate the premises & let me bring stuff over early for a small fee. This means I actually do get to quit living out of hotel rooms & figure out how to live in this house. He could be out as early as the end of this weekend but I can't move that fast. Next week is slightly intense anyway with most of my time in Indianapolis & I really want to take some "me" time & ride the Hilly. So the 11th is when I'm hoping to have a car full of stuff to haul over to the place & crash there. I clearly won't have the pups yet but it's a start.

Now if I can only figure out where it actually is in relation to EVERYTHING else....ha! (We'll worry about how in the HELL we're - me & the mouse in my pocket - going to pay for it tomorrow....)

I'm sick.

(Warning: this is going to be negative. I'm fresh out of chipper today, this trip, this week, etc. Sorry, I'll return to "It's a Wonderful Life" soon enough, I'm sure. But today I'm just not really feeling it. If you'd rather skip this...I won't be offended.)

I'm sick to death of hearing people bitch about their own lives. Which is only slightly entertaining to me as I'm doing little more than doing that lately myself. It's not ever as bad as we really think it is, right? So little miss "boo, I have to go to class" or mister "my team lost" or family "baby spit up last night" can really just shove it. How about we try "my boyfriend dumped me", "I'm having trouble finding a good house", "I haven't cooked a meal for myself in months", "my laundry gets done every two weeks", "I shower at my house twice a week", "My dogs forgot who I am", "I take the weekends to recover from the week", "I haven't worked out in months", "I can't start a relationship because I'm leaving", "I'm incapable of getting things done at work becuase I can't focus", "see prior: I'm falling further behind", "I'm so lonely it aches" and combine it with a good dose of "I've finally wound up really sick." There? Does that make whatever hangnail you had feel better?

Now, I'll go ahead & take a WHOPPING dose of cancer, ALS, Alzheimer's & whatever malady that needs to be thrown at me for some perspective. It could always be worse & I am relatively lucky to be in the position to do the things I'm doing. Rest assured I know that.

But.....as I sit here at work at 7p (not really caring because my other alternative is dinner & the hotel room by myself) in a city where I know few, coughing my head off with sore lungs & only breathing through my mouth....I'm struggling to remember that.

I'm sick. I'm sick of people whining. I'm sick of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for my mood. I'm sick of being made the bad guy because my heart got broken & I'm still not ok with that. I'm sick & tired of living out of a suitcase. I'm homesick - sick for a home, or a place that feels like home. I'm tired of driving so much. I'm tired. I'm sick of being the resource & the know it all. I'm sick of taking care of it all by myself. I'm sick of being chipper. I'm tired of being alone at night. I'm sick to death of eating junk. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm sick of pretending I'm not exhausted & lonely & depressed & angry. I'm sick of hanging on to the idea that it can all work out. I'm tired of losing hope. I'm tired of being the adult! I think I'm just sick & tired.

It'll get better, I know. Trust me, I know. I'll get it done & come through the other side because it's what I do, it's who I am. Failure isn't much of a choice in my book, but that doesn't mean I'm really enjoying the ride. This is tough & this is hard & this is taking an awful lot out of me. I'm sick as hell & it's surprising to me that it's taken this long.

I'm just over the drama & over the dread & over the freaking process! Just get the show on the road already...house bought, car registered, inspections, financing, listing Carmel, selling, settling in, joining a gym, finding swimmers, finding friends, settling in with the dogs, cooking my own dinners & just getting back to what used to be a regular & fun life.

I turn 30 in 3 days. I'm going to have a bit of a gathering...informal. I'm basically going to hang out at a bar & if anyone wants to come they can. At this point, I'm not expecting much. I'm hoping to be able to breathe w/o coughing.....have a few drinks & enjoy the evening...and maybe not sleep alone.

Tansitions...

Change is never easy. I'm accepting that. But it is a fact of life & I assume it's better to hit it straight on, accept it's coming & do your best than to shy away & wait to see what happens. I'd much rather have some sort of impact on the outcome. I think that's the engaged & strong way to live life, conscious of what's around & where I'm headed. Or at least I'm just going to keep saying that bs to myself until I believe it, since I don't have much choice.

