Taking the trash out...

I gave up so much of myself over the past couple years - hardly working out, not racing, no self-esteem. Between a lousy work environment, a relationship that wasn't fulfilling & left me angry & lower-than-expected financial ability to deal (funding multiple houses) just left me wasted at the end of each day. I told myself that it was ok to not put pressure on myself to be an athlete right now, it's ok to just survive each day doing what I can & not stressing about what I wasn't. It drained almost all of who I am, what I'm proud of & what I do to reclaim my sanity. I hadn't ever needed medication & found myself on Lexapro just to sleep through the night & shut my brain off long enough to recharge to make it through the next day.

About two months ago I realized that life is way too short to spend it getting beat up (metaphorically) all the time. To spend time being angry or being sad, to allow the excuses making it ok for me not being "who I want to be", to blame the financial issues on the bad situation, to say that it'll get better & I'll/we'll come out the other side, to continue taking the blame for everything that was right/wrong/indifferent/unhappy - without making any efforts to do so. I had already started the ball rolling to relocate & had to do a major gut-check on WHY I was doing it - for him or me. Turned out the process started for him. But then things changed. I took charge of my own situation, my own happiness, my own destination. I still relocated to the same town, but I did it for me. Great job opportunity fell in my lap, great house, good weather, awesome parks to run in & great pool to train in. It's not my fault that he was unhappy, it was my fault that I was allowing myself to be unhappy. It's not my fault that he lied to me & cheated on me - it became my fault for sticking around & letting it continue, for thinking I wasn't worth more than that sooner & that he did love me enough to work it through. It's not my fault that the relationship failed - it's my opportunity to say I did everything I could possibly do & now I get the chance to be as happy as I deserve to be.

I relocated to a new town where I only know 2 people. I've severed ties with those people now (in walking away from the relationship) & am so happy I could fart rainbows. I got in the pool for the first time in almost 2yrs four days after handing his shit back & swam nearly the fastest intervals I have since college. I've run through a hilly park & realized that it's not as easy as it was, but damn it feels good to be able to look at the deer, the owls, the leaves, the trees....so I walk a lot for now on these runs & they're nowhere near fast - I'm exploring a new town, new areas, finding new people, etc. I'm reconnecting with the person I want to be & rediscovering the standards & expectations of myself & my life. After so long of allowing the excuses to justify why I was just floating through & allowing (maybe needing) someone else to set the expectations, the standards, the pace, the outcomes - I realized that I'm extremely lucky to be alive, to have the abilities I do & the opportunity to be who I want to be. I owe it to myself to not take that for granted, to not look back & realize that I wasted too much time on less than my best. I deserve someone that wants to be with me & someone that wants to work with me (through the good & the crap) to enjoy life together.

My first run out here through Percy Warner Park I saw an owl about 3mi in....I wouldn't even have seen it had I not been darn near dying & running so slow (uphill). We just stared at each other for a few minutes until I finally turned away. Such strength & serenity. Thank God for the opportunity to breathe so hard & be hurting enough to witness that. Second run I was within about 4ft of a yearling fawn. Again, we both just stood & stared for a few minutes. I watched it go from frozen in fear to curious to knowing I wasn't a threat & moving across the path right next to me. Another moment....life is about how we deal with what we come across. It's ok to be afraid, tentative & uncertain, but our reaction & the outcome we control is the only thing that matters.
Take the time you need to let the pain subside & do what you need to get by, but don't allow yourself to be at the mercy of anyone else's decisions or feelings. The only thing we can control in our life are our reactions. There are not victims, only volunteers. You may not have asked for this or wanted this, but you're in control of how long you let it affect you. It takes time to heal & to move forward but you cannot live your life being a product of what has happened. You are worth more than that & you deserve nothing but the happiness that lies just ahead. Realize you're worth it, you deserve it. You deserve to live each moment stoked to see what's next, with someone/something who can't freaking wait to see it with you.

Everything is a new opportunity to rediscover who we are, what we're capable of & what we want to become. Be strong & know that, whatever your faith, there's a guiding hand at work. We don't get to choose the path, we get to choose whether we enjoy the journey & what we learn. I moved from IN to OH last October, from OH to TN this September. Nothing has to be permanent if we don't want it to be. If you don't like where you're at, find a way to either make it work to find your happiness or find someplace else. It takes courage to face life & wring from it what you want, but it's so much more fun.

As I wax poetic only 1/3 of the way through my coffee lemme tell ya...having gone out on 3 dates, two rockin swim practices within the past week & a marathon (eek...that one may be ugly, but it'll be funny nonetheless) this weekend....when we decide to live our lives instead of letting life live us....it's a helluva lot more fun. Keep plowing forward & rest assured that the best is yet to come. (Enough of the Hallmark commercial already!)