Taking the trash out...

I gave up so much of myself over the past couple years - hardly working out, not racing, no self-esteem. Between a lousy work environment, a relationship that wasn't fulfilling & left me angry & lower-than-expected financial ability to deal (funding multiple houses) just left me wasted at the end of each day. I told myself that it was ok to not put pressure on myself to be an athlete right now, it's ok to just survive each day doing what I can & not stressing about what I wasn't. It drained almost all of who I am, what I'm proud of & what I do to reclaim my sanity. I hadn't ever needed medication & found myself on Lexapro just to sleep through the night & shut my brain off long enough to recharge to make it through the next day.

About two months ago I realized that life is way too short to spend it getting beat up (metaphorically) all the time. To spend time being angry or being sad, to allow the excuses making it ok for me not being "who I want to be", to blame the financial issues on the bad situation, to say that it'll get better & I'll/we'll come out the other side, to continue taking the blame for everything that was right/wrong/indifferent/unhappy - without making any efforts to do so. I had already started the ball rolling to relocate & had to do a major gut-check on WHY I was doing it - for him or me. Turned out the process started for him. But then things changed. I took charge of my own situation, my own happiness, my own destination. I still relocated to the same town, but I did it for me. Great job opportunity fell in my lap, great house, good weather, awesome parks to run in & great pool to train in. It's not my fault that he was unhappy, it was my fault that I was allowing myself to be unhappy. It's not my fault that he lied to me & cheated on me - it became my fault for sticking around & letting it continue, for thinking I wasn't worth more than that sooner & that he did love me enough to work it through. It's not my fault that the relationship failed - it's my opportunity to say I did everything I could possibly do & now I get the chance to be as happy as I deserve to be.

I relocated to a new town where I only know 2 people. I've severed ties with those people now (in walking away from the relationship) & am so happy I could fart rainbows. I got in the pool for the first time in almost 2yrs four days after handing his shit back & swam nearly the fastest intervals I have since college. I've run through a hilly park & realized that it's not as easy as it was, but damn it feels good to be able to look at the deer, the owls, the leaves, the trees....so I walk a lot for now on these runs & they're nowhere near fast - I'm exploring a new town, new areas, finding new people, etc. I'm reconnecting with the person I want to be & rediscovering the standards & expectations of myself & my life. After so long of allowing the excuses to justify why I was just floating through & allowing (maybe needing) someone else to set the expectations, the standards, the pace, the outcomes - I realized that I'm extremely lucky to be alive, to have the abilities I do & the opportunity to be who I want to be. I owe it to myself to not take that for granted, to not look back & realize that I wasted too much time on less than my best. I deserve someone that wants to be with me & someone that wants to work with me (through the good & the crap) to enjoy life together.

My first run out here through Percy Warner Park I saw an owl about 3mi in....I wouldn't even have seen it had I not been darn near dying & running so slow (uphill). We just stared at each other for a few minutes until I finally turned away. Such strength & serenity. Thank God for the opportunity to breathe so hard & be hurting enough to witness that. Second run I was within about 4ft of a yearling fawn. Again, we both just stood & stared for a few minutes. I watched it go from frozen in fear to curious to knowing I wasn't a threat & moving across the path right next to me. Another moment....life is about how we deal with what we come across. It's ok to be afraid, tentative & uncertain, but our reaction & the outcome we control is the only thing that matters.
Take the time you need to let the pain subside & do what you need to get by, but don't allow yourself to be at the mercy of anyone else's decisions or feelings. The only thing we can control in our life are our reactions. There are not victims, only volunteers. You may not have asked for this or wanted this, but you're in control of how long you let it affect you. It takes time to heal & to move forward but you cannot live your life being a product of what has happened. You are worth more than that & you deserve nothing but the happiness that lies just ahead. Realize you're worth it, you deserve it. You deserve to live each moment stoked to see what's next, with someone/something who can't freaking wait to see it with you.

