Happiness is....

Boys that make funny faces while camping...

My flowers blooming - later than most others'....they may be slow but they're still pretty. (Seems to be a theme in the household...) And flowers that stick out their tongues at you....

It's a good life....

Dances with Dirt

Another freaking awesome day...first time it's rained. Great times with good friends. Had an awesome conversation with God somewhere in the middle of it, too. I so wish I could've had my camera with me - it wouldn't have survived (i barely did), but the pictures would have been amazing. Guess that makes it a more special memory. I'm totally wrecked - my legs from the knee up are shredded by thorns, from the knee down to my toes my muscles are traumatized. Hoping all is functional by this weekend for Terre Haute...A couple of brief moments:

The night before...I used to watch the world go by here on my way home from lifeguarding..

Pre-race...we're a LOT cleaner & drier than we were all day....Why yes, yes we are...we have the socks to prove it.This little guy was spotted after I finished a leg...hopping through a field.That little dot in the middle? Yeah, that's me, sliding sideways down that big-ass hill. I almost fell about a dozen times. Given the 20-30 people looking on (incl. the camera) & the preceeding 3 hours of rain, there was a lot of pressure! (Not to mention this was about mile 7..of that leg..mile 12 or 13 overall for me)Post-race, beer in hand, life is good. These people? That beer? That food? Those scratches? That mud? See those ankles? They are why I do these things....

We are the lucky that live as we can & push limits as are meant to be tested...for we see more than most & breathe like few imagine. Pity only upon those who don't dare to live life, see their dreams or experience the edges of comprehension.

Don't pet (or feed) the bears....

Don't you just love it when things are taken entirely out of context? When you say something to someone - not meaning to shove something in their lap but to genuinely ask if they had a better idea - & the result makes you look a bit less than intelligent?

I'm quite annoyed, clearly. I just wish you could genuinely put tone into email/text/whatever without the possibility of misinterpretation. It's so easy when I'm bitching to your face....

Feeling Crazy...creating my own puzzles.

I've typed about it before - it's not a new feeling. Has a bit of a different slant to it right now - a bit of time defined quite succintly in the middle of each night where I ponder the back of my eyelids & texture of my ceiling, my breathing, the projection of the time on said textured ceiling & the blinking of the colon within said time (60x/minute - go figure). I calculate boring holes into C's head with my eyes alone for the slightest movement - let alone his murder for the alarm going off 3 times. Wondering whether I'm creating my own issues by "knowing" what's coming, if I can literally (& figuratively, actually) outrun the problem by making myself too tired to function. Knowing with absolutely certainty that my dogs move far too much in the middle of the night & thinking about ripping their tongues out. And having discovered that 2 AdvilPM is too much, while 1 isn't enough...I'm used to feeling a bit crazy, but not using to feeling a bit crazy in this manner.

Just feeling like things are a bit off-kilter, or that life is a bit out of control & I'm just a passenger. Blend the fatigue from the marathon, the daily life chaos that I really thrive on (most of the time & the fatigue that creates), a bit of disshevilment (word?) at work & a bit of an inability to sleep for a few hours each night & I'm just outta whack. That's about the most coherent way to put it - just outta whack. Not sure what's causing any of the others....just the congolmeration of it all & I'm wonky.

I don't feel like I'm overly anxious (unless it's between 3:30 - 5:15am), don't feel overly depressed (unless it's between about 2p & 4p when I'm just darn tired), & don't feel overly irritable (unless I'm at work, which may or may not have other causes). So I'm a bit like a roller coaster & I get that for all the sarcastic & outspoken people in my life. Trust me, I understand that I'm a bit unpredictable right now & you're not quite sure what you're going to get - welcome to my planet. I don't necessarily need you rubbing that in, which only serves to make me feel a bit more off-kilter & crazy!

