One for the Resolution folks....Prone Pike Press (2nd edition)

Yeah, say it a few times and try to say it fast. Good luck with that. Here's another: try to do them without either breaking your wrist, doing a somersault, laughing OR cussing incontrollably. Here's what ya do.....grab a big Swiss Ball, glare at it for a minute so it knows you're good and serious. Throw in a couple of threats for good measure. Bonus round: have a heart-to-heart with your abdominal muscles before this - come to an agreement that what you're about to do will, in fact, be a good thing in the long run. It's going to hurt like hell, you're going to feel quite awkward, but it will be good. So tell them to shut the hell up, don't be girls, and get on board.

Now...there are two ways to get into the proper starting position for this exercise. NC might recommend standing behind the ball with your shins touching it, then leaning forward until your hands are on the ground and walking them out into a "plank" or "pushup position" with the middle of your shins on the top of the ball. I prefer the "beached whale" approach: stand behind the ball, dive onto the sunuvabitch and bounce forward and walk your hands out until in the aforementioned "plank". (That's Step 1) Be forewarned that you'll have to start much further back that you realize, your body is longer than you realize, and if you're not careful you'll put your forehead into the mirrored gym-wall.

From here, the fun begins. With hands shoulder-width or a smidge wider apart on ground, tighten your core and pull your butt straight up into the air until your toes are on the ball. STOP YOURSELF BEFORE YOU GO OVER IN A SOMERSAULT (challenge #1)!! Lower your butt back into a plan position. STOP YOURSELF BEFORE YOU BECOME A SWAY-BACKED COW (challenge #2)!! Breathe, rinse, repeat. Do 3 sets of 10. Remember to breathe throughout. Might I recommend exhaling while lifting one's butt.

General notes: this is a true ass-kicking exercise and will gain you respect from some of the Gym Barbies around if you can do it with some style. Yes, everyone will be staring at your ass. Get over it. If it's good enough to get up there, you deserve a little ogling. I haven't figured out the smoothest way to get up (read: dismount) without a reverse beached whale effect. This is part of what makes this so fun to me. You will feel like Jell-O. I haven't quite figured out the best place for my hands, but slightly "duck-footed" seems to offer me the best opportunity to save my ass JUST before I topple forward into that somersault. (I seem to have mastered Challenge #2 much easier than Challenge #1 as this is the hardest part of it for me....)

So have fun, boys and girls, and let's compare rock-hard abs when you master this. Or....let's compare stories of general hilarity once you, too, have busted your knees, ripped your abs and mastered the somersault like I.

In which we realize we don't like hamsters....

NC and I went to a spin class at the gym tonight. First one we've been to at this gym...a year of membership. I'm biased, I was friends with and appreciated the instructors at the old gym. They understood I wasn't necessarily there to do their thing (standing sprints? Pssht. "Jumps" Yeah, right. "Hovering" When do I hover in a tri?) and were fairly content to leave me alone to do my thing in the back of the room. Sure, I'll climb a bit and I may throw in a sprint or two. But I'm going to set up the bike as close to my own position as I can, and I'm going to chill in the "aero" (as close as one can get when A)not really on a bike, B) not really in any wind and C) without any little arm pads) for awhile. It's what I do when I'm really on my bike and that's why I'm here - because I can't get my butt outside on my real bike. I'm not here so people can see me and think I'm hot, I'm not there because I want my butt to look super-tight or my abs to rip. I'm not even there for a killer workout. I'm on your bike because I can't be on mine. This tends to annoy instructors when we're in their class not doing their thing. Sorry. See that tattoo? However shallow it sounds, it means I know what I'm doing on a bike. If you care to come ride with me outside, I'll respect your indoor chirping a bit more. Until then.....umm..yeah...let the soccer moms sprint and sweat.

So I think we annoyed her. She kind of annoyed me. The music wasn't the best, the workout wasn't the greatest. But it wasn't bad. She didn't specifically say anything to us, so that gives her some bonus points, too. How and why NC picked the bikes RIGHT in front of her I don't know. Alas....

1hr spin class, 25 minutes core work. Good, solid workout for tonight.

Concept: Debunking the long run

This article (Running Times) might just reinforce what I've been thinking all along. There might be more value to consistency over volume. I am naturally suspicious of running only 3 times/wk in training for a marathon. This is all the Runner's World Smart Coach tells me I need, and was reinforced by a local running guru whose sage advice I trust. Yet, as someone who had it pounded into my head that one day off a week was sufficient, one day off a week was necessary, and that one could benefit and thrive with one day off a week, I found myself slapped in the face with this. You mean I can be an athlete with only three days a week? (We'll ignore that little "XT" that exists on the SmartCoach plans, telling me that it's ok to cross-train. I'm not quite sure they realize what we mean by "cross-train" anyway....a 30-40mi bike ride?? A hard swim workout?? Or an elliptical session with some aerobics?)

During the IM training and the Mary training, I did one 20 mile run. ONE. And I vowed, as I spent the next 3-4 days worthlessly wasted with sore, crampy muscles and some solid joint pain, that I would never do another. I will do back-to-back 13s, or back-to-back 10s, whatever it takes, but 20 miles on my body does as much harm as good. Kevin Hanson nails my thought process when he says "The body thrives on consistency," in the above-linked article. I have residual fitness like a mo-fo, and have proven that I can pick up after a ridiculous amount of laziness and pop out a 6mile run (or even a 12.5 for the especially stupid moment). I don't feel great and it may do as much damage as the dreaded 20, but it speaks to residual fitness. With solid and consistent training, I tend to pick back up into the routine fairly quickly and get to where I can "feel good" relateively soon.

But holding a nice scheduled 3x/wk run and gradually building about 10%/wk yields a nice, predictable schedule around which it is easy to work in swimming (and pepper in some biking if necessary). A more consistent schedule of 5-6 runs/wk makes anything else much more difficult. As a multi-sport athlete I would have to shift and make it work for me. Both structures contain nearly the same volume, one just spreads it out more.

It's worth considering as I look at these schedules. It's also worth noting, however, that the Hansons prefer a 20 week lead, whereas I currently have about 12. I have no intentions on running a 20 unless I'm training for an Ultra (kiss it, never) or running in a marathon. But, with it being the time of year that makes cycling totally unappealing (1"of snow on the ground this morning, more coming Wednesday and Friday) and swimming an exercise in freezing and illness avoidance, what better time to work on consistently running?

I recommend to all the purchase of Brooks and Asics stock. If Mama's going to spend more time outside hoofin' it, Mama's gotta be warm. One pair of fleece tights won't cut it. To be continued...

General weirdness...

I woke up today not knowing if it was Sunday, Tuesday or Monday. This leads to a very disorienting few minutes where I'm left trying to figure out if I can sleep in, what time it is, what I'm supposed to wear, and what in the hell I did yesterday. Upon checking my watch I realized that it didn't really matter the day, I could sleep for another few minutes anyway, at which point if an alarm went off I needed to get up. It was weird. I'm not good at the whole disorientation thing in general. But oh well...I finally discerned that it had to be Monday, since I didn't think I worked yesterday and remember watching football before I went to bed. That's about as far as I got when the alarm went off. Problem solved. (Except I think the alarm had already gone off once and I shut it off, thereby increasing the weirdness of not knowing where in the hell I was. It does, however, tell me that I was sleeping like a rock.)

Ran 8.5mi yesterday in about 1:32... It was 23 degrees when we left T's house. I wanted 8 mi, the plan calls for 8mi. But when you run with a sadistic person with higher expectations and unbelievable residual fitness, 8.5 is what you get. Further, when you start to fall apart about halfway into the run, she begins to get quiet to allow you to suffer, adding only the occasional "almost there" and "we're fine" to keep your brain engaged. If you're lucky you can throw in some conversation to distract her from a rabbit's pace and if the Gods smile upon you and bless you with a bit of wind she might even pick on that a bit. But you must beware of the dreaded "barn mode" in which she subconsciously senses being closer to home (or checks the GPS and knows it, or just knows it by looking around) and picks up her pace incrementally to "suicidal". You will all at once notice that you are struggling and the lower half of your body is now angry and convinced beyond doubt that your upper half has launched a coup attempt without informing your legs and allowing them to prepare. Your lungs are fighting with your calves who are fighting with your stomach and your brain is held hostage with little capability of strategizing how to stick your leg out and trip this person who is dragging you along unwittingly. Nonetheless....when you finish the run, it's all good.

It was cold, I was dressed warmly and when turned out of the breeze was almost too warm. Turning back to the wind, however, makes one realize why layers and zippers are good.

Longest run in 3-4 months with only 2 walk breaks (one while I attempted to bring all body systems to the same page of realizing that no one was dying alone). Best yet: I'm fairly sound today, with only a bit of tightness in the hams and calves.

Hello running, I may have missed you. Can you convince my body to metabolize again?

Frozen cheeks...

It's gotten cold here, finally. Really cold. Colder than it has been in over 9mo. Ran 5.38 w/JKL last night after work. Nice, comfortable pace, easy strides. The canal is largely protected from the wind, so while the air was cold it didn't bite as much out of the wind. Was dark by the time we finished, a first for her but one of my favorite times to run. Not quite the same experience as up by home, where it really gets quiet and dark dark, but still counts. Post-tibs tightening at the end and a bit of general tightness afterward, but that's to be expected when the air is about 35* & I'm not acclimated nor used to running in general.

5.38mi (flat), 56:38
36*, windy

The best news: today I feel pretty great. Slept like a rock. Oh, and it's 24* this morning.

