A note to my Guardians.....

My life, my decisions, my needs, my emotions. No one gets to judge. You people can only slightly warn me once & then your piece has been said & you're done. I get where you're coming from, I truly do. I know why you're so dead-set in your opinions & trust me, I'm not too far off of those from time-to-time. But dear God, allow me the chance to reach out & obtain what I need (or what I think I need) for a little while. It is, after all, my life. You can only protect me so much, though I know you would gladly spare me from any & all hurt & discomfort & struggle if you were able. That's your job as a friend & a parent. But this is my fight & my perogative. If I choose to walk out on the teeny, tiny limb & take a chance....you just get the joy of being prepared if I happen to fall. I learned the tough way that I shouldn't necessarily shut doors on people (or things, or opportunities) & I was rewarded for it...even if it didn't exactly turn out into what I hoped. When something matters so greatly to you that you're willing to reshape your life at one point & then gets redirected (for whatever reason) it's tough to shut down & simply walk away. I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face here...I deserve to be happy in the long run & I'm the only one that gets to choose that path. And I can't hurt any more than I already have, I promise you all that. So I owe it to myself to see where this goes. And yeah, there's at least some pure selfishness in here that is reaching out to take a little bit of comfort & support simply because it's there. This has been a damn hard few months, one has only to read through this blog to know that. If I can lean on someone else even a little for a little bit then I'm ok with it....if it makes me selfish & manipulative, well then so be it. I guess that definition depends on the outcome. If I get screwed over, then it was worth it. If I don't, then I suppose it's a good test.
We shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater...one mistake doesn't make a horrible person forever, especially if the reasons for the mistake are understandable. (Note: I didn't necessarily say forgivable, but certainly understandable.) If I am willing to understand the rationale for the decisions then I also owe it to myself to ponder if I would have done the same thing as well as my own tolerance for heartache. Only time will tell but I've made the poor soul suffer enough already just by myself. I'm sure the jury will be out for a long time for those who are so protective of me...it's a long road to prove intent when you're busy carrying your burdens as well. I have no intention on making it any easier than it needs to be, but I have no problem allowing the road to be walked. For all those overly worried about me & willing to throw down immediately...remember that I have allowed the door to open, the outcome is my own fault. I'm willing to take the risk - even if it only winds up being short-term pleasure. The pain would be no more long-term than it's already been, believe that.
Anyway...my life, my decisions, my emotions. My guardians, each & every one, are loved & appreciated for the intent & the protection. The initial pain was not my fault & nothing I asked for, but this is my own doing & that must be respected by you all as well.