Part of me thinks medication is the only way to go, I have little desire to spend another few grand in therapy re-learning the coping techniques I already know, being told that I'm normal, reiterating that I should follow a schedule & delving deep into "what lies beneath." I've been there & I've done that. I know that there's no shame in therapy (& highly, highly recommend it to any/everyone - it doesn't mean you're crazy, you really do learn tons about yourself & that's not bad!) & would gladly go back to it but it's kinda expensive. A very large part of me has no desire (none, absolutely nothing, zip, zero, zilcho, squat) to chain myself to a medication - though I am equally certain there is nothing wrong with that (& that a large percentage of the population is on some sort of medication for mood/sleep/anxiety/depression/thyroid/etc.). I just know that I'm horrible at taking medication & that I don't want to become a larger liability to myself than I already am....whether that makes any sense or not. I don't want to create more problems for myself, basically.

I just know that there's some reason I'm waking up between 3 & 4a & not really being able to go back to sleep until after C leaves for work, some reason I'm tired more often than not (read prior reason - indelibly linked I'm sure) & some reason I'm feeling a bit "unsettled". I'm sure it's a mental issue (though the teeth certainly aren't helping much right now....causing some undue anxiety that can only be exacerbating what's already there - but that's an entirely separate issue/post filled with anger/tears/fears/pain...I just want to be able to freaking drink water & eat for chrissakes!) & am equal parts wanting it to "just go away", wanting to dig & realize what "it" is & wanting to just medicate the hell out of myself. So....yeah.

But I look at medications & am worried about the side-effects - I'm an athlete & that's vital to me (& whatever shards of my mental well-being still exist), I don't want to gain weight (& cause an entirely different slew of mental issues), I don't want to even approach not being able to sleep (cause, meet effect, meet cause...circular formulas don't even work in MS Excel!). I'm leery of my eating habits changing too much, freak out entirely about not taking things properly & being thrown even deeper into depress...er...anxie....err...insom....err...whatever the shit is going on.

Would vitamins & fishoil do the trick? Is Lexapro my best option? Do you start with a head doc or a GP if you think you know what direction you're headed? Do you just wait for the OB appointment in a month? Can you afford to wait a month? Is C part of the issue or part of the solution? Dare I delve into deeper cause/effects? Should I stop reading too much into everything? Will I stop wanting to bite someone's head off? Would I lose my passion? Am I really crazy?

Sheesh....too much rattling around today combined with computer issues on the internal servers. Can I just go swim?

Flying Pig - Mini-RR

This about sums it up....it was a long, slow day in Cincinnati. (The picture is actually from a work trip a few weeks ago - wildlife encounters abound...the car in the back is our rental that the night prior smashed itself into a deer. But the picture is apt for the marathon...) It started off really soggy & never really dried up much. We were plagued by some stomach issues (not mine) & foot issues (both of us). I think the feet was mostly because they had been so wet for so long. Either way, I'm not thrilled with the time, but we get credit for gutting it out & finishing. I felt loads better than I did last year all the way through - I was the cheerleader this year (surprise, surprise) & am not feeling too bad today. My quads are a bit trashed & my feet are achy. I popped all the blisters & am hoping they do their thing & go away. Oddly enough my right shoulder is a bit sore, too. Not sure where that comes from or why, but it's not bad. Just overall fatigue but nothing major. I'll be back at it in a couple of days. I will do another marathon. I will put more consistency into the training, possibly choosing a bit flatter course. I will also show up on race day with the expectation that I will run hard & I need to run for myself. Whatever I hoped to "answer" yesterday was not answered or proven. We gutted it out & I'm proud of that (how many people in the world can say they could/would/have done multiple marathons?), but I have higher expectations. I can't say I'm disappointed to have finished another marathon - I give lectures about things like that! But I know I can do better, and I will.

Hell, when your last two miles of a marathon are less than a minute off of your overall best splits (9:00 miles) - whether running to "get it the hell over with" or not - you know there's more in the tank & that you can deliver a better result. Next time.....