Back to Basics...

What I originally started the quest for and what it has become are so vastly different that I have surprised even myself. A quick recount of that (dumb) Iron-distance race and a way to keep track has become a quick-glimpse into the myriad of crap that goes through my head. Much of it is censored, because it can be found by a broad spectrum of people, but it is nonetheless very much me. One of my favorite evolutions of this thing was an in-depth tracking log for my stupid sports. As I'm trying desperately to get back into "me" and back to who I want to be I need to bring this aspect of it back as well. I log here and at RunningAhead, though this side of it tends to be more of the actual feeling and impact of the workouts vs. the technical aspects. I like noting that side of things as much as anything else. That said, and since I'm giving it an effort again...I shall continue my efforts of documenting my athletic stupidity.

The goal: to run a marathon on the last day of February. That's a short 13 weeks from last Sunday. That's a quick ramp-up by any standpoint - when considering that I've spent the past 3 months practically sedentary, it becomes almost mind-boggling to me. Worst-case training scenario (assuming everything falls into place for the race itself) I drop back and do the half. Alternate scenario: I spend a weekend hanging with friends and yelling my head off and helping to drive. Here's banking on residual fitness and quality of sleep.

I've proven that I can schlep around for a few months and pick up and go for a 5 mi run without too many problems. I can get back in the water and at least survive a tough workout. I can even do that a couple times. What I'm hoping will happen is that my body will quickly remember what this "athlete" thing is like and I'll snap back fairly quick. My intent right now is just to focus on swimming and running, since the snow and freezing temperatures don't make me want to go ride for a few hours. This will most likely be my focus through next summer as well, but I still intend to do some tris. I just want to take it easy and have fun, remembering why I do these things again.

So last night's workout: a low-key 3mi on the treadmill around 5.5-5.8mph (10:20-10:54). Then I actually lifted with Noah. what's that? Did the world just stop turning? Did AW really pick up a dumbell? Did 3 sets of 10 on knee extensions, leg curls, step-ups, calf raises, lat pull downs, low rows & bicep curls (2sets). I'm a puny little girl on most everything but lats, and I was a bit noodly-legged walking out. But it felt good and felt like a step in the right direction. I can do all of that on my own. The run felt pretty solid too, some slight wonkiness below my right knee in a really weird spot, but nothing too out of whack. Was playing with my turnover a bit and am hopeful that as the distance picks up and the ability comes back I can train back to a fairly high cadence.

Is it wrong to want someone to die?

Not the "I hate you and I never want to see you again!" type of die. Not the petty crap that just doesn't matter and is moronic. I'm speaking of death as solace. Death as refuge from the sad state that the world has put you in through no effort and no consequence of your own doing. Is that wrong to wish someone could die, if only to be released from whatever "in between" they currently inhabit?

I feel quite miserable saying this, and very much like a bad person. I'm not sure how to comprehend how my God would feel about me saying this, though I hope He would feel it not inhumane. It's a grace that I'm scared to hope for, a blessing in disguise that one should be freed from whatever suffering I perceive there to be.

My Gramma (that's Grandma/Grandmother for the rest of you) is in the throes of Alzheimer's. I don't remember when Gramma was just a little incoherent, just forgot the little things. I remember the Gramma that had the pound cakes ready each Christmas by the dozens. The gramma that didn't have to look at any recipe (except the dumplings, I believe) to know how to cook it. The gramma that never missed a beat when Papa took to poking fun at her. I only briefly remember the Gramma that was miserable one Christmas because Papa was gone (and had been for a number of years, wounds stay fresher when you revisit them often). I remember hearing Gramma say she no longer wanted to live, and apologizing in the next breath for being difficult on Christmas. I remember my Mom getting her to get cleaned up, and us eating fried chicken before we left for home. I remember sitting and watching the Food network for 6 hours that day. But I don't remember the meanness, or the incoherence, or the blank looks that they say she has now. I just remember she started sleeping a lot. Quite frankly, I don't want to remember the reality of "now". I much prefer the reality of then. They say she's mean. They say she sleeps all the time. They say she's done with life. They say that when she is awake she no longer knows. So yes, I wish her freedom for her.

I don't want Gramma to die, but I don't want Gramma to live like this. I have a little secret hope that wherever she is there's some happiness. I remember that Gramma used to yell out in her sleep (and occasionally beat the hell outta Papa, which was funny then) because people were trying to get her. I hope she's not stuck there. I hope she doesn't ever have to go to that place that causes those fears. Even if it's delusion, I like to think her in a field of flowers or a kitchen, doing what Gramma does. That's where I picture her grayness, her gone-ness. I don't like to think of her as lost.

I read that it kills you by infection, or by making your body forget how to function, which causes the infection. No one says it's hospitable, or gracious, or even forgiving. I wonder if it's wrong to wish someone freedom, to wish someone happiness, like I do her. I'll never wish anyone to suffer, even if it means holding on for myself. That body no longer holds my Gramma to me. She's been gone awhile now. I've not been to see her in a few years, either be omission, or scheduling, or unconscious design of either myself or my parents. To some that makes me a bad person. To hell with them. I don't want to hurt her by making her endure time with a person she doesn't know, I don't want to scare her. And I'm selfish enough to admit I don't want to go through that either.

I don't think it's wrong to wish for a person to be free when it's love that's driving that. It's wishing for an end to suffering. I don't want her to die, but I don't want her to live like this. I just want her to be happy, whether it be in her field of flowers and my gray-ness, or with my God and Papa going for Sunday drives in the Town Car (but only if it's after a good, southern dinner).

This is my Monday conundrum.

Wow....

"I also put a glob between my cheeks and no problems ever! " We are such an odd bunch in this world of multisport. That comment is regarding how to avoid chafing and the beauty that is Desitin and Aquaphor. I just read it and had to laugh. We discuss these things publicly, we have no shame in "lubing up" where others can see us, and we have frequent discussions about the myriad ways that our bodies react to what we're putting them through.

It's no wonder people think we're a special sort of weird. I don't know that I'd have it any other way......

Exciting

I'm excited. Things are new. Two of the walls in my living room are now "smurf poop" blue. It's a color I've affectionately renamed. It's also the color of a little Aleve pill, so there's some real-world reference. It makes me smile to look at, it's sure different than the "dirty white" (I've been informed that it's supposed to be called "eggshell"...dirty white sounds more realistic).

It's a tactile change to go with some more subtle changes I'm making. I just want to be happy and do the things that make me happy again. If that means standing up for myself, so be it. If it means walking away from something that's important, but harmful, then so be it.

Things are new. I am me. I am smiling. I've not done this in awhile.

Wahooooooooo

I got my lazy ass up and went to swim practice this morning. I ALSO went to yoga last night with NB and a couple of girls. It was great to stretch and get bendy. Also great to spend a little bit with the girls yammering at El Torito with some Patron Perfect margaritas.

I hurt like a sunuvabich at the moment, my back and arms are worthless. But it feels so good to know that I did something that I wanted to do this morning and something that I am good at. (Or, rather, I am good at if I do it more than once every three months..)

I'm probably heading in a few minutes to buy paint and possibly change part of this house. I'm on a roll. Things they are a changin'....it's time to get my head outta my ass.

Random bitching.

I've gotten away from posting so much. I've honestly gotten away from caring so much. I'm not hardly working out, I'm working entirely too much still. I'm as stressed out as I can get. And quite frankly, I've gotten hell for what I've written and found myself being skittish about putting up my real thoughts on here, because of how they're read. That's not my intent. I started it originally so people could keep track of that race. I kept it going as a way to track what I was doing and a place to vent. I'm not interested in censoring my thoughts, feelings or opinions. I don't like hearing immediate feedback on it either.

So there are other outlets I suppose. Or maybe there aren't and I just am not dealing with any of it. Either way, I'm pissed off at the world. I know it could be worse, sure. I've got the house, the bills, the dogs, the bikes, the jobs, etc. But I want more. I want to not feeling like a damn salmon half the time, or like I'm the only one that knows what the hell is going on with the computer, or like I'm the only one that can be relied on, or that I'm the only one doing anything. Hell, I'm one person. ONE. Maybe there are others that can be super mom, super friend, super co-worker, super spreadsheet guru, super drinker and super athlete and super girlfriend. It's not me. Yeah, I'm selfish, but I'm sick of being the cruise director, the travel agent, the geek squad, the responsibility and the financial planner. I'm sick of it. SICK. OF. IT.

Maybe I want to be coddled, I want to be loved, I want to be needed. I want my damn happily ever after and I want to walk into work, feel important, feel needed and feel like I love my job. Not like my boyfriend (boyfriend, really?) hates me, my boss is annoyed with me, the client hates me, the roommate is annoyed with me and the dogs would rather be with anyone else BUT me. I'm feeling a failure at the house and the job and the life and even the sports. And you know what? I don't want to hear about how I'm not any of those things. So I don't want to be coddled and I don't want to be needed and I don't want to be everything to everyone. I can't. I won't.

I think I'm the definition of depression and anger. I know I'm the definition of PMS. I've recently been the definition of poor decisions as well. I'm the friggin' trifecta of joy, aren't I? I promise that if you reply, if you give me hell, if you immediately ask how I'm doing, what I'm doing, when I'm going, where I'm going, who's going to be there, what we did, how I feel or what I want or how to freaking do something, I'm going to scream, cry and take it all out on you. Yeah, it could be worse. It could always be worse. But right now it could be a hell of a lot better.

