It's full-blown winter and I have sunk down to that low place where I don't often find myself. Wallowing, pity parties and just a general listless depression pretty much describe where I'm at. Worse: I've been here for awhile, making a bunch of those around me miserable. Top it off: to a degree I've done this to myself. Icing on the cake: I'm having a tough time pulling out of it.
Before Silverman I tweaked my normal cycle to avoid having an even more unpleasant day in the middle of the desert - some things just don't belong in Special Needs bags. Ever since I've had things off-kilter with the when and the how. I've done this before and if I get back on track w/in a month things usually just work out in the end, maybe a rough month but nothing serious. It's now been since the end of October and I'm still not back on the regular cycle - which means that chemically my body is a mess. And it's finally caught up to me.
I'm emotionally a wreck. I'm normally good at fighting off the depression that nags at me from time-to-time. I keep lashing out at people and just generally being in a crap-tastic mood. Don't want to do anything and feel pretty sorry for myself most of the time. It's taken me longer to realize what's going on and why this time and I still can't seem to fight out of it.
Worst: I think I've ruined what was a good thing before I even realized what I was doing. I've pretty much been making Dan miserable for the past month or so - nagging & bitching & whining - I would've left me a long time ago. I've not been listening when we've been talking. And now I accomplished what I was unwittingly trying to - I've apparently chased him away.
Given the chance, now that I know what's going on, I want nothing more than to reach out and apologize and ask for help. I've been playing with fire and ignoring what I know the consequences of that are. I've been down this road before and it's never really pleasant. I'm equally certain that if I did talk to him he would understand, I just hope I get that chance.
Meanwhile I know what to do, keep pushing through and stay busy. For the next month or so I need to just keep my head above water, let things come back down to an even keel of normal. And when it does get bad (as it is tonight) to sometimes go with the flow and sleep or just stay quiet. Mostly, to just keep pushing through.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Depression is a daily battle that sometimes you can get ahead of, but never really goes away. I don't want to call Dan - I want this all to have been a joke and he will have been enjoying his vacation and he'll call. I'm being a stubborn damn mule and I'm aware of that, too. I despise admitting I'm wrong, especially when it means admitting a weakness. In some instances, though, it's necessary.
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