Everything is a new opportunity to rediscover who we are, what we're capable of & what we want to become. Be strong & know that, whatever your faith, there's a guiding hand at work. We don't get to choose the path, we get to choose whether we enjoy the journey & what we learn. I moved from IN to OH last October, from OH to TN this September. Nothing has to be permanent if we don't want it to be. If you don't like where you're at, find a way to either make it work to find your happiness or find someplace else. It takes courage to face life & wring from it what you want, but it's so much more fun.

As I wax poetic only 1/3 of the way through my coffee lemme tell ya...having gone out on 3 dates, two rockin swim practices within the past week & a marathon (eek...that one may be ugly, but it'll be funny nonetheless) this weekend....when we decide to live our lives instead of letting life live us....it's a helluva lot more fun. Keep plowing forward & rest assured that the best is yet to come. (Enough of the Hallmark commercial already!)

New Directions

As if one solid year of turmoil, indecision & transition wasn't enough.....yeah?

I'm hopping back on the merry-go-round of relocation & job changes. This time I've initiated the process, I've made the call to find my own happiness & I'm making the calls on the job & how much it demands from my life. Somewhere around 6 months or so ago I made the decision to stop simply enduring what I was gonig through & letting my life live me. I consciously made the decision that I want to get married & have a family, that I want to settle in a little bit & start the next chapter of my life. I was reasonably certain that I had the person in my life that I wanted to do that with.

Enter:/Continue: unhappiness with job & surroundings, frustration with job searching & housing arrangements, work expectations & staff changes (somewhat unexpected) leaving responsibilities in the lurch (again), a never-ending circus of drama & arguments - either as a result of any of the factors above, our own creation or simply a lack of communication and/or misunderstanding. It's been a long summer. It's been hot, I've been unhealthy, there have been tears. I think that much has been obvious - whatever we want to title this chapter, this Cleveland "adventure" (read: debacle), I'm ready for it to be over.

I won't soon forget the pain I've endured (either self-inflicted or by sheer stupidity) or created. But I've made decisions & I'm moving forward. I've finally *FINALLY* gotten good news (albeit within 12 hours of bad news...pendulum) and I'm headed in the right direction. I'm leaving Cleveland.

I've gotten the job offer (verbally, anyway), I've got someone helping me look for a house, I have a small army helping me figure out logistics (without ANY progress...yet), I've discussed the offer, the ramifications, the attitudes & the rationales. I'm ready. While I'm sure it's right for me to be leaving Cleveland, I'm a smidge less sure that I'm headed for my "place". Given the relationship shake-up, I'm less sure than I've been in awhile about where that place should be. But hell, I might as well keep plowing forward. Why not Nashville? It's closER to home, the job could be awesome & interesting, there's a ton to do in the city & it's where He is so we might actually be able to give it a shot like normal people. There's going to be some changes & some attitude adjustments between now & then though. I will not tolerate stupidity & someone fucking with my future (again).

There's entirely too much to be done in the next 3 weeks for me to fathom. Resignations, realtors, rents, rental trucks, boxes, beds, furniture.....I can't even imagine doing it alone...but that's the hand I've been dealt (again). I'm going to lift my head, plow through & show the world it can be done (again). I'm already tired. At least this time I feel like I'm in charge of at least part of it...even if I'm not really sure what part yet.

I so don't want to look like a fool. I've got to ask God for help. I just want to be happy. I want to be loved, feel secure & valued, be the one that someone wants to come home to. I want to be the one you talk to because you want to, not because you have to.
I have to find a way to let go of a lot of this anger & suspicion. The guilt that come with it is as agonizing as the complete lack of trust in the first place.

Damnit, I just want this stupid limbo over with. I want to either be headed in one damn direction or the other, to be together or not, to know what's going to happen or to just get on with it already.

I miss feeling like I'm in charge of any damn thing. And I'm sick to death of feeling bad about how I feel.