Just. Go. Away. I'm sick of trying to be who I am. I'm not even sure anymore what that is, but I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a very good job of it right now. I just want a break and I want to be happy. And screaming, crying, having this rough patch of crap over with. I'm almost 30 and I'm sick of being stuck in the middle of the beginning of my life.

The Spreadsheets are coming...the Spreadsheets are coming...

16 columns, 54 rows, one page, 63 manual inputs per page, 8 separate data sources, 5 cross-checks back to those sources, 11 additional formulas inside the page that display, another 12 that do not display - SIXTEEN TIMES. A historical accounting and explanation of the future projections encompassing a total of $132M.

Over 1,000 numbers I manually typed, and I erred on 15 total. That's less than 1.5% error. Two transposed numbers and 12 left over from an earlier version with a different methodology.

On all but 3 out of the 16, the calculations are within $1. The outliers have an additional component with a margin of error still at or below 1% ($200 - $15k).

Not too bad for a wordsmith, eh? And yet, to quote, "no one cares. Just fix it and send it, now." In essence, no one cares how much I did RIGHT. It only matters that it's not perfect. In this environment, I am destined to fail.

Kiss my ass. That's <1.5%.

Update: One of the "margins of error" was actually an incorrect calculation. Surprise, surprise. Failing to net out a couple of large amounts throws off part of the calculation. So yeah, still within a margin of error, as long as it's attributed to the right part of the calculation. When it SHOULD say ~9.7% and it actually says ~17%...others can look at it and know it's wrong somewhere. I, on the other hand, was looking at the totals, not the things that auto-calculate. Damnit. I can't win for trying.

Chaos.

The chaos has continued. Struggling to keep it going.

Ran 5.25mi yesterday. First run since early August. (I did jog a couple of miles earlier this week with Derreck...so that counts too.) It was super windy, and like all of my runs it certainly wasn't fast. But I very much enjoyed it. Hoping I can keep that going a bit. 5.25mi, 1:00:00.

This week's goal: working on the balance of my life a bit more.....making time for ME.

Supposed to head to Vegas on Thurs/Fri for Silverman. Hoping I can get it arranged and taken care of.

God Bless THAT Guy....

http://www.clevelandleader.com/node/3467

China People

A person whose life I read constantly wrote this. I had to laugh out loud as I was reading it and I miss my family something fierce right now. I'm not a china person really, but I will inherit some. I will even have the silver at some point. But know what? I hope I'm not the person that leaves it locked behind the glass doors.

We use the china at Thanksgiving and probably once a trip home. The china comes out, and most of it usually survives. If it's lucky, it doesn't even get put in the dishwasher - for which Mom might kill us. I'm sure it's happened before though. We are not the china people that leave it locked up.

Life is meant to have pretty things, useful things, that can be lived. Wear the pearls, use the china, polish the silver (on occasion) and don't live your life just looking at the things you accumulate. Own your life, get it dirty, experience the fun stuff.

Besides, if you've never had to go to the Mikasa outlet or searched the internet searching for the pattern for replacement pieces that may have gotten dropped during a Thanksgiving dinner that involved wine, beer, family (though maybe not too much of the genetic kind) and a bit of rowdiness....do you really think you're having as much fun as possible?

I know where the dessert spoon is, but that doesn't mean it's big enough. Life is meant to be too big for the niceties, too happy for the white carpet to survive in the formal living room and too frivolous to be contained only in the things we can observe.

Live it. Own it. Use it. Otherwise, what FUN is it??

Struggling with a lot of crap. That about sums up most of it.

Had a blow-up last night and said some tough stuff to aforementioned elusive beast. It's tough to say the things that are uncomfortable, but should probably be said. Even if I was spitting mad (for reasons that aren't entirely in his control) it doesn't mean that there are certain crossroads and things that we need to deal with. I am a bit antsy about our relationship. I don't want to "just date" forever...but I sure as hell don't want to rush to get married, either. I just want to know that I matter. I want to be needed and loved, I may even need those things. I hate to be that person and I hate to say it - it goes against most of my stubborn and blatant independence (however well I may be actually faking that at least half the time) to say I need to be needed. I feel like I should want/need to make my own way, the rest of you be damned. If someone wants to join the journey, then that's great, as long as it's a compromise on terms.

Maybe not true. (still sorting out some of this as I go) I need to know I matter. I want to be priority sometimes. I want to be more important than other things sometimes. I have no problem with "guy time" (because I'm sure as crap going to take my own time on occasion, and expect no gritching) and I don't want to be smothered. It's a fine line. One I'm afraid I'm struggling with at the moment.

I get pushed away and I grasp and get angry. Even if I started the pushing first.
I said crap I don't know that I mean - like, I can walk away. I mean, I know I CAN live w/o you, but do I really WANT to? (I think the answer is no.)
I'm sick of hurting. Well yeah, but it shouldn't always be a cake-walk, and I'm self-inflicting some of this pain. I'm not to assume you aren't hurting.

Schedules are schedules....I don't expect to be numero uno (that would be boring, and unrealistic) but I would like some time. Demanding jobs and weird parents and car crashes and planned trips (that I forgot about) shouldn't cause me to go off the deep end.

I just don't know if I'm ready to give up. I don't want to start over again. He does make me happy. I laugh with him, I feel good with him, I feel smart and I get my intelligence challenged, too (at least sometimes). I'm comfortable and have a lot of time invested here. I guess we're at a crossroads and I'm sick of pushing and making both of us miserable. It's not who I want to be - and I realize I'm transferring some of the external stressors into this situation too - we both deserve to be happy.

I'm a wreck today, I know that much. I'm not sure that I want what could happen. But I'm not sure I'm in a position to say anything else - I'm not going to convince anyone, I'm not going to make anyone love me, I'm not going to beg. I'm kind of at a loss here, and showing weakness isn't really a strong suit. I just am a bit lost maybe, all the way around. I just want us to be happy. I'm happy when we spend time together.

Update: Some things are written on walls. Best to get off the horse when it dies. Love may be one thing. Happiness may be yet another. Putting the two together, right now, isn't working for either of us. It is what it is and we are who we are. No one can predict the future and who knows what circles of life bring. Because we haven't actually had the conversation doesn't make it any less a reality. Maybe it's because we haven't had the conversation that it makes it that much more a reality. Either way it's sad and it hurts. But that's good to know that things matter, people matter. It shouldn't all be fun and games. Again, maybe some day...but not today. It's because I love that I have to let go. If we were perfect we'd be boring. If life is meant to be lived, it is worth living happily. Maybe happily ever after has an "us" with him, maybe it doesn't. If I knew, I'd be making far more money than I am now. Here's to who we've been and what we may yet be.

Universe, please clarify....

Here's a conundrum of mine....why do people allow themselves to "settle"? Why do some people allow themselves to be treated poorly? Why do some people not stand up for themselves?

Do they have low expectations of themselves?
Do they not think themselves worthy of the best?
Do they not think they "deserve" something or someone better?

There's a generation or two - the 2 or 3 just older than me - that believe the greatest reward is to be had by just putting your head down and plowing through. They believed that hard work was it's own reward and you could get far enough just by doing that. Then, you should be happy with what you've accomplished. There wasn't necessarily anything wrong with shooting high, but you needed to be realistic and if you start from a good spot and just grind it out, then the result isn't bad. There wasn't a need to think outside the box and/or really lay it all on the line and shoot really high. You got where you were going by busting your ass.

From a work standpoint I get that. But at the same time, I'm capable of more and I know it. That makes me just dangerous enough to myself that I think I'm selling myself short if I don't "go big or go home". I have a good job, I can work hard and advance and just keep plowing through. But if I'm not doing what I think I'm meant to do then it's not good enough and at the end of the merry-go-round, I'm afraid I'll be sitting there asking myself what the hell I was waiting for or what I was afraid of.

From a relationship standpoint, why even bother with the drama? I understand that it shouldn't be ALL simple fun and games. But someone should never be afraid of someone, you should never have to think about what they'll do to you - FOR ANY REASON (unless it's in a good way). There's got to be some intrinsic flaw within ourselves that makes us think we deserve being treated like hell. I don't really have that flaw...I mean, sure, my relationship isn't perfect. I could be treated like a Princess and have the world handed to me, but I don't want that. I like it not being perfect. I like having to work for it a little bit - on both sides. My Prince Charming has dirty fingernails, and maybe a few guns, and yeah maybe he's lacking on the charm sometimes. At least my current Prince Charming does/is...but I will NEVER be afraid for my safety with him (or because of him).

Someone should never embarrass you. Someone should never make you feel uncomfortable. No one should ever make you feel unworthy. No one should ever have to wonder if they're good enough. No one should ever have to settle for anything.

My somewhat random thoughts for today...and no, I still haven't started working out again.

"Allergy"

So whatever it is that has me feeling like crap pretty much all the time, I'm ready for it to go away. I'm sniffling, sneezing, sounding like hell and just generally pretty wiped out. Since it's so sporadic, I'm not sure if I'm really sick or I'm allergic to something. But it's been going on for about 3 months, so while I hesitate to say that I'm sick (no "cold" would last this long without making me feel worse) I'm also not sure that there's some random allergen that's hanging around. I sneeze randomly and with great force, and usually in multiples. My eyes normally don't bother me and I normally am not too tired (though my desire for most things athletic has taken a serious nosedive). I'm just snotty and drainy.