-new job
-moving
-engagement discussions
-becoming single
-finding new house
-finding property mgmt co. for old house
-prepping old house to rent/move
-training new EE

Needless to say, there's a lot going on. Mix in me attempting to kick my own ass outta the house for what might resemble a social life & whammo...you've got a lot of crap going on. Maybe too much, depending. It's sure not taking up as much time as I think it should, as I'm still left with far too many quiet moments to think about love (present & past, good & bad) & the gravity of the decisions I'm making & wallow every now & then that I'm making them alone.

I am only as strong as I have to be, make no mistake. I can get over being drugged & raped. I can push through marathons & bike wrecks & iron-distance triathlons & anything else the world has thrown at me. More often than not I'm pushing through these things alone & of my own volition. I'm sure that this makes me strong & durable (if nothing else in the eyes of some/most) but I wonder if I'm doing them (continually) to prove it to myself. I am only as strong as I've had to be. Having had someone take care of me for even such a short time I'm now left craving that companionship, that allowance to be weak & dependent. In my weaker moments I've allowed myself to consider seeking that comfort from any source possible - thankfully this is often countered by the knowledge of what is/isn't good for me. (I'm far from infallible though & not ashamed of that.) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, that I have to do this alone. I have to make this transition to this new city with my own strength as my guide. I have no choice but to make it work because I said I would.

The question is, am I proving it to myself, to those that left me or to those that never doubted me? And when will I ever stop having something to prove?

(sigh)

Nighttime is the worst. I just want the security & comfort I never knew I was missing. The warmth of knowing someone is right there if you have a bad dream, they'll hold you if a storm comes in, that if you need anything they'll help however they can. I lie here cold & uncomfortable, wishing to hear the rhythmic breathing of someone to lull me to sleep & body heat to not feel so alone.

It's nighttime that I didn't know was the worst & I didn't know what I was missing. I do now.

I miss what walked away. But what's more, I'm afraid I pushed away what I miss the most before I even knew what I was doing.

Sleeping on a couch freezing never felt so good. My question left behind is what I miss most.

I'm afraid the answer is something I never knew I would miss.

The new baby...

Better known as "why I'll be eating ramen noodles & soup for the next ten years" or "getting back to my athletic habits because I can't afford to anything else ever again" or maybe even "guzzling gas faster than Mom can fill it 2010."

I drove in for an oil change & out with a "new" car. It's a few years old, has a buncha (51k) miles on it & might have a few tiny imperfections. But...it's MY new baby & she's quite a princess & has some cute little bells & whistles. I'm excited, if not consistently in debt.

Sunday....of nothing.

I'm thankful for my life ability to hit 'stop' every now & then & just relax. Interpret as lazy if necessary. Could also have synonyms of moping & depression, "wallowing" might come close depending on the moment. My own little weird way of dealing with this for right now. It's close to relaxing, but it's more along the lines of just "shut down". Staring into space & just not really thinking much. This is how we deal with pain in my family. We kind of hole up, tell the world to go away & do it alone. I'm sick to death of telling the story, because I have to relive it each time & it's not helping. I'm sick of the constant motion that the rest of the world (read: friends & loved ones) are trying to keep me in...it's almost as painful for me to pretend I'm fine as to retell the story & then I just have to deal with people looking at me all sad. I just want, for the moment, to sit & be alone. Reflect on what isn't here, what's lost & be sad about it for awhile. It's my grief, no one can make it any better for now. Well, one person could, but he's not & I'm trying to accept that. I'm stuck with some serious confusion about what's going on & if/how/what could've been done & why it wasn't discussed earlier. None of it's doing much good, but it'll help me come out the other side of this.

I'm thankful (list item #2) for my air conditioner. It's HOT outside & I know it's working hard. It's lame, but it's something I'm thankful for & that's all that counts.

