Hmmm...

I'm concerned with my fatigue level. I'm sure it's a product of 4Q, renewals & marketing coming out the wazoo, having just moved & not quite settled yet. There's just a lot of still-moving parts & pieces. Now add in the listing of the Carmel house (& the minor battles that has wrought) with the rest of it & it's no wonder that I struggle to Fridays. Oh yeah, that no exercise thing is probably weighing in largely as well.

I keep saying, "it'll be normal soon." Ha. The definition of normal, like the feeling of "home", is a bit elusive at the moment.

There have been a few earth-quaking moments of realization that this may be a mistake. There are an equally few moments of clarity that I am better for this experience & that someday it'll be great stories. They're balancing each other, barely. But note: it hasn't really snowed yet, either.

I'm good at my job, I'm a good friend, I'm a good person, I'm a good athlete, I'm a good girlfriend (though that role is currently unoccupied!), I'm a good dog-mom, I'm a good sister, I'm a role-model, I'm a good housekeeper & I'm good at anything I put my mind to. These things I know. It's normal to have a wavering concept of "self" & a fragile self-image in today's society. But it's quite wearing to repeat the mantra to myself constantly.

Less than a week & the mettle of really establishing a routine of my own & making this work by myself will really come into play. When I come home at night & there's no one else there to excuse me sitting on the couch or not walking the dogs, will I finally put my head on straight?

Rev3 Cedar Point is on 9/11/11. I think I'm going after a goal. I think it's time to put the doubt, the inferiority, the insecurity, the laziness (some of it, anyway), the chubbiness (& shut up if you try to convince me otherwise) & the excuses in the rearview & reclaim whatever parts & pieces of myself I can gather up. It's time to be me again. And isn't it about damn time to stop whining, anyway?

"Home"

The relativity of the word home is currently perplexing me. All of my stuff is in one place (well ok, the VAST majority of my stuff...though oddly not a couple of my treasured kitchen items..but all the wine, so it counts.) & the dogs are here. Mom is here. Even my lawn mower & my Uggs are here. It's my bed, my dishes, my sofa, my television. Why is it so unerringly puzzing, then, that my "self" isn't feeling like I'm "home"?

Sure, it's where I'm laying my head & sleeping & I've finally started sleeping well. But it's not quite to the point where I walk in, drop my stuff, collapse to the floor & sigh yet while the dogs waller (scientific term) me. Maybe that just takes time....we'll see. I'm hoping so. We're settling in to the routine, if not the setting. I'm realizing each day the need for that damn fenced-in yard. But I kind of like walking with the dogs in the morning (though the evening walk is usually much more friendly & cooperative)...it's not terribly cold yet though.

Anyway....we're driving back to IN to start the clean-up on the other house tomorrow afternoon. I'm curious to see how I feel when I walk in there. If it's a comforting, wanna-sigh type feeling, I could be in trouble. Letting go of the past & starting over might prove to be more difficult than anticipated.

Guess we'll be patient & find out, right? (Not like there's an alternative....) Hoping I can dig out the bike(s), get the trainer set up and/or a Gemini membership lined up & get moving again soon. Started looking at races for next year & we all know how dangerous that is....

On the concept of 'getting even'....

They are RIGHT ON when they say "revenge" or "justice" isn't our job. Sometimes we don't get the luxury. Rest assured that whatever comes next will take care of itself. My God will get the rapist that had to drug me to take advantage of me & felt that I was easy/cheap/incapacitated enough to do so. I can't possibly inflict enough pain (even in my greatest dreams) for what the scum did. However, The Big Guy upstairs (& the Universe as a whole) has MUCH bigger powers than I do & I can take AGES of solace in that. I've laid it at their feet (proverbial, stone or otherwise) & have made my peace with it. I can pity his soul & laugh at how foolish he's been with the gift his life could've been.

Go forward & put your faith & energies along those lines....think about what people like that do to themselves. Have you ever seen a tornado that made things look pretty? Ever seen a fire not cause damage? Ever seen cancer make cells more alive? Yeah, same concept.....but from those tornados comes the opportunity to build to better codes & plant prettier flowers, out of the ashes comes a more nutrient-rich soil without the underbrush clutter so things grow quicker & out of cancer comes either everlasting life or a MUCH stronger survivor.


Take your pick & walk your path with unwavering conviction...it looks much better on you than pain & angst.