I've dusted and vacuummed, and didn't get worse or better. I've been around the dogs dirty and clean and I don't get worse or better (in fact I don't really sneeze around them). I seem to maybe get a bit better throughout the weekend, then by Tuesday I'm back to sounding sick. Is it the canned air in the office? Is it "work"?

I don't know...but I'm sick of feeling, sounding and looking sick.

The elusive beast...

I told you all he exists....I know hardly no one believes me and think I make him up, but it is not so! He stopped by to send me a text message ("text"...ass) and wish me happy birthday. Reality: he was avoiding work. Like hanging around in your vest, uniform, various guns and arresting-paraphernalia is really that comfy and fun. I'm sure that at some point I'll see him in "normal" clothes at some point....soon.

We still have no pictures together and I might've gotten a snarl and scowl for this one, but I needed to prove that he is actually a living, breathing thing.

Twenty Nine years ago TODAY

Actually...fairly close to right now, or just a little bit ago...I arrived. I took my first breath, and wailed my little butt off. My Mom was zonked out for awhile (I think...it was C-section) and my Dad was fishing. Pretty apt if you know him, Dad isn't really an "on time" kinda guy. But then, thinking about it, I'm not usually an early person, but I was that day.

Apparently the world couldn't wait for me. So yeah, 29 years. I'm ok with this one...it's this time next year I'm worried about. You're still allowed to be ridiculous in your 20's (I'm ok saying "late 20's, too). I don't even have to round up to 30 for 6 1/2 months yet.....

Hell, I'm practically still in diapers. More serious reflections later. If only the world had known what it was in for....think my Mom would'a had the longest pregnancy ever?

Promise I'm not crazy...just mad @ the scum of society

From the mouths of babes....praying for the preserverance of the Innocent.

As God's judgement pales in the face of the pain you shall feel, like Hellhounds loosed in the dark night feed on your soul, know that you are pursed by a dark-tinged light that will make you rue the day...

By our hands, His or theirs, you will know your judgement erred, you will know why & you will know yourself never forgiven. Of this I am sure.

I've damned before when I was robbed of my own abilities & coherence. I leave that judgement to Him. In the here & now, away from my past, filth anew... He shall not even have to dirty His hands. May He not be given the opportunity, for respite & mercy would be far too gracious when this heathen has offered no grace. May he suffer without end.

Struggling w/ how much (or how little) is worth putting up with. I've been through some rough stuff on my own - I deserve to be wanted & appreciated if I'm going to take the chance on being with someone.

How much is enough effort...how much is enough time together... What is enough love & thought...what are common goals...

Struggling with being lonely in a relationship. Struggling with working too much. Struggling with not taking enough time for me. Struggling with not being active enough.

Maybe time for change. Scared I'm not strong enough to meet my own needs anymore.

I was wrong...

See previous post.

I was wrong about it sucking (sort of). When I can breathe and look at the computer without my nose dripping I will proffer up a more proper report on the activity of surviving Lake Michigan (and a trip with new girls).

For now - this is the view before/after the race as the wind picked up and blew the fog out over the city..it was an amazing view. Normally amazing from boats and/or the city, but when you're bobbing (or gasping for breath) out in the water it becomes an entirely new definition of awesome. We (humans) did that...all of that - be it good or bad. That's darn impressive when you're paddling along - just you and a swimsuit. So maybe I could've focused on the "task at hand" a bit more in a few points during the morning....whatever.

Looming Big Shoulders...

So...we've officially established that I am fairly worthless as an athlete. I think I'm somewhat naturally inclined as an athlete (despite my physical appearance that would beg to the contrary) and the bunch of years of endurance training (6 in tri since college, cycling last 2 yrs in college - only somewhat endurance - and the swimming for the 10 years through school) probably helps that I can usually survive events despite being horribly under-trained. That said, I'm sick of falling short of my goals and expectations.

But with even that said, I'd like to go out on a limb and note that this weekend will suck. I don't know that there's really any way to be prepared for a 5K swim..scratch that, I know it's possible. But as sure as I am that it's possible, I'm equally sure that I am nowhere near ready for this thing.

As swimming has been "my thing" since I was gnat-high, I'm sure I will survive. (After all, I did survive last year @ Morse with about 3 swims for the year prior...) I'm equally sure that I will have a good time. What I'm not entirely sure of, however, is whether or not I will be pleased with the effort.

Maybe I will just have to work that much harder to drink away my worries and woes both before and after....now if I can just get this travel arrangement thing figured out....it IS tomorrow that I'm to be leaving, after all.....

Thoughts for today....succeed big, or fail bigger.

"It is not the critic that counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles.
Or where the doer of deeds could have done better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement.
And at worst, If he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

— President Theodore Roosevelt, "The Man in the Arena", Paris, 1910

The Rundown

I went horseback riding yesterday. Fun.
I'm at work at 7p and have only "schlepped" for about 15 minutes today. Not fun.
I swam Friday and Saturday morning. Fun.
Spent Friday at the golf course. Fun.
Spent Friday evening at Mudsocks watching idiot girls (and chillin' with some fun clients). Fun-ish.
Spent the rest of Sunday (while not on a horse) on the couch. Boring.
Planted wee-bushes/trees and mums on Saturday. Dirty, but fun.
Went to the Colts Kickoff Luncheon today. Lunched with Lance Bell (I think). Fun.
Am trying to figure out how to NOT work 12 hour days this week and still deliver the deliverables. NOT fun.
Trying to make things right with the Moms. Not fun.
Trying to not bitch endlessly about work.
Last softball game tomorrow night. Bar after. Fun.
IMLou this weekend. Fun.
Have seen DM once in about 2 weeks. Not fun.
Am debating if relationships are worth it. Way not fun.
Am trying to figure out how stress, food, sleep and toilet paper are related in my life. Interesting, but not fun.
Have been listening to endless office gossip about above-mentioned idiot. Not fun.
Putting off grocery shopping - no money. Not fun.
Have been thinking about golf lessons and the upcoming fall & birthday. Fun.
10 year reunion in one month. Fun!
Must stop eating for above. Not fun.
Still haven't picked up the vaccum at Cleary's. NOT FUN.

I want to go home. But I have to finish the Resolution log one more time. Need to update the timeline and get the comparison to print out right. Then, I can MAYBE start on what NEEDED to be done today. It's 7:05p, do you know where your evening is going?

So here's my plan...

...you do a HIM, you suck at it and feel miserably about your performance. You do NOTHING (except two halfway decent swims) for two full weeks and then you go to the Club Championships (an Oly-ish) and you pop out your last race of the year.

And you enjoy the hell out of it.

• You may find out on the way down there that there's mountains in them thar hills...
• You may drop your nutrition w/in the first 5 minutes on the bike...
• Your bus may almost be late and your entire team goes running into transition with 40min to "go"...
• You may feel like the air is dripping, and 90+degrees....
• You may take one look at the "river" (read: gigantic debris field you'll be slogging through) and nearly puke...
• You may ask aloud after a cannon goes off "Was that for us?" and then decide what the hell and dive in...
• You may have to throw a punch (or two) while swimming, to one of your neighbors....
• You may even have to get a slight push up the hill (or two) from one of your teammates...
• You may even run out of gears for what feels like miles and still only have a 17mph avg...
• You may nearly pass out on top of the levy and roll into said river never to be found again...
• You may get panicky once (only once!) while going downhill and without reason grab onto your brakes...
• Your roommate may have stopped 1/2 through the run (because he thought he was done) and then start again 2min later...
• Your friend may have broken nearly every bike part he had...and still finish (with you, nonetheless)...
• Another teammate may have gone skidding along the road on his tail and shoulder, tangled with another idiot who can't hold a line (read: triathlete)....
• You may, once again, wear almost as much Gu2O as you drink....
• You may watch a quiet, 19year-old basketball-playing punk FLY by you going up a massive hill like you're sitting still (oh, and it's his first race...and his dad just went skidding by on his butt)....
• You may even rock out the #14 swim time out of 116 and STILL feel slow....
• You may spend 1:24:42 throwing up in your mouth and sweating mud while cussing your bike gears (again)....
• But you may also get a *free* "mud mask" at a race....
• And you may wind up bathing in a fountain between two government buildings with your old roommate while half-clothed in the middle of a town while chit-chatting....
• You may even, if you're lucky enough, have someone say to you as you walk up to a swim start, "Be careful and walk slow, there's some glass around here...."
• And you may even take a log to the forehead during the .78mi swim...

But you'll enjoy it anyway. After a season of perceived disappointments and giving up, with one bright spot in a race that I historically flop, I had a good day. I'm not thrilled with the time, I didn't feel all that spectacular, and I debated having a chat with the paramedics afterward. And the race was pretty much pure chaos for most of the time we were there....But you know what? I had some fun people at that race with me. I realized, yet again, while it may be an individual sport, but it's a helluva lot more fun with a team. There are people to giggle with as you run by, people to cheer for you when you don't know your own name. There are people to push you up hills, pat you on the butt as they ride by, and drag you along for the last 1/2 mi. There are plenty of people to get beer for, to hand beer to, to yell for if (IF) they win a raffle prize, and people to cut a too-tight hairtie out of your hair. These are your friends.

There are good people everywhere in our sport. They aren't hard to find. If you can shove a bunch of them on a bus (that may or may not have a properly operating door, zipping down the interstate opening itself every once in awhile), put a huge cooler of beer in the bottom of the bus, give them pizza and throw them all into a hotel, I can just about guarantee you'll have a good time.