It's just a freaking joke & it's stupid. I can do anything I want. I wish I just had the motivation to do something.

A rant...of toned-down proportion

I'm still so lost. I'm so sick of whining about it though that I think I've just annoyed everyone to the point that even I'm sick of hearing myself. I'm fairly reclusive, bordering out to where I think I talk to myself too much (& yes, answer...don't judge). I'm sick of bitching my way through the days & through the relationships. But I've got the wheels in motion. I spend most every night glued to this computer checking endlessly for jobs in/around Nashville that I think I could be decent at. I'm no longer as positively certain that I'm headed to where I should be, but by God I know I'm not staying where I'm at. The good news about life is that nothing has to be permanent unless you want it to be. It's never too late to say, "no, not for me." All I really know is that I'm not happy where I'm at. I think I maybe could have been had things turned out differently & he not come back - had I put effort into branching out here & meeting people & networking & discovering. But I didn't...and I'm miserable...and I want to be close to my family & my love.
And I'm so unbelievably in love with him still. Thinking about the future makes me so nervous I can't sit still. I want so bad to have the adorable family & the cute house, can so easily picture coming home from work, cooking or heading out for a bike ride or a run, maybe heading out for a boat ride or just watching tv. I can imagine picking kids up from school or practice, heading to games (what kind I'm not sure yet...but something, that's for sure) & having family dinners. Arguing over homework or chores...dogs causing chaos & always with something else to clean. When his arms are around me I can relax more than I have in months, I feel so safe & so loved. When he looks at me & I know what he's thinking....and I know it's not appropriate..it's even better. I'm the only one in the world & it's all about me. I've never felt so wonderful & so comfortable, I've never been loved so completely. So I'm so desperate to get on with it already...to get things packed, to get the dogs settled, to get the house clean & listed, to get a new job....to sleep at night next to the man I love & actaully plan a future. I can't even describe how much I want that....I'm torturing myself over it - it's all I can think about & I'm trying desperately to keep things rolling aronud here while I still have to but I'm struggling...I tend to pick fights to get attention & cause a reaction..to know he's engaged in the relationship. Yeah, not fair...I know. I can usually recognize it at the time but I can't stop it. I feel awful immediately & typically rush to apologize but I've done so much damage. I can't imagine if he leaves me, I can't imagine who I would be if I have to recreate my life again, to try to rebuild my heart. I can't imagine how I can get through this time where everything in hanging in limbo, but I have no choice. I have to beleive in the things I described above, to lean towards those & work towards those.
I have to believe that I will be healthy again & that we will be able to sell this house & I will find a job soon & that the cleaning of this place won't be quite as massive as my nightmares think it will be...In reality it shouldn't be bad. Hell, there's still stuff in boxes so it's not like there's too much to do. Cleaning the floors, painting a windowsill & a bathroom ceiling, vacuuming & scrubbing the kitchen, scrubbing the bathroom (again)...trimming a bush or two, schlepping out the personal stuff, arranging someone to check on it & maybe dart a mower over it once in awhile, make sure nothing goes awry. I just want someplace to go.
This move has felt like a mistake from shortly after the moment I said I'd do it. I'm not sure how many omens I could've paid attention to, or if I could've paid attention to any. I just know it's not "home" and I"m looking forward to the next chapter....I pray nightly that God keeps us strong & keeps things progressing so that we get through this. We're so very, very close.

iPhone Fotos...a recent edition

Cleveland Daylily



Cast of "Hot in Cleveland" makes an appearance at Tower City (my office building/mall). Betty White in the house!!!



It's a weeping cherry tree that's slightly out of control...

The definition of lazy weekend days & hot summer nights. Apparently we sleep as a "family"

Kayaking on Wolf Creek, Alabama. Relaxation defined. Oh, and alligator gars.

Panama City Beach - Memorial Day Weekend with family. Was a very happy weekend.