I'm also thankful for my puppies. They're sticking pretty close to me at the moment, knowing that something's up. Kinda makes me laugh, but they're comforting nonetheless. They're complicating the hell out of this Cleveland thing, finding a place that'll allow 100lbs of dog (not to mention the shedding or that it's TWO dogs) is challenging. But....the dogs are unconditional love. Vivi's agitated at this disruption - she knows someone is missing & isn't as receptive to me at the moment (my fault, apparently) but the other is sticking quite close & giving me some additional loving.

That's my Sunday. Searching for a place to live, being mopey & reclusive & thinking about what's next. Trying to get off my butt to go to the driving range & then to downtown to pick up my computer/work for the coming week - since I fly out early tomorrow. Back to the grind that I think got me dumped to begin with. Awesome.

Thankful List

To keep myself headed in the direction I need to be - even if it feels like everything else is pulling me in the exact opposite direction. I'm listing three (3) thinks I'm thankful for. Maybe this will be a daily thing - maybe not.

1. My friends - this is the most emotional pain I've ever had. My heart has been ripped out & discarded like old newspaper. But my friends, the community of people that love (ha) & care about me have risen up & surrounded me with nothing but love & support. In fact, they kinda won't leave me alone...but this is a thankful list soni digress...

2. My job - I have a good job & work with good people. I feel fairly secure in this job (for now) & am confident that I can use this job & new opportunity to elevate my career

3. My strength - for obvious reasons. Often translated as cockiness, pushiness, ignorance, determination, selfishness or stubbornness, this is the reason I am myself & I am able to not doubt my survival in this heartbreak. Ive been through worse by myself - this is nothing. I pray to keep the strength to be vulnerable & allow myself the possibility to get hurt again. This appear insurmountable at the moment, but this too shall pass.

I am what I am because of these things above. I will plow through & come out the other side of this cloud of pain & betrayal & insecurity & abandonment. I will keep myself intact & I will be a better person for this difficulty. I will be thankful for the difficulty & the pain, it means I'm living with passion, purpose & emotion. Without these, surely how gray & boring life would be.

Hurt

I have very few words. This was intended to be just a bit of a quick vent since I'm CLEARLY not effing asleep (having your heart ripped out & stomped on will do that to you.) but I'm not even sure that I have a ton to vent. I'm just heartbroken & angry & really, really lost feeling. I have negative words to say but they're a result of the anger.

Fool & Coward are the only two I can really throw out there right now.

I'll figure out at some point how we got from talking about engagement rings to not being able to live away from family to a job offer to moving out in just a few days at some point. For right now...I'll just work on figuring out how to keep breathing & stop crying, & how to do all the things planned for 'us'.

Never put your own happiness in someone else's hands.

Angry & hurt & really, really scared. Damnit. Cue pity looks & insincere hugs while people whisper platitudes & then mention behind my back that it was too fast & he was too young.

So glad I now get to turn 30 single & move to a whole new city at the same time. Effing awesome. Excuse me while I'm a bit bitter for awhile.

I miss...

I just miss C & my dogs. I miss smiling around the house & snuggling watching tv. I miss rushing home for bike rides & coming in stinky from a run or exhausted from a long swim. I miss being picked on. I miss doing these random things & drinking beer with my best friend(s). I miss being the person with too much to do in my social life to fit in too much work in my career. I miss being who I want to be & who im supposed to be instead of who I have to be. I'm promising to be a better girlfriend, roommate, best friend, lover (don't tell Mom), athlete & maybe a little worse coworker....in that order...I hope everyone is ok with that. If not, find someone else who will give up happiness for career. It's not worth losing it to me, if I can't do it with the person/people I love with me, it's not worth doing. I can't undo this move, but I can undo the working too much & ruining the beautiful life I have.

I love too much to let this happen to me again. I'm promising to be present & do what it takes to get back to early May.

there's free stuff out there!!!

DC Rainmaker is giving away a 310XT --see blog for details. This is the newest, hippest techie tool to keep track of your efforts. The blog has in-depth reviews & more info about it also.

Most of my friends have some sort of Garmin or another & they love them. I've pondered on it & as I'm going to be making some serious headway towards goals next year, I think it could be a really useful tool, in all 3 sports & more.

I'd like to win...so if you happen to win...give it to me!

Blessings...

