House...

It's a cute little bugger, huh? Maybe not quite as small as it looks, but not much bigger, either. It'll work just fine for me & the pups though. Cute landscaping, a big room upstairs, hardwood floors & adequate storage space (including a massive closet that I found yesterday). The garage in miniscule but it'll work for Makx. The yard needs to be fenced in eventually, assuming that at some point I have enough money to do so. Until then we'll figure something out that hopefully won't drive the neighbors too crazy.

The closing date is listed in late October & there's a ton of stuff to do between now & then. Not the slightest of which is the financing & that's already causing drama. I wish there were enough hours in the day to do the things I'm responsible for. I also wish there was enough understanding to go around.

The best news: the kind & cute guy that currently owns the above cute little house is willing to evacuate the premises & let me bring stuff over early for a small fee. This means I actually do get to quit living out of hotel rooms & figure out how to live in this house. He could be out as early as the end of this weekend but I can't move that fast. Next week is slightly intense anyway with most of my time in Indianapolis & I really want to take some "me" time & ride the Hilly. So the 11th is when I'm hoping to have a car full of stuff to haul over to the place & crash there. I clearly won't have the pups yet but it's a start.

Now if I can only figure out where it actually is in relation to EVERYTHING else....ha! (We'll worry about how in the HELL we're - me & the mouse in my pocket - going to pay for it tomorrow....)

I'm sick.

(Warning: this is going to be negative. I'm fresh out of chipper today, this trip, this week, etc. Sorry, I'll return to "It's a Wonderful Life" soon enough, I'm sure. But today I'm just not really feeling it. If you'd rather skip this...I won't be offended.)

I'm sick to death of hearing people bitch about their own lives. Which is only slightly entertaining to me as I'm doing little more than doing that lately myself. It's not ever as bad as we really think it is, right? So little miss "boo, I have to go to class" or mister "my team lost" or family "baby spit up last night" can really just shove it. How about we try "my boyfriend dumped me", "I'm having trouble finding a good house", "I haven't cooked a meal for myself in months", "my laundry gets done every two weeks", "I shower at my house twice a week", "My dogs forgot who I am", "I take the weekends to recover from the week", "I haven't worked out in months", "I can't start a relationship because I'm leaving", "I'm incapable of getting things done at work becuase I can't focus", "see prior: I'm falling further behind", "I'm so lonely it aches" and combine it with a good dose of "I've finally wound up really sick." There? Does that make whatever hangnail you had feel better?

Now, I'll go ahead & take a WHOPPING dose of cancer, ALS, Alzheimer's & whatever malady that needs to be thrown at me for some perspective. It could always be worse & I am relatively lucky to be in the position to do the things I'm doing. Rest assured I know that.

But.....as I sit here at work at 7p (not really caring because my other alternative is dinner & the hotel room by myself) in a city where I know few, coughing my head off with sore lungs & only breathing through my mouth....I'm struggling to remember that.

I'm sick. I'm sick of people whining. I'm sick of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for my mood. I'm sick of being made the bad guy because my heart got broken & I'm still not ok with that. I'm sick & tired of living out of a suitcase. I'm homesick - sick for a home, or a place that feels like home. I'm tired of driving so much. I'm tired. I'm sick of being the resource & the know it all. I'm sick of taking care of it all by myself. I'm sick of being chipper. I'm tired of being alone at night. I'm sick to death of eating junk. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm sick of pretending I'm not exhausted & lonely & depressed & angry. I'm sick of hanging on to the idea that it can all work out. I'm tired of losing hope. I'm tired of being the adult! I think I'm just sick & tired.

It'll get better, I know. Trust me, I know. I'll get it done & come through the other side because it's what I do, it's who I am. Failure isn't much of a choice in my book, but that doesn't mean I'm really enjoying the ride. This is tough & this is hard & this is taking an awful lot out of me. I'm sick as hell & it's surprising to me that it's taken this long.

I'm just over the drama & over the dread & over the freaking process! Just get the show on the road already...house bought, car registered, inspections, financing, listing Carmel, selling, settling in, joining a gym, finding swimmers, finding friends, settling in with the dogs, cooking my own dinners & just getting back to what used to be a regular & fun life.

I turn 30 in 3 days. I'm going to have a bit of a gathering...informal. I'm basically going to hang out at a bar & if anyone wants to come they can. At this point, I'm not expecting much. I'm hoping to be able to breathe w/o coughing.....have a few drinks & enjoy the evening...and maybe not sleep alone.

Tansitions...

Change is never easy. I'm accepting that. But it is a fact of life & I assume it's better to hit it straight on, accept it's coming & do your best than to shy away & wait to see what happens. I'd much rather have some sort of impact on the outcome. I think that's the engaged & strong way to live life, conscious of what's around & where I'm headed. Or at least I'm just going to keep saying that bs to myself until I believe it, since I don't have much choice.

-new job
-moving
-engagement discussions
-becoming single
-finding new house
-finding property mgmt co. for old house
-prepping old house to rent/move
-training new EE

Needless to say, there's a lot going on. Mix in me attempting to kick my own ass outta the house for what might resemble a social life & whammo...you've got a lot of crap going on. Maybe too much, depending. It's sure not taking up as much time as I think it should, as I'm still left with far too many quiet moments to think about love (present & past, good & bad) & the gravity of the decisions I'm making & wallow every now & then that I'm making them alone.

I am only as strong as I have to be, make no mistake. I can get over being drugged & raped. I can push through marathons & bike wrecks & iron-distance triathlons & anything else the world has thrown at me. More often than not I'm pushing through these things alone & of my own volition. I'm sure that this makes me strong & durable (if nothing else in the eyes of some/most) but I wonder if I'm doing them (continually) to prove it to myself. I am only as strong as I've had to be. Having had someone take care of me for even such a short time I'm now left craving that companionship, that allowance to be weak & dependent. In my weaker moments I've allowed myself to consider seeking that comfort from any source possible - thankfully this is often countered by the knowledge of what is/isn't good for me. (I'm far from infallible though & not ashamed of that.) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, that I have to do this alone. I have to make this transition to this new city with my own strength as my guide. I have no choice but to make it work because I said I would.

The question is, am I proving it to myself, to those that left me or to those that never doubted me? And when will I ever stop having something to prove?