I'm sick.

(Warning: this is going to be negative. I'm fresh out of chipper today, this trip, this week, etc. Sorry, I'll return to "It's a Wonderful Life" soon enough, I'm sure. But today I'm just not really feeling it. If you'd rather skip this...I won't be offended.)

I'm sick to death of hearing people bitch about their own lives. Which is only slightly entertaining to me as I'm doing little more than doing that lately myself. It's not ever as bad as we really think it is, right? So little miss "boo, I have to go to class" or mister "my team lost" or family "baby spit up last night" can really just shove it. How about we try "my boyfriend dumped me", "I'm having trouble finding a good house", "I haven't cooked a meal for myself in months", "my laundry gets done every two weeks", "I shower at my house twice a week", "My dogs forgot who I am", "I take the weekends to recover from the week", "I haven't worked out in months", "I can't start a relationship because I'm leaving", "I'm incapable of getting things done at work becuase I can't focus", "see prior: I'm falling further behind", "I'm so lonely it aches" and combine it with a good dose of "I've finally wound up really sick." There? Does that make whatever hangnail you had feel better?

Now, I'll go ahead & take a WHOPPING dose of cancer, ALS, Alzheimer's & whatever malady that needs to be thrown at me for some perspective. It could always be worse & I am relatively lucky to be in the position to do the things I'm doing. Rest assured I know that.

But.....as I sit here at work at 7p (not really caring because my other alternative is dinner & the hotel room by myself) in a city where I know few, coughing my head off with sore lungs & only breathing through my mouth....I'm struggling to remember that.

I'm sick. I'm sick of people whining. I'm sick of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for my mood. I'm sick of being made the bad guy because my heart got broken & I'm still not ok with that. I'm sick & tired of living out of a suitcase. I'm homesick - sick for a home, or a place that feels like home. I'm tired of driving so much. I'm tired. I'm sick of being the resource & the know it all. I'm sick of taking care of it all by myself. I'm sick of being chipper. I'm tired of being alone at night. I'm sick to death of eating junk. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm sick of pretending I'm not exhausted & lonely & depressed & angry. I'm sick of hanging on to the idea that it can all work out. I'm tired of losing hope. I'm tired of being the adult! I think I'm just sick & tired.

It'll get better, I know. Trust me, I know. I'll get it done & come through the other side because it's what I do, it's who I am. Failure isn't much of a choice in my book, but that doesn't mean I'm really enjoying the ride. This is tough & this is hard & this is taking an awful lot out of me. I'm sick as hell & it's surprising to me that it's taken this long.

I'm just over the drama & over the dread & over the freaking process! Just get the show on the road already...house bought, car registered, inspections, financing, listing Carmel, selling, settling in, joining a gym, finding swimmers, finding friends, settling in with the dogs, cooking my own dinners & just getting back to what used to be a regular & fun life.

I turn 30 in 3 days. I'm going to have a bit of a gathering...informal. I'm basically going to hang out at a bar & if anyone wants to come they can. At this point, I'm not expecting much. I'm hoping to be able to breathe w/o coughing.....have a few drinks & enjoy the evening...and maybe not sleep alone.