(Oh, and if you can throw in the opportunity for the ONE black/African/French-speaking guy in all of triathlon to hop out in the middle of Kentucky to stop traffic and guide the bus through a huge tunnel, get lost a couple of times, scare the crap out of some Subway folks in Ohio - I think it was Ohio - and, AND outparty the family reuinion in the hotel lobby....you'll get a few more laughs, too. Just make sure someone can tell the bus driver which way to turn to get back to the cars.)

These are MY people, and I'm so lucky to have them all.

Steelhead RR

I need to go ahead and go through this. I've been putting it off becuase it wasn't a "shining moment" of mine. But I need to relive it and go through it to learn from it to try to prevent the bad parts from happening again....

So..Steelhead, my first M-Dot branded event. It's somewhat of a pilgrimmage from Indy for a ton of people to this race every year. It's a big-ticket day that's close enough to really get to, known for a fast course without too many challenges and some great scenery. Having completed to half-Irons last year, and Muncie again this year (DNF notwitstanding, I was there damnit), I figured that while planning this year I wanted something BIG on the docket. This was to be MY year...where I hit the plans and really trained consistently and solidly throughout the summer to really show up to play at these things. (HA...little did I know...) That strategy may have gotten derailed a bit as I sailed upside-down through the air with my bike in pieces above me...I've struggled this summer, with training consistently and injury, motivation and just really finding the ability to enjoy the sport. But...when you've already signed up and paid the money - you've gotta show up.

We (NB, NC and I - KS following in the Red Baron what turned out to be HOURS later) drove up mid-day on Friday. A quick stop to adjust the bikes at a surprisingly busy sweet corn stand at a church two very aero bikes going a quick-step/chacha on the last 2 rungs of the rack was making me nervous. Got to the expo with little problem (finding a certain Cervelo strapped to the back of a car in Kokomo to follow helped) and proceeded to meander for awhile. Not a bad expo - and I've seen me some expos - with everything pretty well laid-out and available. Course briefing, race talks, packet pick-up & food all in one spot? Heck yeah. There was the obligatory M-Dot merch. - the amount of merchandise kind of makes me nauseous, it's a marketing machine and I think it almost takes the emphasis off the race itself - BUT I GOT THE T-SHIRT MOM?!!! But that's my own person axe-grinding mission. Nice dinner at Tosi's (note: NOT Tosi's Cafe....go 5 miles downstream) w/the Runner's Forum crew and to bed we went.

Ramada in Watervliet, MI is a scary, scary place. Rooms are nice & the water park sounds like fun. The lobby, however, with it's Safari theme & all the dead heads on the wall (not to mention the accompanying pictures of the kill) is a bit much. While not as offended as some, it's still creepy to me. The other annoyance is the group of people hanging out drinking beer & smoking cigarettes right below our window at about 2:30a. I don't like being an ass - but I had to call and ask someone from the front desk to tell them to shut the hell up. This, however, was the good alternative to my initial idea of opening the window & dumping the ice bucket and beer from our room on their heads. I felt it a solid compromise. Anyway, I slept like hell. Good tidings for the wakeup call at 4a.

Got to the race without too much incident, transition set-up fairly seamless (though it appeared even more of a catastrophuck than Chicago's transition chaos). Note to organizers: might consider widening the aisles just a smidge, when someone can't stand on either side and still have a bike squeeze down the middle, it's a bit close. Though that did make for a couple of funny moments in transition - rolling my bike along over wetsuits, clothes, shoes, gus, etc. No one told me there was a balance challenge involved. Started the hike down the beach for the swim start. Wound up cutting the time just a bit close and running from where we were standing to the water's edge with about a minute to spare, but it was all good. Gun goes off and let the fun day begin...

Swim: I got a bit beat up. The waves coming in at an angle were easy to keep an eye on and body surf a bit. I was hanging on the outside of the pack, pacing really well with another girl. Note to self: when keeping an eye on waves, one might also consider the push/pull affect of this - otherwise bumping & almost kissing a chick as you swim along side-by-side can be a bit awkward (though would make for a PHENOMENAL race story). Swimming towards the sun in some reasonably large waves (with red goggles) made the buoys a bit hard to spot. I just kept remembering that the turn buoy was yellow & the rest were orange. Only hard part was that they all looked yellow to me until I was right on top of them. I turned early once, cut directly across the pack of swimmers (sorry girls) and just made an ass of myself. Getting that time back was a bit difficult, but I spent the rest of the swim on the inside aiming directly for the buoys. I probably swam 1.5mi total. Sheesh. At least no chafing from the wetsuit and the water was clear. Oh, and the beach run up to T1 wasn't too bad...just long as hell. Swim: :30:52 (incl. run to T1, was out of the water around/under :29)

T1 - not bad, fairly quick. Wetsuit slid off, threw over rack. Shoes went on, wasn't entirely clear where to go with the bike but followed the herd and whaddaya know - they were right. Hopped on bike and away I went. T1: 3:32 (ouch...not sure where all the time came from other than running from end to end.)

Bike - I hate Michigan. It's a beautiful state, almost everyone I've met is nice, and I have nothing against it as a whole really - except they have shit roads. Seriously...someone needs to take the MDOT to a course on "How to pave". I got the hell beat out of me for about 45 miles. I'm fairly sensitive to getting beat up on the bike (between Saddle Quest 2009 and riding 21mm tires....I'm a tad touchy and sensitive here) and just absolutely lost most of my will to live in the middle of this course. The sun was out, it wasn't too hot and the wind wasn't really bothering me (at that point) so I could have really enjoyed it - except my teeth were rattling, my crotch was burning, and I was soaked (LITERALLY DRIPPING) with Gu2O & water. My rear bottle cages immediately rattled loose (again...PIECE OF SHIT), my aero bars moved...I just couldn't get and stay comfortable. Mixing the bottles become a freaking nightmare and I had forgotten at the beginning of the day to put the rubber bands on the aerobottle too. That might've helped a bit, or it might've just made the thing rattle with the bike more and slosh even more onto me. I don't know, but I know that I didn't get enough calories or hydration on the last 1/2 of the bike course becuase I couldn't hold still enough to put the fluid in the bottle and not on me. This was a HUGE issue (not the calories, the rattling) for me. It got in my head and just derailed the whole race.

When I pulled out of T1 I could tell there was a bit of a breeze picking up, but it didn't seem too bad. I could tell throughout the bike that it was getting a bit heavier, but about the first 3/4 of the bike is with or across the wind (out of the SSW). It's also fairly flat-ish. By that I mean it's not freaking flat at all - but nothing is too out of control. There's a couple small guys where I was able to hop out of my saddle, which was ok becuase it felt good to change up the position a bit and stretch. Mostly it's just a gentle but constant change in elevation. Then you make the turn back onto the highway (I believe MI-13?). Welcome to my hell.

These are hills. They're not steep, most of them aren't super-long (by Silverman comparison), they're actually pretty great road, and on an ordinary day they might be great for training...if it wasn't A)a race, B) the prior 40mi of shit-chatter pavement, C) the 20-25mph direct headwind. Silverman, is that you???? The headwind from hell proceeded to remove all optimism that the shit-pavement had left behind. Slightly encouraged that I still seem to be fairly comparable in the long, grinding hill category with most - I was still passing quite a few people, albeit much slower than in the first few miles headed the other direction on this road. I just kept hearing good, old E-Berger in my ear saying the old college-riding mantras, "Riding on windy days is what makes you a good rider. Don't panic about the speed, don't push too hard, concentrate on good form and consistent effort. Pedal smooth circles and keep your body quiet. Windy days is when training pays off." I repeated that quite a bit, before I just started cussing (eff this, eff, Michigan, eff Steelhead, eff triathlon, effin wind, effin incompetent pavement, effin shins, screw it all). Anyway...that wind just ripped me of my drive and ambition when it came to Steelhead. I would guess that the first 10 - 15 mi of the bike were great as far as speed and effort and power went. The last 15 had quite a few moments where I looked down and saw 6-8mph on my bike computer. IN A FREAKING RACE. Urg.

I made a saddle-height adjustment earlier that week (on the one pre-race ride I did on the new saddle - the only one I did in the entire week and a half pre-race...oops) back very close to where the post was marked from my 'Duza and the fit last year. Voila - seems like a lot of my missing power came back. I think that saved (what little I was saved) me on the hills. However, the unintended part of this is that I've spent all season training in a sub-par position - with quads, glutes and hams all doing the bike work. Lifting myself back into a good aero-position shifts all the bike work to my quads, saving the glutes and hams for the run. This spells good things for running - but not great things for a hilly ride at race-pace (which resembled snail pace at the end, but whatever). Note to self: DUMBASS - don't make pre-race changes that haven't been trained on, even if they are for the best. It might've been smarter for me to drop my saddle back down a bit until I could put more quality time in that position. Maybe would've had the same result though, since the run went to shit anyway....Nutrition on the bike was so-so. Gel/hr philosophy still works, bottle/hr works well, too. ~225 calories or so makes my body fairly happy. Bike: 3:02:44

T2 - came rolling in through the park entrance just ready to be done. Figured a short distance back to T....I clearly missed a bit of that headed in when it was still dark. I felt like I was in the "chutes" forever! Ran right past my transition zone by a bit....no big deal. Got bike put back, shoes off and whatnot. Wasn't really hurrying (time clearly shows that). Took the time to drink a bit, get a couple of salt tabs out, tuck gels and put on hats and apparently took a nap and had a nice tea party as well...T2: 5:15