My Mama always told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say to not say anything at all.

I'm taking medication & still feel crazy. I've become a non-athletic person & I hate it. I'm fighting tooth & nail to keep my relationship going. I'm trying desperately to be too many people at once & succeeding at very little. I suppose simply staying alive & going through the motions at some point is success in itself. Maybe success in spite of itself? Maybe itself in spite of success.

None of them are really that happy at the moment. I have a feeling that I make decisions with His guidance & I have confidence that this will turn out ok in the end & I will be better, stronger, happier for it all. Life could be much, much worse & I could have much bigger things to think about on a Monday night. But right now it feels big & that's what matters to me.

I want a break from the worry, a break from the Blackberry, a break from the pressure & to be who I want to be. I want to be responsibility-free for a little while, to remember how sweet vacations are & the squeal of little kids' laughter. I want to see the amazing beauty of the ocean without worrying when my next meeting is or if I'm finally going to miss a flight. I want to laugh with Cory & have the serenity of peaceful sleep.

Life could definitely, always be worse. I'm not forgetting that I'm incredibly lucky, believe it or not. I just feel really lost right now & am fighting my own demons. My own demons are roaring at me & they've got a whole slew of new ones right behind them. I'm feeling inadequate & very alone.

This too, shall pass. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (rinse, breathe, repeat as needed)

This guy & I...

This guy makes me happy. We're a bit ridiculous, a bit schmoopy, a whole lot of sarcastic & kinda mean to each other most of the time. He's left bruises from picking on me, bought me flowers at Valentine's Day, does some of my dishes, most of my laundry, feeds the dogs & keeps the house standing while I'm hoofing it here, there & yonder lately. He's hell-bent on making my dreams come true.

He also happens to be one of the most hard-working people I know, who says "I love you" every time he gets off the phone to almost everyone. He's a gentle soul with a pure boy exterior, is incapable of sitting still & is super mushy first thing in the mornings. He'll go out of his way to make others happy & be the 'good guy'. He's got a heart of gold & is loyal to a T. Best yet....he makes me laugh, hysterically. I love this guy!

Photos by Picturesque Photography by Jill

Life is Insanity

Two weeks - I started this work project thing two weeks ago, on 5/25. I've been on 11 planes & in 7 airports since then. I've woken up at or before 4:30a (w/an alarm, not because I couldn't sleep) 3 times. I'll be at our last softball game tonight at 10p & walking into the airport tomorrow at 5a. I've officially passed out for the first time in my life & am losing weight but not working out. I've slept in my own bed less than 8 full nights out of 14. But I've only been in 3 different hotel rooms. I've had 4 different rental cars & been in 8 different towns for more than 2hrs each - 6 of those outside of IN (& not counting flight layovers). Within the next two weeks I'll have visited another new airport, at least 4 more planes & 2 more hotel rooms, 2 more rental cars, 3 more states & visited 3 more groups. I also have a vacation day, a wedding & a trip to Alabama for that wedding in there. Hang on to your hat, boys & girls....

Really...more rental cars than hotel rooms...that's quite hilarious.

Happiness is....

Boys that make funny faces while camping...

My flowers blooming - later than most others'....they may be slow but they're still pretty. (Seems to be a theme in the household...) And flowers that stick out their tongues at you....

It's a good life....

Dances with Dirt

Another freaking awesome day...first time it's rained. Great times with good friends. Had an awesome conversation with God somewhere in the middle of it, too. I so wish I could've had my camera with me - it wouldn't have survived (i barely did), but the pictures would have been amazing. Guess that makes it a more special memory. I'm totally wrecked - my legs from the knee up are shredded by thorns, from the knee down to my toes my muscles are traumatized. Hoping all is functional by this weekend for Terre Haute...A couple of brief moments:

The night before...I used to watch the world go by here on my way home from lifeguarding..

