The titles have a theme. The posts have a theme. The life has a theme. Given that they're coming about once a month, it's fairly easy to see that nothing is really changing. Still sititng here at the desk, in cleveland, feeling like I'm waiting for life to begin. I have had a bit of a revelation in that I've been able to articulate at least that much. So what if the epiphany came at some point in the middle of the night while watching C sleep (other words: boring holes into his head with my eyes angry as hell that he could sleep so well & I lay there...awake....again) on the amazingly brief 4-day visit I had late in March. I dread being alone, I'm no longer very good at it.
I used to be...I lived alone from just after graduation in 2003 until I told CAP to move in because it was stupid that he pay as much rent as he did. I think that was sometime in mid- or late-2007. There was a brief roommate stint in 2006 but it wasn't really that much & G didn't spend much time at the condo anyway. There were some good times in there, coming & going, confident, comfortable. First dog in late 2003 (Lilo), Monty in fall of 2004 (Old Man), Vivi joined the crew in March of 2007...it's not like I've been
really alone. But I've always been comfortable in my own skin. Enough boyfriends to keep life interesting but not oppressing.
Then HE moved in. Valentine's Day 2010. A brief 6-mo interlude before the world fell apart, during which my world literally kinda fell apart & reshaped itself, much of which is visible through the blog postings of last year. I went from being a fairly solid athlete - steady, if not unbelievable workouts, reasonable health, out & about socially - to a virtual unknown in my own life. Not present, certainly not working out (too often sitting at this very desk in this very office), not enjoying much except the brief snippets when I wasn't letting my job & my career rule my life. I kind of think, though, that I needed that 6mo to start opening my eyes as to what might be "missing".
Insert horror here! Me - the fiercely independent person, almost afraid to think about marriage & to have children, too intent on living my life socially & athletically, selfish with my time & my energy & certainly my responsibility. It didn't hurt having a longtime boyfriend almost pathologically afraid of committment & affection (that would have meant growing up, Peter Pan), but I even managed to convince myself that I was
good without those things, that I LIKED having a relationship where I got to live my own life. And I DID! I really did enjoy it at that time, for the most part! But me? Me? This career-driven person, hell bent on success my way or the highway? Suddenly I feel like I'm missing something when someone decides to rip my heart out because they're unhappy & can't stand the thought of being with me any longer & so decide to move out?? Whoa.
I soldiered on, I was tough. I honored my obligations & transferred to this town. I figured I'd start fresh, make new friends, do it on my own. The trouble with that is....I don't know anyone & I have PLENTY of friends back where I did live & I had PLENTY of a life back there, too. I find myself HORRIBLY missing waking up early to go for long runs on weekend mornings or finding reasons to complain about someone else's dishes in the sink. I miss awfully the way I had to bust my ass to get out of work (didn't matter what time, I was always RUSHING to get out) to get to some workout or practice. I'm carrying a fair amount of bitterness at everything that I gave up because "we" made a decision to do something & suddenly there wasn't a "we" anymore. So I've honored my commitment & done what I said I would do. I jumped in with both feet & have tried to make the best of it. Here I am....problem is, I hate it.
I was SOOOO close to the happiness I didn't know I was missing before I found it. Having someone to cook dinner with? Wow! Having someone to glare at in the middle of the night when they snored & I couldn't sleep? Hell yeah. Having someone esle to help fold laundry, do yard work, feed the dogs, do dishes, watch tv with, hold me when I got home & just in general rely on & talk to? Who knew it could be that great?! Let's not even get into the dreaming about things to do in the future together. That's an entirely separate chapter on the things that were so amazing that I didn't know about.
In all honesty, I know I've not given it enough effort. I know I'm not being the outgoing, personable, social self I used to be. I'm not busting my hump to get out into new workout groups (or to workout, for that matter) - to find new people to run or bike with, to attend every tri event I can find, to find social groups to hang out with or people to identify with. Hell, the few times I HAVE gone out have wound up in drunken messes with too many things broken. I'm not proud at all of who I've become since moving here. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I'm wallowing, I'm fat & lazy & I'm allowing myself to become more & more of all of those things because I'm not forcing myself to do what I did so long ago & Just. Keep. Going. I don't have any desire to "fake it 'til I make it" this time. Before, when I employed this strategy, by golly it worked! I pushed myself into the tri club & made a ton of friends & got entrenched in the area. I guess I just don't have the energy to go through it again. Because I miss what I know is at the end of this chapter...I miss what's not here.
He may have left, but he didn't go anywhere. I said, "you make sure this is the right decision because I'm going to make it very, very hard to come back" & I did! I avoided the phone calls, send short text messages, built my walls up nice & high so that no one, NO ONE, knew that I was falling apart inside. I tried to plow forward but he would'nt leave me alone. I worked long hours, avoided spending much time at the house, slept a lot & in general just went through the motions.