Run - About halfway through the bike leg I could've told you the run wasn't going to go well. Getting the crap beat out of me in previous races has made for a bit of a choppy stomach. Gulped down a bit of water and 2 salt tabs headed out of T2, gel not too much later. (Remember that caloric deficiency on the bike? Yeah....) Just felt pretty cruddy in general. Tried to get the HR down a bit and just relax. I've done this long enough to know the first 1-1.5mi sucks. I generally try to just stay calm and not think about it. There's a fairly impressive hill at about .9mi on this course. Up until that point - while my shins were tightening up - I was in a decent rhythm nonetheless. Hit the hill and got to watch some of the pros coming in - that was nice. Anyway...the hill sapped me and I figured it might be a good idea to walk up the hill. It's a long run and this is mile 1, you know? So I'm doing some breathing, watching the pros, trying to relax. Get to the top and start chugging along again. Then starts the typical parade of people ripping by me,demoralizing. My head wasn't in the game - I was aggravated from the bike and just didn't feel good. I let it get to me and just pretty much gave up. Was floundering a bit, right shin just kept getting tighter and tighter. (left one, which is where the issue was at Muncie, was just freaking fine, damnit)

Just shy of mile 2, my New Friend Mary came along (#51). Mary was in wave 3, wasn't having the best day either, but Mary's a freaking miracle. I think this was Mary's 4th Steelhead. She's headed up to Madison for IMMOO here in awhile (I think). Mary pretty much grabbed me by the hair, made me her charity cause and drug me through the rest of the race by my hair. Mary is - in essence - the reason I finished the race. She caught me (again, since I had just shuffled by her a couple minutes earlier) right after my first crying & self-pity party. We spend the next 2 hours together, chatting about kids, life, racing, philosophies, bastard shins & good friends. Mary's got some good friends. Mary picked up a couple of other people along the way, too. I never got the other lady's name, she didn't get too engaged in the conversation, but she hung in there really close to us the rest of the way from about mile 8 on. Mary doesn't let people drop. I got to the point around 7 or 8 where I could've picked it up a bit, but in the end I don't think it would've made much of a difference to my time. (It still would've been disappointing to me) Instead, I ran from somewhere around mile 2 all the way to the finish line with Mary. She said I made the time go faster. But she saved my day. We all need a Mary every now and then. And people like Mary are why I do these things and don't give up. Mary even made BM, who was suffering greatly, feel a bit better about the day and keep pushing along. Mary was, without a doubt, my favorite part of Steelhead. The run was uneventful - we walked the aid stations (plus a bit when she would let me get away with it) and we walked up the big-ass, gnarly, bastard hill (twice). We picked it up for about the last 3/4mi, and we even caught the chick in the skirt that had passed (went "flying past") Mary somewhere in the first mile. Dumb, young girl....she was still chugging but didn't look like she was having as much fun as we were. AP ran for about 1/2mi with us around 11-12 or so - rocking the Ibuprofen rattle from the backpack, chatted a bit about the TnT folks there and the season (he was there for the bike wreck). Mary and I finished together just as it started to sprinkle rain. Run: 2:31:07.

Overall - 6:13:28 - NOT a challenging bike course phsyically, not an overly challenging run course outside of the 2 hills. Both are fairly pretty and good experiences. Mentally the bike course's a bitch. Keep your head in the game over that chatter-crap and you'll be in a good spot. Me? Michigan can have their shit-for-pavement and what it does to me. Michigan can have the weird weather (at least in Muncie I KNEW it was going to rain and be hella windy at some point). I won't be racing in Michigan again until someone can prove to me that there is indeed a smooth road.

Steelhead wasn't as great a challenge as I expected it to be. I was disappointed in all the M-Dot hype as it turned out to really not be that tough. Maybe it's because I've run the whole gamut of experiences now - the tiny, fun, outrageous sprints that start/end at a bar (Florabama), the HUGE Oly races (Accenture CHI) where it's a HUGE event, the tiny HIM and full (Great Illini) with hardly anyone there, the local sprint that becomes a HUGE deal with first-timers (EC Sprint), the exciting full w/the super-challenging course (Silverman) with great local support and the medium-sized/large race with an enormous amount of publicity (LTF in MSP) and a huge pro field and the local race with a TINY pro field that doesn't have much support but has HUGE weather challenges (Muncie). Steelhead was kind of a been-there, done-that experience. I felt it was more hype than anything else and while I can appreciate that some people need/want that, I don't think I do. Maybe I was just mentally in a bad spot for the race. But between the bad weather, the bad time and the bad feelings, the hype and commercialism just annoyed me.

I won't be back to Steelhead, but I might be convinced to go sherpa. I just didn't get my almost $300 worth out of the race - either in challenge or good-time experience. It was a rough day, but that's sorta been the theme this season. I feel like I've struggled since the bike wreck - both in motivation and health. I'm disappointed in my results from Steelhead - it's the slowest half I've done, with better weather, better bike position and less injury than others. I feel like a total heel being disappointed in a finish - but I had such great expectations early in the year that it's just not what I had hoped. So...I regroup, head to the MERCRS champs this weekend (an OLY!! Finally an OLY...well, almost an Oly...with a short - and potentially cancelled! - swim...but still....an Oly-ish!!!) and finish the season. I'm hopeful that I can have a good time at this race - I haven't touched my bike since Steelhead, I haven't run since Steelhead, I've only swam a couple times since Steelhead.

So that was Steelhead....but on the bright note - the bike looked badass and the pizza/pasta post-race (although soggy as hell) was good. And I had good friends along, which always makes even the worst race a little better. Jeebus, why can't I write a race report in under 17 pages?!?!?

Sheesh...

I'm a slacker. But I'm getting through life. Work is stress through-the-roof and there's not much leftover energy for the rest of life right now. I've not really done anything but swim a couple of times since Steelhead. The MERCRS champs this weekend could be funny.

I really fucking hate difficult people. Who just want to be difficult to be difficult. Beady, weasel-eyed asshats.

Just for Today....

Just For Today I will live one day only, forgetting yesterday and tomorrow, and not trying to solve the whole problem of life at once.

Just For Today I will be unafraid of life and death; unafraid to enjoy the beautiful and be happy. People are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just For Today I will adjust myself to what is, and try not to make everything over to suit me. If I cannot have what I like, I will try to like what I have.

Just For Today I will be agreeable, cheerful, charitable, do my best, praise people for what they do, not criticize them for what they cannot do; and if I find fault, I will forgive it and forget it. I will try not to improve or regulate anybody except for myself.

Just For Today I will have a plan. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have one. It will save me from worry, hurry and indecision.

Just For Today I will get off my nerves and not get on theirs. I will appreciate them for what they do and what they are.

Just For Today I will not show it if my feelings are hurt.

Just For Today I will find a little time for quiet, to relax and to realize what life is and can be, and get a better perspective of myself.

Just For Today I will look at life with fresh eyes and discover the wonder of it; I will knw that as I give to the world so the world will give to me.

A real fighter passed on after inspiring many to stand up and fight against cancer. I just learned about this amazing woman and the things she inspired so many to do. I shamelessly pulled the above out of the comments left on her husband's post notifying the world of her lostwon battle. Susan, live among the stars and watch your work be done for you.

www.fatcyclist.com - Livestrong Challenge - www.livestrongchallenge.org - Team Fatty

Grumble....

I'm somewhat aggravated with the world right now, so I'm holding off on the Steelhead report for now. "If you don't have anything nice to say...." blah blah blah.

Stay tuned. It's not going to be pretty, but maybe it'll be a bit more positive with a bit more time.

I'm looking forward to getting moving again and not putting any pressure on myself or having any expectations. I want to get back to where I'm "me" again and can race (live) with a smile on my face.

I'm not there right now.

Training and Such

I've not listed anything about the bastard training plan or what I've been doing lately. That's my fault because I'm just kind of tired and over it. I'm ready for Steelhead to come and go. (Spoken like someone truly suffering through a taper, eh?) I don't deal well with tapers and this is no exception. Not that a week-long taper on less-than-ideal training makes much of a difference, but still....so it's been going. I'll save the training plan and what I actually did somewhere for reference...and I do have the actual training log.

I'm just not feeling it and am ready to escape this season and get my legs back. The upside is that the bike is lookin' hot for this weekend. The downside is that I had hoped to be looking much hotter than anticipated.

Anxious about the weekend, hoping to just survive and come in around the same time. Hoping to not damage my shins or feet anymore and have fun. Then shift focus to the other stuff that WILL be fun.....

Blah Blah Blah

You don't want to read it? Don't f-ing read it. You wind up clicking and reading it anyway and it's somehow someone else's fault and you feel the need to post a stupid little comment somewhere about how worthless and useless it is for people to have these stupid blogs anyway, since they're apparently doing no one ELSE any good. Seriously?

You think I'm the narcissist becuase I write the damn thing? How 'bouts you take a look in the mirror - Mr. Poor Little F-ing Me Who Wasted My Time Reading Someone Else's Ramblings And Now Needs To Bitch To The Rest Of The World About MY Time Being Lost And Those Narcissistic Bastards That Did It???

You don't want to do the race...you don't sign up (no one makes you). You don't want to eat the steak....you don't order it (no one makes you). You don't want to have a job...you get welfare (no one makes you). You don't want to waste your time...don't click on the damn link....I DIDN'T MAKE YOU.

But since you're here.....I will now laugh at you. SUCKA.

Enough said....

