Tansitions...

Change is never easy. I'm accepting that. But it is a fact of life & I assume it's better to hit it straight on, accept it's coming & do your best than to shy away & wait to see what happens. I'd much rather have some sort of impact on the outcome. I think that's the engaged & strong way to live life, conscious of what's around & where I'm headed. Or at least I'm just going to keep saying that bs to myself until I believe it, since I don't have much choice.

-new job
-moving
-engagement discussions
-becoming single
-finding new house
-finding property mgmt co. for old house
-prepping old house to rent/move
-training new EE

Needless to say, there's a lot going on. Mix in me attempting to kick my own ass outta the house for what might resemble a social life & whammo...you've got a lot of crap going on. Maybe too much, depending. It's sure not taking up as much time as I think it should, as I'm still left with far too many quiet moments to think about love (present & past, good & bad) & the gravity of the decisions I'm making & wallow every now & then that I'm making them alone.

I am only as strong as I have to be, make no mistake. I can get over being drugged & raped. I can push through marathons & bike wrecks & iron-distance triathlons & anything else the world has thrown at me. More often than not I'm pushing through these things alone & of my own volition. I'm sure that this makes me strong & durable (if nothing else in the eyes of some/most) but I wonder if I'm doing them (continually) to prove it to myself. I am only as strong as I've had to be. Having had someone take care of me for even such a short time I'm now left craving that companionship, that allowance to be weak & dependent. In my weaker moments I've allowed myself to consider seeking that comfort from any source possible - thankfully this is often countered by the knowledge of what is/isn't good for me. (I'm far from infallible though & not ashamed of that.) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, that I have to do this alone. I have to make this transition to this new city with my own strength as my guide. I have no choice but to make it work because I said I would.

The question is, am I proving it to myself, to those that left me or to those that never doubted me? And when will I ever stop having something to prove?