I've typed about it before - it's not a new feeling. Has a bit of a different slant to it right now - a bit of time defined quite succintly in the middle of each night where I ponder the back of my eyelids & texture of my ceiling, my breathing, the projection of the time on said textured ceiling & the blinking of the colon within said time (60x/minute - go figure). I calculate boring holes into C's head with my eyes alone for the slightest movement - let alone his murder for the alarm going off 3 times. Wondering whether I'm creating my own issues by "knowing" what's coming, if I can literally (& figuratively, actually) outrun the problem by making myself too tired to function. Knowing with absolutely certainty that my dogs move far too much in the middle of the night & thinking about ripping their tongues out. And having discovered that 2 AdvilPM is too much, while 1 isn't enough...I'm used to feeling a bit crazy, but not using to feeling a bit crazy in this manner.
Just feeling like things are a bit off-kilter, or that life is a bit out of control & I'm just a passenger. Blend the fatigue from the marathon, the daily life chaos that I really thrive on (most of the time & the fatigue that creates), a bit of disshevilment (word?) at work & a bit of an inability to sleep for a few hours each night & I'm just outta whack. That's about the most coherent way to put it - just outta whack. Not sure what's causing any of the others....just the congolmeration of it all & I'm wonky.
I don't feel like I'm overly anxious (unless it's between 3:30 - 5:15am), don't feel overly depressed (unless it's between about 2p & 4p when I'm just darn tired), & don't feel overly irritable (unless I'm at work, which may or may not have other causes). So I'm a bit like a roller coaster & I get that for all the sarcastic & outspoken people in my life. Trust me, I understand that I'm a bit unpredictable right now & you're not quite sure what you're going to get - welcome to my planet. I don't necessarily need you rubbing that in, which only serves to make me feel a bit more off-kilter & crazy!
Part of me thinks medication is the only way to go, I have little desire to spend another few grand in therapy re-learning the coping techniques I already know, being told that I'm normal, reiterating that I should follow a schedule & delving deep into "what lies beneath." I've been there & I've done that. I know that there's no shame in therapy (& highly, highly recommend it to any/everyone - it doesn't mean you're crazy, you really do learn tons about yourself & that's not bad!) & would gladly go back to it but it's kinda expensive. A very large part of me has no desire (none, absolutely nothing, zip, zero, zilcho, squat) to chain myself to a medication - though I am equally certain there is nothing wrong with that (& that a large percentage of the population is on some sort of medication for mood/sleep/anxiety/depression/thyroid/etc.). I just know that I'm horrible at taking medication & that I don't want to become a larger liability to myself than I already am....whether that makes any sense or not. I don't want to create more problems for myself, basically.
I just know that there's some reason I'm waking up between 3 & 4a & not really being able to go back to sleep until after C leaves for work, some reason I'm tired more often than not (read prior reason - indelibly linked I'm sure) & some reason I'm feeling a bit "unsettled". I'm sure it's a mental issue (though the teeth certainly aren't helping much right now....causing some undue anxiety that can only be exacerbating what's already there - but that's an entirely separate issue/post filled with anger/tears/fears/pain...I just want to be able to freaking drink water & eat for chrissakes!) & am equal parts wanting it to "just go away", wanting to dig & realize what "it" is & wanting to just medicate the hell out of myself. So....yeah.
But I look at medications & am worried about the side-effects - I'm an athlete & that's vital to me (& whatever shards of my mental well-being still exist), I don't want to gain weight (& cause an entirely different slew of mental issues), I don't want to even approach not being able to sleep (cause, meet effect, meet cause...circular formulas don't even work in MS Excel!). I'm leery of my eating habits changing too much, freak out entirely about not taking things properly & being thrown even deeper into depress...er...anxie....err...insom....err...whatever the shit is going on.
Would vitamins & fishoil do the trick? Is Lexapro my best option? Do you start with a head doc or a GP if you think you know what direction you're headed? Do you just wait for the OB appointment in a month? Can you afford to wait a month? Is C part of the issue or part of the solution? Dare I delve into deeper cause/effects? Should I stop reading too much into everything? Will I stop wanting to bite someone's head off? Would I lose my passion? Am I really crazy?
Sheesh....too much rattling around today combined with computer issues on the internal servers. Can I just go swim?
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3 comments:
This might be something I can actually give YOU advice on!
Not all medicines are bad, just some. I take .25 of Xanax and .25 of Paxal. It didn't change my eating habits or my weight, or anything like that. I went to my GP and told him what I was feeling and he said I should try this. It's worked like a dream so far and I've been on it since my senior year in college. If I'm feeling extra anxious about something I'll bump my dose up, but other than that it stays the same. The only thing- on some days if I haven't taken it, you can definately tell. I'll have a major mood swing and Gavin will ask "Did you take your medicine?" It's honestly been a life saver!
Also, living with the boyfriend is probably taking a small toll on you as well. The first year me and Gavin lived together was rough. Hell, who am I kidding, it can still be rough. Such as compromise when you're in a relationship.
Anywho, if this continues, I'd definately go to your GP and tell him/her what's going on.
Good luck and let me know if you need to talk!
I know they aren't bad - or at least no one that listens to me would purposely prescribe something that would cause problems (Unlike the doc that prescribed prozac for 1/2 the month while I was in college...), I'm just wary of exactly what you mention....that I'll be different if I forget...since we KNOW I'll most likely forget. It's just another adjustmetn....and you're exactly right - we're still adjusting in major ways. Compromise & working with another person is part of the good & the bad...
I slept last night - not the whole night through, but that's so extremely damn rare it doesn't count - actual good, quality sleep. So I feel a bit better about the world today, but am still aware it might be a decision to be made soon. Well, that & I'm going to buy more vitamins tonight & MAKE myself take the damn things on the regular....baby steps I suppose.
It's not that I'm different if I don't take it, it's that Gavin is so used to me when I'm on the medicine that he knows when I'm not on it. I'm a lot more moody and just my normal, unmedicated self without it. I'm more mellow when I'm on it.
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