Pre-race...we're a LOT cleaner & drier than we were all day....Why yes, yes we are...we have the socks to prove it.This little guy was spotted after I finished a leg...hopping through a field.That little dot in the middle? Yeah, that's me, sliding sideways down that big-ass hill. I almost fell about a dozen times. Given the 20-30 people looking on (incl. the camera) & the preceeding 3 hours of rain, there was a lot of pressure! (Not to mention this was about mile 7..of that leg..mile 12 or 13 overall for me)Post-race, beer in hand, life is good. These people? That beer? That food? Those scratches? That mud? See those ankles? They are why I do these things....

We are the lucky that live as we can & push limits as are meant to be tested...for we see more than most & breathe like few imagine. Pity only upon those who don't dare to live life, see their dreams or experience the edges of comprehension.

Don't pet (or feed) the bears....

Don't you just love it when things are taken entirely out of context? When you say something to someone - not meaning to shove something in their lap but to genuinely ask if they had a better idea - & the result makes you look a bit less than intelligent?

I'm quite annoyed, clearly. I just wish you could genuinely put tone into email/text/whatever without the possibility of misinterpretation. It's so easy when I'm bitching to your face....

Feeling Crazy...creating my own puzzles.

I've typed about it before - it's not a new feeling. Has a bit of a different slant to it right now - a bit of time defined quite succintly in the middle of each night where I ponder the back of my eyelids & texture of my ceiling, my breathing, the projection of the time on said textured ceiling & the blinking of the colon within said time (60x/minute - go figure). I calculate boring holes into C's head with my eyes alone for the slightest movement - let alone his murder for the alarm going off 3 times. Wondering whether I'm creating my own issues by "knowing" what's coming, if I can literally (& figuratively, actually) outrun the problem by making myself too tired to function. Knowing with absolutely certainty that my dogs move far too much in the middle of the night & thinking about ripping their tongues out. And having discovered that 2 AdvilPM is too much, while 1 isn't enough...I'm used to feeling a bit crazy, but not using to feeling a bit crazy in this manner.

Just feeling like things are a bit off-kilter, or that life is a bit out of control & I'm just a passenger. Blend the fatigue from the marathon, the daily life chaos that I really thrive on (most of the time & the fatigue that creates), a bit of disshevilment (word?) at work & a bit of an inability to sleep for a few hours each night & I'm just outta whack. That's about the most coherent way to put it - just outta whack. Not sure what's causing any of the others....just the congolmeration of it all & I'm wonky.

I don't feel like I'm overly anxious (unless it's between 3:30 - 5:15am), don't feel overly depressed (unless it's between about 2p & 4p when I'm just darn tired), & don't feel overly irritable (unless I'm at work, which may or may not have other causes). So I'm a bit like a roller coaster & I get that for all the sarcastic & outspoken people in my life. Trust me, I understand that I'm a bit unpredictable right now & you're not quite sure what you're going to get - welcome to my planet. I don't necessarily need you rubbing that in, which only serves to make me feel a bit more off-kilter & crazy!

Part of me thinks medication is the only way to go, I have little desire to spend another few grand in therapy re-learning the coping techniques I already know, being told that I'm normal, reiterating that I should follow a schedule & delving deep into "what lies beneath." I've been there & I've done that. I know that there's no shame in therapy (& highly, highly recommend it to any/everyone - it doesn't mean you're crazy, you really do learn tons about yourself & that's not bad!) & would gladly go back to it but it's kinda expensive. A very large part of me has no desire (none, absolutely nothing, zip, zero, zilcho, squat) to chain myself to a medication - though I am equally certain there is nothing wrong with that (& that a large percentage of the population is on some sort of medication for mood/sleep/anxiety/depression/thyroid/etc.). I just know that I'm horrible at taking medication & that I don't want to become a larger liability to myself than I already am....whether that makes any sense or not. I don't want to create more problems for myself, basically.

I just know that there's some reason I'm waking up between 3 & 4a & not really being able to go back to sleep until after C leaves for work, some reason I'm tired more often than not (read prior reason - indelibly linked I'm sure) & some reason I'm feeling a bit "unsettled". I'm sure it's a mental issue (though the teeth certainly aren't helping much right now....causing some undue anxiety that can only be exacerbating what's already there - but that's an entirely separate issue/post filled with anger/tears/fears/pain...I just want to be able to freaking drink water & eat for chrissakes!) & am equal parts wanting it to "just go away", wanting to dig & realize what "it" is & wanting to just medicate the hell out of myself. So....yeah.