NYT/WSJ: CDC Data Analysis Shows Significant Increase in Medical Costs to Treat Obesity
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said medical costs to treat obesity may have reached as much as $147 billion in 2008 (compared to as much as $78.5 billion in 1998). The CDC analysis found obesity rates increased by 37% between 1998 and 2006. Obese Americans spent about 42% more on health care than normal-weight Americans in 2006. Medical costs to treat obesity increased to 9.1% of all U.S. medical costs in 2006 (compared with 6.5% in 1998). Prescription drug costs accounted for much of the increase.

Who the hell are you listening to Barry?

The House Ways and Means Committee and the Education and Labor Committee (two of three House Committees working together on health reform legislation) took the first step towards passage of health reform legislation in the House by voting on Friday to approve the "America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009" (H.R. 3200), which will be financed in part by a $540 billion surtax on high-income households. The House Energy and Commerce Committee is still meeting on the bill, with a combination of Republican and so-called "blue dog" Democrats seeking a number of key changes.

The "America's Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009" was amended separately by the House Ways and Means Committee and the Education and Labor Committee (so are no longer identical), but both include provisions for an employer mandate, individual mandate, creation of an Insurance Exchange, development of a government sponsored public plan, and insurance market reforms.

In a blow to the bills’ cost containment claims, Congressional Budget Office (CBO) head Douglas Elmendorf testified last Thursday that the bills, as currently structured, would more likely lead to an increase rather than a decrease in the health care cost spiral.

Over the weekend, a number of state governors voiced their concern about increased state costs for expansion of Medicaid. The House bill would increase Medicaid eligibility by about 11 million people with a 10 year cost in excess of $400 billion.

Last month, Aon Consulting asked more than 1,100 employers for their opinions about key issues in the health reform debate. Among the findings were:

• 93% favor continuing an employer-based health system to increase the insured population, but with a greater focus on wellness and chronic condition management and evidence-based medicine guidelines.
• 81% oppose having a national government-sponsored public health plan similar to Canada’s.
• 63% oppose an employer mandate.
• 54% say Congressional modification of ERISA preemption would lead them to reexamine their health coverage options. Another 22% would likely terminate group health coverage altogether.

Exactly who are the Representatives Representing? Their constituents or their "President"? Is the President leading a democracy of opinion or trying to democratize his opinion?

The Lesson for Today...

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism would work and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on such a Socialist-style plan". All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

As the late Adrian Rogers said, "You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

We are a sick population...

I'll never say I'm super-skinny. I won't even say I'm skinny. I'm cool with what I am and I know that I'm a fairly healthy person. I'm a tad curvy and sure if you look at all the books and charts and whatnot I could stand to lose a few but my body is apparently very happy right where it is. I weigh 163lbs....I've weighed between 158 and 163 now since mid-December. Despite marathon training, feast and famine...my body is pleased with right around here. And I'm not too displeased. We all have these insane notions embedded into our heads bred from Barbie childhoods and supermodel America. But you know what? I'm not buying it anymore and I think if I weighed much less I wouldn't look good. I have big bones too, dude! Anyway....point of this paragraph: I'm pretty pleased with where I'm at and I know it isn't too far one way or the other.

But WOW...I look around and all I see are these really big people. BIG people. I mean, whoa, big people. Now, if you live a decent life and you make healthy decisions, I understand that there are things beyond our control. You have babies - your body changes. Your body has a different purpose and that's cool, it adjusts. You get older - your body changes. Your body again has a different purpose (no longer the instinctual mission of being THE hunter/gatherer or protector) and that's cool, it adjusts. But we have an issue here - we reinforce the changes and allow them to happen by reinforcing our poor decisions with bad eating and sedentary lifetstyles. Ever wonder how much of life you're REALLY missing by watching the world go by from the sofa or behind the computer monitor or in front of the PS3? Or how much of the enjoyment is being taken out of food by eating it while we drive constantly and not taking the time to think about it?

I just wonder - with all the shows like Biggest Loser and Ruby and whatever other "Fat People" shows you can imagine - whether we as a society and world are bringing the appropriate light to celebrate people making positive changes, or celebrating the poor decisions that necessitate change in the first place?

I applaud people making any sort of "positive" decision towards their health - be you skinny, chubby, yellow or blue - whatever. A healthy decision is a healthy decision and that's a good thing for any and everyone. But as I stood in the parking garage looking out the window waiting on the elevator (7th floor - shin splints, excuses yes, but also 2/3 of a half-Ironman last weekend, kiss it) after getting chewed out by the 2 "larger" ladies who actually had to walk around the front of my car and step up on the curb with the stroller instead of the handicap ramp, I just saw all these BIG people walking to the office buildings. Every single person was big save for the ONE guy that was jogging down the sidewalk - playing dodge'em with the chubbies.

It's mean and I'm sorry, but come on society - straighten up. Don't bitch about the fat kids if you're not willing to lose a few and make the right decisions yourselves. Go walk with your kids, take a hike, park out in the parking lot further, take the stairs, print to the far printer, stop smoking, drink another glass of water instead of soda, hell - eat a vegetable, PUT DOWN THE FRIED FOOD AND STEP AWAY, maybe even just take a deep breath of fresh air. And about that "pain" of going to the gym and working out? That's your body thanking you for giving it the opportunity to live. Yeah, it hurts or is at least a little uncomfortable to workout sometimes. IT"S SUPPOSED TO BE.

Can you imagine how skinny I would be if I didn't enjoy eating so much? Life doesn't have to be about depravity, just about balance. I'm just sad about it, about losing all of these people. I'm hoping that something changes. If not, survival of the fittest yo.

And if I pissed you off - yeah, I'm rude. Yeah, I'm crass. Yeah, I'm blunt and honest. But you know what? I'm healthy. Go step on a scale or take a look at your workout log and then let's talk.

Word of the Day...

Catastrophuck - from ST itself, word used to describe the potential for a NYC IM race and the sure state of affairs as a result of attempting to shuttle ~2k athletes so forth and yon for bikes and whatnot, not to mention traffic and logistics of the rest of the day itself.

Can also be used to describe myriad aspects of my life.

Muncie Endurathon - RR

Preface: Muncie was not to be an "A" race. Muncie was to be a nutrition check and a "systems check" to see how I was feeling at the prescribed HIM distances. Three weeks out from the "A" race I knew that it was just to be a sort of dress rehearsal, smack in the middle of some heavy-ish training (for this year, anyway) and I wouldn't really be that rested. What I didn't plan on, however, was being injured. Talk about a wrench in the gears....

The Freedom Run brought on some interesting pain in my left shin. Where did it come from - this 3in. below my knee on the inside pain - what is it and how do I get it to go away NOW? I started asking people about shin splints - what do they feel like, where are they, "how" do they hurt and how do you get them to go away NOW? Last Thursday's track workout had me worrying about my left shin - the pain while running was a bit more intense (though still not really hurting while walking) and it was hurting on the impact while running. I scaled back the workout a bit, dropped some intensity and distance and went about fretting. Friday did some internet searching - medial shin splints - and how/what to do to get them to go away NOW. Then I set to fretting about Muncie. Do I do it at all? Will I hurt myself more (it's a hilly run...)? What if I just go kinda easy? Is it smart? How quickly can I recover? Had the brilliant idea of wearing my calf sleeves to kinda mediate the problem a bit and just play it by ear. But because I can't locate my uber-cool red ones and was a bit nervous about the 2XU ones in the heat (and my feet popping off if they swelled at all and those dumb things got even TIGHTER) so I wound up purchasing a pair of Zoot socks to put on (and entertain the crowds) in T1. I don't care if I look like a 'tard, if it helps preserve my oh-so-delicate physical and mental state for Aug. 1, ok.

After a night of hilarious mechanical prep - changing my tires (Tangente - zipp tires on H3 wheels...ha...I laugh at the universe shaking it's head), Garvins changing wheels, changing my tube (after changing the tire - we'll try not to blame LG) - and not getting to bed early (of course) - and only marginal sleep (holy snot and headache, batman) - it's off to the race-site at 5:20a.

The good news: they changed the forecast while we (struggled to) sleep. They cleared the early morning of rain and storms, now it only looks sketch after about 10-11a (40%). Good deal, they've even backed down the wind a bit - max looks around 15mph in mid-day. Rock on.
The bad news: the weather people stand blindfolded and throw a dart for each hour. They then throw a dart at a percentage. They combine the two and someone plays "pick a number" and voila! A forecast is made.....Muncie is a bad-weather MAGNET on race day, lest ye ever forget.

Get to race site, get things laid out (remember to turn running shoes upside down in case of rain. Decide against putting them in grocery sack to stay dry - it isn't supposed to rain until later and they shouldn't get THAT wet. Note to self: weather people suck.) and head off to get marked up and find a bathroom. Amazingly, I manage to get all things accomplished - a rare feat on race morning. Some pre-race consultation with some runner-friends (Runner's Forum Rocks) and I decide to play it safe - I'm giving the run a mile or two to feel ok - if it hurts on every impact, or hurts and gets worse, I'm making like a fat kid in dodgeball. Pull the chip and number and spend my trip back to transition cheering on the others. I still plan to charge fairly/kinda hard on the swim and the bike and follow the nutrition plan. (Additional note to self: DO NOT ask LGarvin "trispoke or regular". Response will be - even if you aren't - you'll look fast. This does NO GOOD in a howling wind. Will to live will be sucked from body as shoulders and arms and hips tighten massively while trying to maintain bike position and stay on the road. When in doubt, laugh in LGarvin's face and go regular spokes. The more wind-splitting, swerve-avoiding spokes the freaking better, at least on the front wheel. Looking fast while crying is UTTERLY POINTLESS, and as the old guy cruises by you and you're vociferously cussing all living, breathing things that have conspired against you on this ugly morning, you will take no solace in entertaining the masses at this moment.) So....away we go.