Then I inadvertently got drunk. I don't think I planned it, but I did a REALLY good job of getting drunk. And I had a complete & total breakdown, with C on the phone. I put him through hell, crying, cussing, blaming...just pretty much being broken-hearted & angry. But he never hung up. And he called the next day! (Wow, I'm
stillnot sure I could've called the next day.) I had already let him wear me down enough to convince me to come visit. Now, confession, there was an ulterior motive on my part....knowing that I was soon going to be driving "home" (to Alabama, which will always be home) & that it was going to be a looooong trip that needed a break in the middle. That would've been right around Nashville. Whodathunkit?! So a good idea was to allow myself to be flown down there for a weekend, to visit & say hi, maybe get laid (sry for the overt honesty), have a laid-back time visiting & set up the opportunity to have a stopover on the way south/north. So this drunken escapade happened a couple of weeks before I was supposed to go visit. GREAT timing, plane ticket already bought...no way to back out after you make a total ass of yourself. WAYTOGOWARE.
But he stood right there through AND CALLED ME BACK TO MAKE SURE I WAS ALIVE! (I've since learned he spent a good part of the conversation with the phone on the coffee table while I ranted & raved, listening for big, alarming sounds & ignoring the rest....I'm ok with it.) I had to give dude credit for sticking through that & still caring...at all. SO I went & visited & it was like putting on the most comfortable, reliable, warmest, sweetest pair of sweats you've EVER had. I was a train wreck before I got there...I mean, come on.
No one thought it was a good idea. Funny thing is, when I got back on that plane to come up here (after having a wonderful weekend, of course) I apparently left my heart there. Maybe I never really got it back, I just surrounded myself with so many thorns that I didn't know that? Maybe I packed it in with the cards I had bought & the letter I had written that never got opened. Doesn't really matter.
Enter: routine. We settle back into the phone calls, the visits as often as possible, the long-distance thing chugging along, as painful as it is. There's a bone-deep knowledge that it's supposed to happen, we just have to wait it out & see what happens.
I have a small, scared little munchkin living in the deepest recesses of my brain that rears it's little head every now & then: fear. I get so damned insecure that I don't know which way is up. I'm convinced that it's a lie, that I'm going to get hurt & as soon as it gets tough again he'll leave & I'LL BE DAMNED if I'm going to hurt like this AGAIN. Ok, so it's a fairly constant companion & when we get together we get REALLY ugly & can create some REALLY impressive scenarios. I'm still convinced that bitch-face is out to steal him, that the shampoo really DID belong to someone else & that it's all a heartbeat away from crashing down around my feet...again. I don't know if I'll be able to pick up the pieces again if it hurts worse than it did last time. I've been through this getting hurt twice thing before. It doesn't get easier. And I've let my guard down AGAIN? I've looked at wedding rings & wedding dresses & allowed myself to dream up attendants & guest lists & menus & locations AGAIN?? (What am I, an idiot? Not really, just a girl with the same dreams that almost every little girl has at some point - even the ones that pulled worms apart when fishing with dad) But I've done gone & went a step further (yay, grammar)....I've thought about children & t-ball games & soccer practice & Christmas with grandparents & vacations to Disney (not until they're old enough to "get it") & running as a family & still taking date nights & having fun play groups & family weekends & cousins....yeah, the whole damn shebang. So you see? See where it got sticky?
I had a dream after a fight (same little recent visit...it was pretty ugly mentally the entire time...when the insecurity demon got particularly gnarly) that I was living in an adorable house with a just-so yard & I was pregnant (I KNOW!!!)....the kicker was, I was so damn happy that I was farting glitter! (Icky, but effective, yes?!) From cooking dinner, to watching tv to buying baby stuff.....it was so comforting & encouraging & so happy. As you can imagine, I woke up in an ABSOLUTE PANIC. Wha? Whowasdat? Seriously? me? Bah? Holycrap....Then it dawned on me how wonderful that felt...that whole dream. Yeah, then I passed back out. Shortly thereafter I started to dread the trip home - coming back to the godforsakeneffingcold that is Cleveland & the horribly long hours at work (simply to avoid going home...notetoself: not fair to dogs) & the emptiness & loneliness & the hatred of my life here & my lack of effort to change it, make it better & engage. I lay awake the next night (my last night, waiting for the 4a alarm) &, as earlier mentioned, simply bored holes into his head with anger & frustration.
I laid there & realized that I'm waiting on my life to begin. I'm enduring this chapter - allowing it to live me - instead of the other way around. I realized I don't owe anything to anyone & I'm not sure I ever did outside of my own brain.
Corporate America doesn't provide for & care for & nurture its citizens like it used to. It really is "eat or be eaten" in the job world today. So my company gave me a little dough to move....I had more than proven my capability & worked my tail off BEFORE that came across the table! I said I'd stay a year or pay the money back. My 401 may be doing
great right now but that doesn't mean it's guaranteed or that it can't be doing that elsewhere. I'm 3.5 years into my life at this company. I heard people today in a meeting discussing their 20th & 25th years with this company - through its many iterations - & all I could come up with is "Jeez, you've never
known anything else," and "so if you're not putting in major time here you aren't going anywhere." It made me sad for about a minute. If I stay another year & a half I'm fully vested in the 401(k). Is it worth staying on hold for that long & allowing myself to remain unhappy? (Shoot, by that time I won't fit into ANY clothes except tents.) Right now I can DEFINITELY say hell no, with gusto.