But I look at medications & am worried about the side-effects - I'm an athlete & that's vital to me (& whatever shards of my mental well-being still exist), I don't want to gain weight (& cause an entirely different slew of mental issues), I don't want to even approach not being able to sleep (cause, meet effect, meet cause...circular formulas don't even work in MS Excel!). I'm leery of my eating habits changing too much, freak out entirely about not taking things properly & being thrown even deeper into depress...er...anxie....err...insom....err...whatever the shit is going on.

Would vitamins & fishoil do the trick? Is Lexapro my best option? Do you start with a head doc or a GP if you think you know what direction you're headed? Do you just wait for the OB appointment in a month? Can you afford to wait a month? Is C part of the issue or part of the solution? Dare I delve into deeper cause/effects? Should I stop reading too much into everything? Will I stop wanting to bite someone's head off? Would I lose my passion? Am I really crazy?

Sheesh....too much rattling around today combined with computer issues on the internal servers. Can I just go swim?

Flying Pig - Mini-RR

This about sums it up....it was a long, slow day in Cincinnati. (The picture is actually from a work trip a few weeks ago - wildlife encounters abound...the car in the back is our rental that the night prior smashed itself into a deer. But the picture is apt for the marathon...) It started off really soggy & never really dried up much. We were plagued by some stomach issues (not mine) & foot issues (both of us). I think the feet was mostly because they had been so wet for so long. Either way, I'm not thrilled with the time, but we get credit for gutting it out & finishing. I felt loads better than I did last year all the way through - I was the cheerleader this year (surprise, surprise) & am not feeling too bad today. My quads are a bit trashed & my feet are achy. I popped all the blisters & am hoping they do their thing & go away. Oddly enough my right shoulder is a bit sore, too. Not sure where that comes from or why, but it's not bad. Just overall fatigue but nothing major. I'll be back at it in a couple of days. I will do another marathon. I will put more consistency into the training, possibly choosing a bit flatter course. I will also show up on race day with the expectation that I will run hard & I need to run for myself. Whatever I hoped to "answer" yesterday was not answered or proven. We gutted it out & I'm proud of that (how many people in the world can say they could/would/have done multiple marathons?), but I have higher expectations. I can't say I'm disappointed to have finished another marathon - I give lectures about things like that! But I know I can do better, and I will.

Hell, when your last two miles of a marathon are less than a minute off of your overall best splits (9:00 miles) - whether running to "get it the hell over with" or not - you know there's more in the tank & that you can deliver a better result. Next time.....

Flying Pig - the lunacy

It's Friday. On Sunday morning I will be toeing the line at the Flying Pig Marathon in Cincinnati. I did this dumb thing last year. I have to think that I was a bit better prepared - despite the somersaultingly dramatic bike wreck a week prior last year. We had done 18mi runs, had been more consistent on both the long run & the mid-week running. I was, just overall, in a bit better shape I think. When I wrecked my bike & could hardly move for the majority of the week & STILL my dumbass ran the event I'm pretty sure I proved whatever I needed to prove to myself and to anyone else. Yeah, my standalone marathon time is only 6:00 (MINUTES!) faster than my Ironman marathon time - sowhat?! I still finished, under duress I might add.

So what have I got to prove this year? I'm certainly not going to prove that I can run one fast (yeah, like I'll ever be able to say that I'm "fast"...fastER than I was...maybe...but never FAST) with as ill-equipped as I am. I'm certainly not deluding myself that this is going to be really fun (perspective: longest run to-date is a couple of 16mi). Top it off - the weather forecast is shit. (Yeah, I'd like to say it nicer, too...but forecast is about 2-2.5in of rain this weekend....)

IF I toe the line to run the full, IF I go the distance, IF I don't hurt myself & IF I am able to enjoy the overall experience - who cares?

