(sigh)

Nighttime is the worst. I just want the security & comfort I never knew I was missing. The warmth of knowing someone is right there if you have a bad dream, they'll hold you if a storm comes in, that if you need anything they'll help however they can. I lie here cold & uncomfortable, wishing to hear the rhythmic breathing of someone to lull me to sleep & body heat to not feel so alone.

It's nighttime that I didn't know was the worst & I didn't know what I was missing. I do now.

I miss what walked away. But what's more, I'm afraid I pushed away what I miss the most before I even knew what I was doing.

Sleeping on a couch freezing never felt so good. My question left behind is what I miss most.

I'm afraid the answer is something I never knew I would miss.

The new baby...

Better known as "why I'll be eating ramen noodles & soup for the next ten years" or "getting back to my athletic habits because I can't afford to anything else ever again" or maybe even "guzzling gas faster than Mom can fill it 2010."

I drove in for an oil change & out with a "new" car. It's a few years old, has a buncha (51k) miles on it & might have a few tiny imperfections. But...it's MY new baby & she's quite a princess & has some cute little bells & whistles. I'm excited, if not consistently in debt.

Sunday....of nothing.

I'm thankful for my life ability to hit 'stop' every now & then & just relax. Interpret as lazy if necessary. Could also have synonyms of moping & depression, "wallowing" might come close depending on the moment. My own little weird way of dealing with this for right now. It's close to relaxing, but it's more along the lines of just "shut down". Staring into space & just not really thinking much. This is how we deal with pain in my family. We kind of hole up, tell the world to go away & do it alone. I'm sick to death of telling the story, because I have to relive it each time & it's not helping. I'm sick of the constant motion that the rest of the world (read: friends & loved ones) are trying to keep me in...it's almost as painful for me to pretend I'm fine as to retell the story & then I just have to deal with people looking at me all sad. I just want, for the moment, to sit & be alone. Reflect on what isn't here, what's lost & be sad about it for awhile. It's my grief, no one can make it any better for now. Well, one person could, but he's not & I'm trying to accept that. I'm stuck with some serious confusion about what's going on & if/how/what could've been done & why it wasn't discussed earlier. None of it's doing much good, but it'll help me come out the other side of this.

I'm thankful (list item #2) for my air conditioner. It's HOT outside & I know it's working hard. It's lame, but it's something I'm thankful for & that's all that counts.

I'm also thankful for my puppies. They're sticking pretty close to me at the moment, knowing that something's up. Kinda makes me laugh, but they're comforting nonetheless. They're complicating the hell out of this Cleveland thing, finding a place that'll allow 100lbs of dog (not to mention the shedding or that it's TWO dogs) is challenging. But....the dogs are unconditional love. Vivi's agitated at this disruption - she knows someone is missing & isn't as receptive to me at the moment (my fault, apparently) but the other is sticking quite close & giving me some additional loving.

That's my Sunday. Searching for a place to live, being mopey & reclusive & thinking about what's next. Trying to get off my butt to go to the driving range & then to downtown to pick up my computer/work for the coming week - since I fly out early tomorrow. Back to the grind that I think got me dumped to begin with. Awesome.

Thankful List

To keep myself headed in the direction I need to be - even if it feels like everything else is pulling me in the exact opposite direction. I'm listing three (3) thinks I'm thankful for. Maybe this will be a daily thing - maybe not.

1. My friends - this is the most emotional pain I've ever had. My heart has been ripped out & discarded like old newspaper. But my friends, the community of people that love (ha) & care about me have risen up & surrounded me with nothing but love & support. In fact, they kinda won't leave me alone...but this is a thankful list soni digress...

2. My job - I have a good job & work with good people. I feel fairly secure in this job (for now) & am confident that I can use this job & new opportunity to elevate my career

3. My strength - for obvious reasons. Often translated as cockiness, pushiness, ignorance, determination, selfishness or stubbornness, this is the reason I am myself & I am able to not doubt my survival in this heartbreak. Ive been through worse by myself - this is nothing. I pray to keep the strength to be vulnerable & allow myself the possibility to get hurt again. This appear insurmountable at the moment, but this too shall pass.