I've long been the one that says if you're unhappy & you're staying that way it's your own fault. I've given my parents permission to leave their marriage (thank god they're smarter than I am & haven't listened), I've told friends to leave theirs, I've told people that if they worked at a company another month then they're crazy....no one in this world is going to take the steps to make our changes & do what it takes to be happy but us. So
WHY am
I still doing this? Why am I still here, pouting (in essence that's really what I'm doing), crying when the computers won't cooperate & any (ANY) sentimental song comes on the radio, thinking about how quickly I can bolt, not forcing myself to be active & get engaged with the athletic community & just ho-humming through the motions of life? Why am I allowing myself to stay stagnant? I don't really know the answer but I think it's because I know the answer isn't here, in this city.
I'm still frustrated as hell that we're in this position. Had we just communicated a little better or taken the time to talk & not gotten so caught up in our own, separate situations & discussed OUR situation we might not be here. We could've taken one hour to discuss that CLE might not be where we could be happy, it would have to be closer to "home" for both of us. We should've talked about wanting to head that way anyway - when the time was right - for kids & comfort & really to make a long-lasting home.
But we didn't. And here we are.
I know that things happen for a reason & I know our reason is so that we're where we are now. I never really got my heart back & I'm ok with that. I had to realize that I've done a good thing in the first years of my career, I've worked very hard to establish myself, my reputation, my skills & my "marketability" in order to make the moves I've made (& will make). I've achieved a good, solid level where I'm at a nice place to be able to maintain my career through clawing my way back to a work/life balance & taking the time to have a family & be able to really be
present through that. I've driven pretty hard for the first 7 years of "real life" in the working world & I'm damn proud of it.
But it's not complete, I'm not complete. And it took absolutely ripping my heart out & squashing who I think I am to realize that. And I'm so happy that I have. The situation is damn frustrating, but it's just a situation. Sheesh, if we can get through what we've already been through to where we are - able to talk to each other about feelings & thoughts, concerns & questions, able to have discussions about long-term futures & where/who/how we want to be as adults together....the rest should be at least navigable. Sure there's confusion & the blank stare of "Is this right?" from time-to-time... there absolutely should be! How do you know what you've got if you don't occasionaly ask yourself? Anyway....it's just a matter of getting through it.
Sure, I'm still insecure & scared as hell. I still don't know if stopping the medication is what I should've done right now. Hell, I'm fairly sure he has question marks dance through his head on a daily basis....but I may be making that up (damn gremlin). I've finally gotten comfortable with the situation. I've formed my little plan that says I'm just going to stick it out so that I don't have to pay back the money & then scram. I'll find a job - maybe it doesn't have to be the same caliber, maybe it's totally different...who knows? I'll pack everything up...AGAIN....& maybe we can finally work on that next chapter & that happiness thing. That being together thing & seeing where life goes. There are some big decisions that we'll have to make but hell, almost everything is easier when it's a team effort, yes? (Any of you that disagree, let me live my fairytale you pessimists, leave me & my glitter-farts alone.) It's a holding pattern, that doesn't mean I can't try to enjoy the here & now, but maybe it doesn't mean I have to. It means I'm going to try to take each moment for what it is & live in it. I don't have to love it or be happy or pretend like CLE is everything I've dreamed of. The weather's kinda crap, the city is kind of old & not really pretty in a lot of ways, I can hear my neighbors shower & am pretty sure they hear every time I cuss at a dog. My doors don't like to close, the toilet just started leaking & there's only one shower! But it's where I am & occasionally where he is & that's enough. The pay is decent, the coworkers are good & it'll work...for now.
If I had all the answers it would be a boring journey. I may not know the path and though I have a good idea of the final destination (but I'm ok in not getting there for a looooooong time), I'm certainly looking forward to the next stop.
I got the email & just squealed like a girl. I'm so excited. This means so much more than a long weekend with a few girlfriends (& potentially one amazing boyfriend) to me. It's a chance to reclaim who I am. I know that sounds so much more philosophical & "bigger" than it should - it's just a run, right? But as I sit here, having WANTED to go run for the past three days & having either slept too late to do so or stayed at work too late to do so, it's clear to me that I need an honest-to-goodness catalyst, something to work towards to get my ass in gear. I'm clearly finding reasons/ways to avoid it myself. I want so badly to be in shape, to be able to pick up & go run a few miles with absolutely no problem, to swim a few miles at the drop of a hat or to think that 30mi is a short bike ride. The reality of my life right now is that none of those things even seems achievable. It's my own fault, I know this. I've allowed my balance to get entirely out of whack, my mentality to go totally to hell & to just let myself fall away from the things I've held dear. I look at the finishers medals & awards every time I leave my bedroom & they mean so very little to me right now. Looking at them makes me cringe because I'm so far from that person right now. And it's my own fault....even though I can throw a lot of blame around, I'm the one sitting on the couch, working too late, staring at the blackberry.....I'm the one that's CHOSEN to let it happen.
