"Allergy"

So whatever it is that has me feeling like crap pretty much all the time, I'm ready for it to go away. I'm sniffling, sneezing, sounding like hell and just generally pretty wiped out. Since it's so sporadic, I'm not sure if I'm really sick or I'm allergic to something. But it's been going on for about 3 months, so while I hesitate to say that I'm sick (no "cold" would last this long without making me feel worse) I'm also not sure that there's some random allergen that's hanging around. I sneeze randomly and with great force, and usually in multiples. My eyes normally don't bother me and I normally am not too tired (though my desire for most things athletic has taken a serious nosedive). I'm just snotty and drainy.

I've dusted and vacuummed, and didn't get worse or better. I've been around the dogs dirty and clean and I don't get worse or better (in fact I don't really sneeze around them). I seem to maybe get a bit better throughout the weekend, then by Tuesday I'm back to sounding sick. Is it the canned air in the office? Is it "work"?

I don't know...but I'm sick of feeling, sounding and looking sick.

The elusive beast...

I told you all he exists....I know hardly no one believes me and think I make him up, but it is not so! He stopped by to send me a text message ("text"...ass) and wish me happy birthday. Reality: he was avoiding work. Like hanging around in your vest, uniform, various guns and arresting-paraphernalia is really that comfy and fun. I'm sure that at some point I'll see him in "normal" clothes at some point....soon.

We still have no pictures together and I might've gotten a snarl and scowl for this one, but I needed to prove that he is actually a living, breathing thing.

Twenty Nine years ago TODAY

Actually...fairly close to right now, or just a little bit ago...I arrived. I took my first breath, and wailed my little butt off. My Mom was zonked out for awhile (I think...it was C-section) and my Dad was fishing. Pretty apt if you know him, Dad isn't really an "on time" kinda guy. But then, thinking about it, I'm not usually an early person, but I was that day.

Apparently the world couldn't wait for me. So yeah, 29 years. I'm ok with this one...it's this time next year I'm worried about. You're still allowed to be ridiculous in your 20's (I'm ok saying "late 20's, too). I don't even have to round up to 30 for 6 1/2 months yet.....

Hell, I'm practically still in diapers. More serious reflections later. If only the world had known what it was in for....think my Mom would'a had the longest pregnancy ever?

Promise I'm not crazy...just mad @ the scum of society

From the mouths of babes....praying for the preserverance of the Innocent.

As God's judgement pales in the face of the pain you shall feel, like Hellhounds loosed in the dark night feed on your soul, know that you are pursed by a dark-tinged light that will make you rue the day...

By our hands, His or theirs, you will know your judgement erred, you will know why & you will know yourself never forgiven. Of this I am sure.

I've damned before when I was robbed of my own abilities & coherence. I leave that judgement to Him. In the here & now, away from my past, filth anew... He shall not even have to dirty His hands. May He not be given the opportunity, for respite & mercy would be far too gracious when this heathen has offered no grace. May he suffer without end.

Struggling w/ how much (or how little) is worth putting up with. I've been through some rough stuff on my own - I deserve to be wanted & appreciated if I'm going to take the chance on being with someone.

How much is enough effort...how much is enough time together... What is enough love & thought...what are common goals...

Struggling with being lonely in a relationship. Struggling with working too much. Struggling with not taking enough time for me. Struggling with not being active enough.

Maybe time for change. Scared I'm not strong enough to meet my own needs anymore.

I was wrong...

See previous post.

I was wrong about it sucking (sort of). When I can breathe and look at the computer without my nose dripping I will proffer up a more proper report on the activity of surviving Lake Michigan (and a trip with new girls).

For now - this is the view before/after the race as the wind picked up and blew the fog out over the city..it was an amazing view. Normally amazing from boats and/or the city, but when you're bobbing (or gasping for breath) out in the water it becomes an entirely new definition of awesome. We (humans) did that...all of that - be it good or bad. That's darn impressive when you're paddling along - just you and a swimsuit. So maybe I could've focused on the "task at hand" a bit more in a few points during the morning....whatever.

Looming Big Shoulders...

So...we've officially established that I am fairly worthless as an athlete. I think I'm somewhat naturally inclined as an athlete (despite my physical appearance that would beg to the contrary) and the bunch of years of endurance training (6 in tri since college, cycling last 2 yrs in college - only somewhat endurance - and the swimming for the 10 years through school) probably helps that I can usually survive events despite being horribly under-trained. That said, I'm sick of falling short of my goals and expectations.

But with even that said, I'd like to go out on a limb and note that this weekend will suck. I don't know that there's really any way to be prepared for a 5K swim..scratch that, I know it's possible. But as sure as I am that it's possible, I'm equally sure that I am nowhere near ready for this thing.

As swimming has been "my thing" since I was gnat-high, I'm sure I will survive. (After all, I did survive last year @ Morse with about 3 swims for the year prior...) I'm equally sure that I will have a good time. What I'm not entirely sure of, however, is whether or not I will be pleased with the effort.

Maybe I will just have to work that much harder to drink away my worries and woes both before and after....now if I can just get this travel arrangement thing figured out....it IS tomorrow that I'm to be leaving, after all.....

Thoughts for today....succeed big, or fail bigger.

"It is not the critic that counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles.
Or where the doer of deeds could have done better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement.
And at worst, If he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

— President Theodore Roosevelt, "The Man in the Arena", Paris, 1910