I've soul-searched a few times this week trying to figure out why I'm so immovably stuck on this thing & can't come up with the answer. I don't know what I'm proving to who or if this will even do the trick. But I know I can't get this thing out of my head & out of my mind. So on Sunday I will suffer a bit with a bunch of other folks. Here's hoping the expo is cool, the boyfriend rubs my legs well (or doesn't touch me at all, depending on the outcome's severity) & we get a HELLUVA cheeseburger on the way home. There will be a report at some point. (my training log will be caught up too.....after pigs have flown)

Mutt Struts!

The mutts, Cory & I took to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway track yesterday to raise some money for the Humane Society of Indianapolis. It's a good cause & I figured the dogs would be entertained by the chaos, or participants, whichever. I wasn't disappointed on that level. Add in the chilly temperatures & the ugly rain & it was just kind of a gnarly day. All things considered, we had a pretty good time - there was a lot of laughing, quite a bit of dog impersonation & Vivi even calmed down most of the way around the track! Ellen took a few photos of us kinda early on...they're hilarious because they make Monty look like the "difficult" one...ha!

How do you know the weather's decent?

Because the blog postings get fewer & further between! (Either that or work goes totally INSANE. In this case, it happens to be both...so I'm trying to keep the "me" balance in check & make sure I get my time - away from a computer. I'm not doing a great job, but I'm surviving & there's an end to this insane schedule in sight.)

Spring flowers (& one of Vivi, just 'cause she's purty..), as promised over a week ago.....

This is the first year I've had tulips...well, multiple tulips, if you don't count the one that bleeping bunny has chewed off in years past.

This little guy just makes me happy...& more tulips!

This also makes me happy...morning dew + hostas...

These are the back hostas....this is mid-April! Holy cow...I'm going to have to divide most of these this year (again)....

Also the first year for some hyacinth...hoping it all comes back next spring!

The flox! I love the flox...it's a bit untamed though...

More to come...I'm having tons of fun with the little camera & the flowers!

Florabama MulletMan Triathlon - Race Report

Ahh, the familiarity, the festivities, the food, the fun! This is just about my favorite race, because I just have so much darn fun. This year was no exception, though it seems this race offers a different dynamic each year depending on who's around, how we/I feel & the wind. Amazing how little things affect the overall outcome of the day....

Swim -
There was an odd surf break this year. Course is out 100yd, down 200 yd, in 100yd. Fairly straightforward. Last year because of the wonky weather/waves/rip tides they cut the swim massively & basically made it optional. I was one of only a few that went around the buoys. This year had a GREAT forecast - middle of the night Friday the wind was supposed to swing around & be offshore, making it a glass surface. Glass may be a bit over-stated, but it wasn't too bad. The first break was out just past our line, decent if you kept an eye on it, entertaining when/if you didn't. I got rolled a couple of times but nothing major. Main break was just a few yards offshore, so it was fairly easy to cruise in with the current, as long as you kept an eye on the break & didn't get slammed to the sand (read: my warm-up swim, depositing sand where there shouldn't ever be sand present). Fairly uneventful, though a bit more pushing than I'm used to here. No worries, I swing with the best of them. I was top 13 overall on the swim, top 3 chicks outta the water, dominated the age group. (1/4mi Swim - 8:32)

T1 - the usual cluster of sand, rocks, pain & cussing. As always, I could be quicker. I could also be much slower. Moment of brilliance: squirting off my feet with the extra water bottle I had. No need for buckets/pails, just one more bottle & enough sense to make sure I don't use the one with the energy drink. (2:06)

Bike -
First race with the aero helmet...(read: charity silent auction dare-devil antics gone bad). Gotta say, having my ears covered isn't such a bad deal. Maybe increases the focus a bit. Race wheels with the trispoke bump were a bit annoying, maybe worse than normal & not entirely straight - not sure, but when you can only hear what's right in front of & below you, it's annoying. That wonderfully promised wind wasn't quite as promised, it was slightly out of the northeast, but only had a noticeable affect for about 2-3min after the turnaround. No noticeable push or drag otherwise. Had a great ride up the bridge - dropped people all over! And of course, this tank goes downhill quickly...THE singular advantage to being VP of the chubby girls running club - biking downhill! I think I topped out in the upper 30's on speed.