I am what I am because of these things above. I will plow through & come out the other side of this cloud of pain & betrayal & insecurity & abandonment. I will keep myself intact & I will be a better person for this difficulty. I will be thankful for the difficulty & the pain, it means I'm living with passion, purpose & emotion. Without these, surely how gray & boring life would be.

Hurt

I have very few words. This was intended to be just a bit of a quick vent since I'm CLEARLY not effing asleep (having your heart ripped out & stomped on will do that to you.) but I'm not even sure that I have a ton to vent. I'm just heartbroken & angry & really, really lost feeling. I have negative words to say but they're a result of the anger.

Fool & Coward are the only two I can really throw out there right now.

I'll figure out at some point how we got from talking about engagement rings to not being able to live away from family to a job offer to moving out in just a few days at some point. For right now...I'll just work on figuring out how to keep breathing & stop crying, & how to do all the things planned for 'us'.

Never put your own happiness in someone else's hands.

Angry & hurt & really, really scared. Damnit. Cue pity looks & insincere hugs while people whisper platitudes & then mention behind my back that it was too fast & he was too young.

So glad I now get to turn 30 single & move to a whole new city at the same time. Effing awesome. Excuse me while I'm a bit bitter for awhile.

I miss...

I just miss C & my dogs. I miss smiling around the house & snuggling watching tv. I miss rushing home for bike rides & coming in stinky from a run or exhausted from a long swim. I miss being picked on. I miss doing these random things & drinking beer with my best friend(s). I miss being the person with too much to do in my social life to fit in too much work in my career. I miss being who I want to be & who im supposed to be instead of who I have to be. I'm promising to be a better girlfriend, roommate, best friend, lover (don't tell Mom), athlete & maybe a little worse coworker....in that order...I hope everyone is ok with that. If not, find someone else who will give up happiness for career. It's not worth losing it to me, if I can't do it with the person/people I love with me, it's not worth doing. I can't undo this move, but I can undo the working too much & ruining the beautiful life I have.

I love too much to let this happen to me again. I'm promising to be present & do what it takes to get back to early May.

there's free stuff out there!!!

DC Rainmaker is giving away a 310XT --see blog for details. This is the newest, hippest techie tool to keep track of your efforts. The blog has in-depth reviews & more info about it also.

Most of my friends have some sort of Garmin or another & they love them. I've pondered on it & as I'm going to be making some serious headway towards goals next year, I think it could be a really useful tool, in all 3 sports & more.

I'd like to win...so if you happen to win...give it to me!

Blessings...

My Mama always told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say to not say anything at all.

I'm taking medication & still feel crazy. I've become a non-athletic person & I hate it. I'm fighting tooth & nail to keep my relationship going. I'm trying desperately to be too many people at once & succeeding at very little. I suppose simply staying alive & going through the motions at some point is success in itself. Maybe success in spite of itself? Maybe itself in spite of success.

None of them are really that happy at the moment. I have a feeling that I make decisions with His guidance & I have confidence that this will turn out ok in the end & I will be better, stronger, happier for it all. Life could be much, much worse & I could have much bigger things to think about on a Monday night. But right now it feels big & that's what matters to me.

I want a break from the worry, a break from the Blackberry, a break from the pressure & to be who I want to be. I want to be responsibility-free for a little while, to remember how sweet vacations are & the squeal of little kids' laughter. I want to see the amazing beauty of the ocean without worrying when my next meeting is or if I'm finally going to miss a flight. I want to laugh with Cory & have the serenity of peaceful sleep.

Life could definitely, always be worse. I'm not forgetting that I'm incredibly lucky, believe it or not. I just feel really lost right now & am fighting my own demons. My own demons are roaring at me & they've got a whole slew of new ones right behind them. I'm feeling inadequate & very alone.

This too, shall pass. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (rinse, breathe, repeat as needed)