Struggling w/ how much (or how little) is worth putting up with. I've been through some rough stuff on my own - I deserve to be wanted & appreciated if I'm going to take the chance on being with someone.

How much is enough effort...how much is enough time together... What is enough love & thought...what are common goals...

Struggling with being lonely in a relationship. Struggling with working too much. Struggling with not taking enough time for me. Struggling with not being active enough.

Maybe time for change. Scared I'm not strong enough to meet my own needs anymore.

I was wrong...

See previous post.

I was wrong about it sucking (sort of). When I can breathe and look at the computer without my nose dripping I will proffer up a more proper report on the activity of surviving Lake Michigan (and a trip with new girls).

For now - this is the view before/after the race as the wind picked up and blew the fog out over the city..it was an amazing view. Normally amazing from boats and/or the city, but when you're bobbing (or gasping for breath) out in the water it becomes an entirely new definition of awesome. We (humans) did that...all of that - be it good or bad. That's darn impressive when you're paddling along - just you and a swimsuit. So maybe I could've focused on the "task at hand" a bit more in a few points during the morning....whatever.

Looming Big Shoulders...

So...we've officially established that I am fairly worthless as an athlete. I think I'm somewhat naturally inclined as an athlete (despite my physical appearance that would beg to the contrary) and the bunch of years of endurance training (6 in tri since college, cycling last 2 yrs in college - only somewhat endurance - and the swimming for the 10 years through school) probably helps that I can usually survive events despite being horribly under-trained. That said, I'm sick of falling short of my goals and expectations.

But with even that said, I'd like to go out on a limb and note that this weekend will suck. I don't know that there's really any way to be prepared for a 5K swim..scratch that, I know it's possible. But as sure as I am that it's possible, I'm equally sure that I am nowhere near ready for this thing.

As swimming has been "my thing" since I was gnat-high, I'm sure I will survive. (After all, I did survive last year @ Morse with about 3 swims for the year prior...) I'm equally sure that I will have a good time. What I'm not entirely sure of, however, is whether or not I will be pleased with the effort.

Maybe I will just have to work that much harder to drink away my worries and woes both before and after....now if I can just get this travel arrangement thing figured out....it IS tomorrow that I'm to be leaving, after all.....

Thoughts for today....succeed big, or fail bigger.

"It is not the critic that counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles.
Or where the doer of deeds could have done better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement.
And at worst, If he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

— President Theodore Roosevelt, "The Man in the Arena", Paris, 1910

The Rundown

I went horseback riding yesterday. Fun.
I'm at work at 7p and have only "schlepped" for about 15 minutes today. Not fun.
I swam Friday and Saturday morning. Fun.
Spent Friday at the golf course. Fun.
Spent Friday evening at Mudsocks watching idiot girls (and chillin' with some fun clients). Fun-ish.
Spent the rest of Sunday (while not on a horse) on the couch. Boring.
Planted wee-bushes/trees and mums on Saturday. Dirty, but fun.
Went to the Colts Kickoff Luncheon today. Lunched with Lance Bell (I think). Fun.
Am trying to figure out how to NOT work 12 hour days this week and still deliver the deliverables. NOT fun.
Trying to make things right with the Moms. Not fun.
Trying to not bitch endlessly about work.
Last softball game tomorrow night. Bar after. Fun.
IMLou this weekend. Fun.
Have seen DM once in about 2 weeks. Not fun.
Am debating if relationships are worth it. Way not fun.
Am trying to figure out how stress, food, sleep and toilet paper are related in my life. Interesting, but not fun.
Have been listening to endless office gossip about above-mentioned idiot. Not fun.
Putting off grocery shopping - no money. Not fun.
Have been thinking about golf lessons and the upcoming fall & birthday. Fun.
10 year reunion in one month. Fun!
Must stop eating for above. Not fun.
Still haven't picked up the vaccum at Cleary's. NOT FUN.

I want to go home. But I have to finish the Resolution log one more time. Need to update the timeline and get the comparison to print out right. Then, I can MAYBE start on what NEEDED to be done today. It's 7:05p, do you know where your evening is going?