Didn't have the aero bottle on the bike...neglected to remember where I put the rubber bands AND the velcro to hold the bastard down. So I went old-school with the regular bottle behind the seat. NO worries, eh? Except that gulping down liquid in mass quantities while in the fetal position pumping one's legs into one's stomach (a la pistons) does NOT make for good digestion. Add in some hard effort & hard breathing & the scene is ripe for regurgitation, yes? Yes...let's just say I brought a new meaning to "I just threw up in my mouth a little." NO worries, most of it stayed down, the rest of it decorated pavement. It was just liquid anyway & a sprint race. Note to self: find bleeping velcro & bands - one band is in purse/on gearshift in car...idiot.

Another note: getting a haircut the day before a race might not be a great idea. Either that, or the tiny little pigtails sticking out might have a drawback on the aerodynamics of the helmet. Whatever, it makes for a smile & a funny shadow. I'm not too worried about it.

I whipped out a PR on this bike course by a few minutes. Felt pretty good outside of the liquid rejection thing, position on bike wasn't uncomfortable, legs were steady but getting tired at end. (17mi bike - 50:13, 3 AG, 6 Female, 59 overall)

T2 - Oh, if I were just a quicker person. I will say I like coming back to an empty rack. The downside is there's no weight holding it up - I almost sent it all flying. No worries, I even remembered to take off my helmet - which in turn ripped off my sunglasses. (At least I discovered why they wouldn't sit straight on my face - they were tucked around a strap!) Grab the number & the visor, put on a shoe or two (opting to, once again despite my own intelligence otherwise, neglect socks - thinking that washing trick really did a great thing) & away I went. Note that I did tuck the gel I had into my shorts - I had every intention of actually eating it at that point. I can still (as always) gain some time here...(1:47)

Run - Forget the gel, forget the breathing, forget the hydration. Just. Keep. Running. Determined to pound out a good time I was pushing pretty hard right off the gravel. Ran by a cheering section/gauntlet - C's recruiting new friends & the parents on the other side of the road & quickly reached my "pain threshhold of running". Having learned last year in July on a track in Indiana that no, in fact, running hard won't kill me - I was quite determined to pound out a decent (for me) run. First mile hurt a bit, struggled with my breathing some & just pushing up against where my body wants to slow down. I did grab some water at the aid stations - I figured not capturing as much water as I could on that bike combined with having a microwave on my head was having an effect on my hydration levels. I also figured that, despite I thought was a quick swim & a great bike, an extra minute or so at my run pace wouldn't kill me. So I grabbed some water, walked a smidge & pushed back up the pace as soon as I could. Prob. ~ 30sec walking at 2 aid stations. (The third station is less than a mile from the finish - I grabbed the little cup on the run, splashed about half in the direction of my mouth - a.k.a. up my nose - & the other half down my chest. I'm not sure how much of either was intentional...) I hurt quite a bit but pushed my limits a bit. Got chicked once but very much deserved it - she was tiny, flying & running harder than I was. Just a solid, consistent run effort all the way to the line. Not much gas for a finishing kick - ok.
(4mi Run - 35:15, 167 overall - slow, but it was 8:38s!!!!)

Overall - 2nd age group, 75th overall, 7th chick, 1:37:51, I'm counting it as a PR, in 2005 the race was 2mi shorter (bike) & I was right at 3:00 slower than that. It was about ~:25 on the swim, about 1:00 on the bike & just over 2:00 faster on the run. I think the 2005 numbers include transition though...so that's clearly where I'm slower. Which, ok, my feet are a bit more sensitive. Maybe I just need to get the lead outta my ass.

Either way...we then proceeded to have a blast. The typical post-race of hanging out with some of the family, a couple of friends new to the scene & the other Indiana crew that heads out. Acquired a rockin' set of Klipsch earbuds, slurped down a few Whackers of the Bush, cashed out on a reserved cabana-dealy for a bit & strolled on the beach awhile. I've got to say...it was a fan-freaking-tastic way to spend a day. Great way to start 2010.