Swim - So it's a tad windier than expected. I like rough water, I'm good in rough water. Who the crap put that buoy on the other side of the lake and WHY? No worries...swim to the sailboat, hang a Ralphie. Got it. Muncie always has a bit of a melee start to me, my wave is always mixed in with the punk-ass boys (and I do mean boys...as they're usually the young punks)that think they can swim (and usually can). So I get elbowed out of the way by all the taller, leaner, younger, triangle-shouldered punks and a lot of chicks and the gun goes off. It's fairly evident fairly early that this is NOT going to go according to the normal plan. The course is flanked by intermittent, small orange buoys (not to be mistaken with the HUGE yellow guy that we're actually swimming toward before we can turn). There's a wind blowing anything and everything diagonal across the course - meaning it's also blowing everyONE diagonal across the swim course. I swim a pretty straight line in most conditions (not sure why/how, it just normally happens) - but when I'm getting pushed back and forth by random people swimming across my bow AND my stern, I get freaked. The chop is pretty heavy and sighting is, well, sighting is a bitch. But plow on like the little tugboat that could I do. I work on my form for awhile, watching the crowd move from one side of me to the other. I take a minute to actually make sure the sailboat IS by the buoy and I chug ahead. I get hit a couple of times, I run into a couple of slow-moving vessels ahead. I take note of the vast distances between the safety groups on pontoons. I also note that the lifeguards standing on the pontoons is kind of a good idea - them being above the water and able to see the people flailing and all....A gazillion years later and a few tacks (my "swimming fairly straight" was all outta whack, but luckily I don't think I went too far...just a bit wonky compared with everyone else...but I still think everyone else swam a really odd course) I found the buoy and made my right turn. Lucky for me, I made this turn with Father Time (I shit you not) on one side of me and Pokey the Puppy (dude seemed content to take in the sights) on the other. Fairly insulated, except after the turn everyone decided to go sideways. Pokey slams into Father Time and my lane disappears. I'm left clawing over two old, hairy guys and just want out of the way. I'm still kind of uneasy, not really breathing that well and all. But this part of the course went great....fairly smooth sailing (seems appropriate, as sailboats line most of the swim course - makes for easy targets to stay between). Hit the other very large yellow buoy and turn towards shore. Somehow, I got the living hell beat out of me at the second buoy. Chicks laying into me, dudes swimming on my legs...weird. As I was debating swinging at ping-pong girl, who had swam into me 3 times in as many breaths, she promptly disappeared....these guys have a great thing about back an ambulance down towards the bank and roaring the lights. Good thing, those are great to swim towards. Not sure if everyone else was getting pushed by the wind/water, or swimming to the little orange buoys, but I wound up about 20 yds inside of everyone else and started to get a little weirded out (maybe swimming straight isn't the best idea?) I came up on another random slow swimmer who pummeled me (seriously dude, two of us in 20 yds and you manage to totally GRAPPLE my boob?) and finally felt like I was making headway. Cruised up to shore where yet ANOTHER poor swimmer decided he was ALL ABOUT swimming to the right - when I was right next to him. Whammo - into me. Finally got my feet under me and started heading uphill - while giving Mr. Cool Wetsuit a really nasty look and debating taking him out.

It was not a good swim for me. The time wasn't bad, the course felt interminable and the waves pummeled me. I didn't ever get settled into a rhythm so I think my form was WAY off. Altogether, not a great way to start the day, but at least it was over and it wasn't raining yet. Off to the bike. Swim: 36:49.81 (out of the water around 35:14...there's a long uphill run to the mat)

T1
Fairly uneventful, despite the hilarity of trying to get the Zoot socks on. Put the R one on the L foot, cussed and had to unroll it and start over. Note to self: check R/L PRIOR to putting on. Slammed my feet in my shoes, a little velcro action and away I go. Had a giggle as I was announced as "The Legendary AW"....did a slow, cautious mount on the bike (I was that stop and step-over person, after all - I'm not in a hurry remember....) and off. T1 - somewhere around two or three minutes...not in a hurry. Socks = slow. Wear sleeves during swim.

Bike
Immediately started chugging right along, feeling pretty good on the bike. Spent some time grappling with my sunglasses but I won the war. Noticed that I was picking some guys off - chicking guys is fun. LGarvin and I climbed on our bikes at the same time - but skull disc man was off like a rocket. Muncie's first few miles are just my dream ride. You have a few little rollers to settle in and warm up, then you turn on the Cardinal Greenway (read: bike path) and it's just awesome. It's slightly downhill and easy to just cruise a good cadence and fly. I caught LGarvin on the path and decided he was smarter than I, so I settled in behind him and just cruised. I could already feel the wind - NOT GOOD - and knew that life would change for the worse once the highway arrived. Reminded myself to not blow up and not go crazy, ride within myself and just "get through it"....hit the highway (and the wind) and just settled back in and kept plowing along. Saddle was already starting to bother me a bit by about 15mi (note to self: find a new damn saddle) - bad sign. Was just cruising along, kept an eye on my speed and my legs, finished the first bottle at 57:00 (right on schedule), grabbed a gel at a few minutes after the hour and just kept humming along. Didn't push the uphills too hard, just stayed aero and kept an eye on my cadence. Green Steve goes cruising by, bunch of other guys mashing along. Wind is picking up. I grabbed a bottle of water at the second aid station, figured it would be good to have on board to mix the new bottle around 1:00. Mixed it up around 1:10, it was weak but whatever. Computer briefly left the building for a few miles very early on, so I just kept an eye on my speed and my watch and guesstimated around where I was. Then the wind went nuts. It was just off my right shoulder and gusty. With the heli rotors for wheels this was NOT a fun ride. Made it to the turnaround after fighting straight into it for a few miles, then turning and REALLY fighting a direct sidewind. (Damn you, LGarvin) Got stoked because the run back has more down that up and if all held would have more tail than head or side wind. Saw a rather nasty-looking cloud standing in my way, but didn't see any lightning and didn't hear thunder. The sprinkles started literally at the turnaround. No worries, as it stayed light for a long time. A little cooling-off, I'm cool with that. Starting to hurt in earnest now, the hoo-ha is NOT happy and the hips are starting to tighten. But I'm headed for the barn. Then it starts to just rain. Not a happy, summer rain, an "I want you off the road" rain. One flash of lightning, one crack of thunder, and a whole lotta rain. I'm past halfway, there's no other way in, I might as well keep going. Fighting gnarly winds and cussing up a storm. I hit an "Ironman-style" low (never happened to me on a ride so "short") and was just struggling, Knew I didn't have a full 13mi in me after the ride, didn't want to quit, didn't have it mentally. Just a shitty day. Kept pedalling, knew my time wasn't going to be great, everything hurt and I just got pissed. Then i hit the rough pavement and I just sunk. I wanted off the bike, I wanted in bed. I wanted away from where I was. Due to the wind and having to fight I didn't get a gel at 2:00, and didn't get the chance to mix the other bottle - prolonged "letting go" of the bars wasn't an option. I was able to grab a gel at some point and the caffeine helped a lot. Thought I might be able to run. I fought through my own self and made it to the line and just literally got through it. I survived, but that's about it. Bike: 3:00:30 (includes T1)

Run
Didn't have it. Knew it from the get-go. Was planning on a 4mi shakeout run. Figured I would "give it a mile" like I told WGarvin I would. My Running Saviour called out as I dropped over the hill and asked how I was feeling - "eh" - and told me to be smart. There's nothing wrong with being smart. I chugged along for about a half mile, the shoulders loosened up, the back and hips loosened up - this was great. My shin wasn't even pounding yet. Still raining, cold, and really windy. Cruising along at a slow, slow pace and just trying to feel it out. Telling myself it's 4mi. If I feel better I can keep going. About 3/4 in my left shin just screams. I walk for a little bit and stretch and breathe and wiggle and just "relax"....I start a little runny run run and then my right shin starts to tighten up. I run through it for apx. 30 seconds then just got pissed and stopped. Pulled my chip and my number off, turned around and started back to the barn. Just didn't have the fight in my dog. Mentally and physicall got my ass kicked by the rain and the wind and my bike and myself. Limped back with the crazy Hawaiian with the HOT wife who was running great and just making an ass outta himself cheering on everyone - he'll never know how much he helps those of us running - but he has an idea. Limped back to the Iron-Umbrella and got some reassurance. My race was over. Hung out and watched a bunch of the finishers and then realized I was getting cold. Still raining, still winding, and I'm getting cold. Then realized I wouldn't have anything dry. GRUMBLE. But I hung out for awhile and watched and cheered and had a good time. Did a lot of stretching and just kept repeating "right decision".

It sucks - I'm not a quitter, but it was the right decision. Muncie is about $160, Steelhead is almost $300. If I'm going to "show up" to play on Aug 1 I want to do so as healthy as possible. That means sacrificing the shitty weather and mediocre race I was delivering. Still hard to say "DNF".....but I realized afterward that I don't have to prove anything to anyone except myself.

I've gotten through much worse. I did what I showed up to do. It's a shame I couldn't do more and I'll live with that, but no one really thinks worse of me, and I know I could do it. I WILL do it, in 3 weeks. Why does it take so long to explain so little?